Hi everyone. I'm 14 and identify as transmasculine. I started questioning around June, and for the first few months dysphoria wasn't horrible, just the occasional discomfort or stress. But for the past two months, things have gone downhill very quickly. I think this may be because I started school again, which is an everyday reminder that I don't fit in. Here's a few examples of what has been happening to me. Tuesday: I had a two hour long anxiety attack, my body shaking, feeling stabs of fear, feeling like I was going to cry, just nearly having a meltdown. I was so stressed, my shoulders felt physically weighed down. All this time, my mind bullied me. "You'll never pass as a guy." "Look at your stupid chest." "Girl." It was the worst I'd felt for a long time. I went home and took a long nap. Friday: I just felt numb yesterday. Really sad and down, hating the body I was born in, wishing I could be a real cis guy. It was horrible agony. I could scarcely stand to look into mirrors because I don't pass in any way or form. This week, I've just lost motivation, I used to put so much work into English projects, but I just don't feel like it this week. I hate falling into this cycle. Anxiety and depression run in my family, and I never, ever wanted this to happen to me. I don't want to sound like I'm self diagnosing, but my mom suggested in February that I might have depression at least. I don't want this to happen to me. Everyone knows me as an upbeat, happy person but sometimes that is just a shield... I'm really hurting emotionally. And I don't want to hurt anyone else because I'm having problems. I'm scared this is going to get worse. I don't know what to do. My dysphoric areas, from most to least: -breasts -"ideally feminine" body -social dysphoria -face That's just the main stuff. Also I've been so stressed by this week I went to bed at 6:30 PM last night. When this stuff happens, it's crippling. I've been watching YouTube channels like uppercaseCHASE1 but that doesn't help when I'm having an attack. Any advice? :help:
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know that the dysphoria is hard and you do not deserve what you're going through right now. But you'll get through this tough time- meanwhile I'm sure you have the support of all of us on here. I probably don't have all the advice on this, but for the dysphoria, keep binding, and wear shirts that hide curves and the body well. I would buy masculine clothes if possible (obviously if it isn't safe for you to do so, don't), and wear them out and about. As for social dysphoria, being out to your friend you can maybe ask them to address you by your proper name and pronouns- at least that will ease it a little bit in that scenario. If you have a round face, I've heard there are ways to make it look less so, and more masculine, angular/rectangular glasses and styling your hair in certain ways apparently can help. Here are two pretty well known sites that give tips on passing: FTM Passing Tips The FTM's Complete Illustrated Guide to Looking Like a (Hot) Dude Keep validating yourself to yourself. "My name is _____" and using your pronouns to yourself and validating your gender. Self acceptance of it is important and can go a long way. As for the anxiety and depression, you might not have it, but if you think you do I might suggest either seeing a professional for it, or going to mental health support forums/chats/counselling online. There are many resources and if need be I can find you a few links. I used to use 7 Cups of Tea a bit, maybe it can help you, I don't know. But here's the link: Someone To Talk To, Online Therapy, Free Counseling | 7 Cups Remember though your safety and health is priority. If you really feel like you need support and your moods are hard to control, then get that support you need. There are some resources on managing anxiety attacks too online, but I think if they are really bad a therapist or counsellor can give you some tips on how to deal with them. I get that might not be possible though especially if you can't be open about your gender yet with them, but once again there are some good links and resources online. Keep watching videos and Youtube channels that might make you feel better; even if they don't help when you're having an attack anything that makes you feel a bit better is good. I know it's hard now, but in the future there will definitely come a time you get to be the you that you are and live the life you deserve to live. It's not so easy right now but this is just one period in a long journey and one day you will be able to be yourself. Just hold on there. And if it helps at all, I've seen photos from your album and in my eyes, you do pass to me. This is just one part of the process, you will get there in the end. And you have the support of all of us on here- if you ever need to talk about anything feel free to keep posting. (*hug*) (&&&)
If you and your Mom talked about depression can you tell her you would like to try a therapist? I had anxiety attacks since I was a teen. Therapy helped a lot.
I can't add much more to what Jake^ said above. I can add one thing: this is very common for trans people when they accept themselves as trans. I suspect it has to do with the breakdown of your former identity leaving you with a sense of lack of security and thus fear, manifesting in anxiety. I mostly knew already as a child, but didn't accept myself until February-May sometime this year. I started having awful panic attacks and severe depression. But I got professional help and I reached out online, like here on EC. I was prescribed with medication, which helped with the panic attacks, and I think they have helped in general. Now I am more stable. The lesson I learnt and which I would like to share is: reach out, be honest to yourself, and be kind to yourself. Take care. xx
