I told my mother I'm FtM. She took it ok-ish the first night we spoke on the phone. She didn't seem to take me seriously and voiced a lot of doubts, and in the end she said she loves her child no matter what, and that made me feel really good. I told her "child" is fine for now, and thanked her for listening to me. 2 days later, she calls again and slowly starts asking questions about me being trans. I try to be as open and honest as possible, this time being very assertive that this is indeed how I feel and who I am. This time she got really upset about it. Started flinging all the usual reaction comments like "I already have a son, I don't need another one" "I feel like I'm losing my daughter" "I feel like this is a mistake. You've made a lot of mistakes in life and you never listened to anyone before, and I think you're making a mistake now" "You're just confused" "You're just depressed and vulnerable, or maybe even bipolar" "It's just the popular thing right now with Bruce-Caitlyn Jenner" "I feel like you've been lying to me your whole life" "What do you have against women" "It just sounds like you're a strong woman to me" "Girls can want all the same things you want and still be girls" "What does your boyfriend think about all this?" "Don't you like men? How can you be trans and still like men?" "I thought you were a lesbian" "I never saw any signs that you felt like a boy growing up" "I wanted to be a horse when I was little, but I'm not getting surgery to become a horse" "I'm glad you feel happy, because this is hurting me"... All through the week she's been sending me emails and IMs with links to different things like emotional dissociation (to help me understand my emotionally unavailable father), childhood emotional neglect disorder (to help me understand why I feel depressed growing up in an emotionally neglectful household, which I already knew), and and article called "Where have all the tomboys gone?" that talks about how the term "tomboy" has made girls feel like they're not girls. She's completely ignored the email I sent her with some links on transgender topics and my 3-4 paragraph talk about what I felt growing up and how much happier I am now that I am embracing my identity. For the past month I have been in therapy and I found a FtM support group, and my life has improved 100%. My depression and anxiety are starting to fade for the first time in my life. I'm able to go to work for a full week without being late or calling out sick for the first time in months. I'm able to sleep more soundly at night and focus during the day. I feel like I have a future. I feel like a real person now, and the only thing that's changed is finding acceptance as a male among other people. I feel like moving out of my brother's house is now a realistic goal, and like I can finally handle the stresses and troubles that come with living. None of this matters to my mother... Anyone have any advice? My mom is a very liberal person, but she suffers from bipolar disorder and has always believed my depression came from the same source. She is accepting of gay people and would probably prefer if I were a lesbian. I've always been afraid of her because of how unpredictable her reactions are, so I never really got close enough to tell her about my feelings growing up. Now I'm worried she feels like I'm somehow betraying her and I worry about the way she is handling this. I recommended she talk to a support group online, or find one locally, but I don't know if she actually will. I fear she is more likely to shut herself in her house and sink into depression. :/
She is going a grieving process. There is a stages of grief article in the welcome section of EC. Ask her if she would be willing to go to a therapist with you.
Is there a way you can bring your mom to your therapy sessions and support groups? Maybe your mom might need a boost to talk to others to help her feel that you're going to be okay and safe. I know parents can be a real pain in the ass. My dad either forgot about the big talk we had, or doesn't give a damn--still giving me birthday cards misgendering me two years after the fact. My mom used to be the type that would being so in denial about me being trans, that when I'd take her to therapy sessions, she acted like that this was an attack on her as a parent and treated it like this was a phase I was in--even going as far to push away resources my therapists would give and wanted nothing to do with helping me find an endocrinologist; but this happened when I was in therapy for other things too, but that's besides the point. It's been about two years since those times, and now I rarely get misgendered and nobody slips up with my birth name besides my grandma and maybe a few relatives I don't talk to. Time does wonders. A big thing I notice with parents is that even though they deflect a lot and make it about what they did as a parent, they mostly lash out and act the way they do out of fear about our safety and well being. While I'm privileged to be in a city that has had protection laws for trans people for over twelve years, my area is far from perfect--and I know my mom was worried about my safety if I came out and the possibility of the wrong person finding out and reacting badly; especially since the violence around here can be pretty bad, even more so when I was in school when bullying, harassment, and bomb threats were a common occurrence. Just know you're not betraying your mom. You've been battling this fight for so long, and it's time you be true to yourself. Is there a way you can bring your mom to your therapy sessions (especially if they specialize in family counseling) or support group meet ups? Maybe she needs to sit down and talk to people who are going through the motions you are; be it in transition or knows someone who is. Maybe you can tell her to go in with an open mind, and if she doesn't feel comfortable afterwards, then she doesn't have to go back with you.
I would love to take my mom in to talk to my therapist, and my therapist would be willing, and my mom would probably be willing, but she lives 3 hours away from where I live, so it's gonna be difficult to arrange that any time soon. The support group I'm currently going to is exclusively for trans men for the safety and comfort of the members, and there's a SOFFA (Significant Others, Family, Friends, and Allies of transgender) group that meets on another day, but I don't know if I would be welcome in the group. I would like it if she would seek out support near her, but I can't force her to do that. It's very frustrating that she doesn't take care of her emotional and mental needs the way she should, and she has a distaste for support groups, saying they're a place for people who are more messed up than her. I'm trying to think of ways I can still hold my ground that I am trans, while giving her some kind of comfort. It feels like being in a tough break-up; I know I can't be with the person any more, but I care about them and don't want to hurt them. I know I'm not the person who should be comforting my mom right now because I am the source of her distress, but if I don't do it I have no idea who will. I know my dad won't, and she doesn't have any friends or a support network or family she talks to. I'm stumped.
