Well, I really don't know how to start this... I am 18 and I know I'm attracted to girls since I'm 12-13, first I thought that I "want to be a boy", but then I saw some lesbian movies and I was like: "Yeah, that's it! That is so wonderful!" and yeah, since then I'm a proud lesbian. I began to be very feminine and I started to be very much into LGBT topics, especially lesbian topics and women rights. But in the past 2-3 years, I realised that I feel more comfortable to sometimes wear more masculine clothes. The last year, I realised that I don't feel 100% comfortable to be 100% feminine and that in fact my personality isn't 100% feminine... The last few months, I was trying to figure out what I am. First I thought, maybe demi-girl, then I noticed that on some days (like today), I feel really masculine and on other, not so muchy so I thought I may be genderfluid. I took some gender identity test on the internet (mostly crap, but some were quite good) and the most trustworthy test said that I'm almost half-half, but masculine a little bit more... Something like: 54% 46% etc... So I thought that it really means I'm genderfluid. A few days ago, I kinda did drag just for fun, one night, drawing me a beard and making my eyebrows thicker, covering my hair... I really wanted to do this, because I wanted to know I would look like. I have to say I felt kinda great. I took a few pictures and then I washed it off. Also, the last few weeks, I've been looking at FTM transitioning videos, because I find it so fascinating how the body changes and how really masculine they look afterwards. And today I've noticed... I'm kinda jealous. And then kinda everything came... I find menswear 1000x better than womens wear, I always look with envy at the men section in stores, I also always liked really slim women, because then I felt like I can "protect" them. Also when I play games, I find the customisation for men really better, all the cool hair, all the beards... Everything looks so good, but haircuts for women - meh. Now I am thinking... What if I'm trans? I think I would like to be a man, but also not. Like, I don't like to look as feminine as I look, I don't feel it fitting, but to cut my hair and dress more masculine... It doesn't look right... I would look like a "butch" lesbian and that is not how I want to look at all. But I don't like people (especially men) treating me like a lady, like trying to help me and all... That's also why I don't have any male friends... Every male ever looked at me like something else as his male friends and I don't like that. I would hang out with them, but not while they treat me different then males. But on the other side, I find two women a way more romantic and beautiful as a man and a woman, also I'm so much into lesbian shows and stuff and I love being a part of the community... And that's something I would lose if I would transition. Also I'm even really short for a woman (5'2-ish) and I think this height would be ridiculous for a man. As I said, I also wouldn't want to be androgenous, because people would still see me as a woman, just with short hair. I'm now dating a bisexual woman and that's also part of why I didn't block those thoughts about maybe not being a woman, because as I dated lesbians, I couldn't really think of me as something other than female, because in that case I she wouldn't want me anymore. I hope that makes sense, I apologize for mistakes or some confusion. There is so much going on in my mind today, I can't really put it in words... I don't know anything. I just know I doesn't feel quite right in my body being so female and I don't like to be treated so female. But I think I would look ridiculous as a guy, being so short and also as the test showed, I also have a huge feminine site, I am emotional, empathic and romantic and I certainly wouldn't want to look like some hairy alpha male... I think I would be a feminine men, like really tidy, nice hair, nice clothes... And then people would think I'm gay and that would be weird... And... Ugh... I just don't know anything, it's a mess in my head.
