I do want to say before I start. Sexuality is not so black and white as some might believe it to be. There are several shades of grey in the middle and my little rant below is just me talking about where I fall in between that grey. First off I do identify as a homosexual, and that means I am attracted to the same gender as myself. No shocker there as everyone already knew what that meant, but I also identify as asexual. For those of you who don't know what asexuality is here is the definition: Asexuality (or nonsexuality) is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, OR low or absent interest in sexual activity. I relate to the part where it says "absent interest in sexual activity" as I can't say I'm "nonsexual" as I do find guys attractive, so I couldn't call myself gay if I felt "nonsexual" but I do feel I'm gay...to a degree. Let me explain, so that means I have no interest what so ever to what the guy has between his legs, but instead I'm interested to what his personality is like, to what a guys physical appearance (to a point where I'm not too vain, but that depends on your judgment not mine I guess) is like, a guys hobbies and obsessions, etc It means I can fall in love due to other factors and not just what my hormones are screaming at me to do (pun most definitely intended) I really see myself married to another male, having a deep emotional connection with him where we can talk for hours and about anything. So I see myself truly in a relationship with a another man...however, when talking about sex. I'm honestly not interested in partaking in that activity...like at all :/ so my dilemma is, I'm an asexual man who also identifies to another VERY sexual community. Stereotypes are there for a reason, as there are some (not all) truths to those stereotypes. One of the big stereotypes when speaking of the LGBT community (it can be said the same for the "straight world" but I wouldn't know as I've never been straight myself) is that it can be very sexual to a point where it gets to be too vulgar for it's own good. One example is all the skin that you're exposed to (whether you want to be or not) at the Pride Parades. I also hate how you just meet a guy and right away (not all the time, but enough) you're asked "are you a Top or Bottom?" I'm like "dude, I just met you and you're already wondering who's gonna FUCK who?!" This is a very sensitive subject to me, and yes my asexuality plays a big part in why I'm still single to this day. Where I've never even once had a boyfriend before. It's also very sad because I've been discriminated by people in the LGBT Community and out of it. I feel I relate to bisexual people because they too get the comments of "maybe you're confused" from both the straight and gay world. It's so sad to know that even in our own LGBT community there can be discrimination or an unwillingness to accept anything other then what's considered "normal" with the degrees of normal changing depending oh what community you view it from. Like I said in the beginning sexuality isn't as black and white as people believe it to be. The rainbow has more than two colors after all I recently came out as a gay asexual man on social media and it didn't take long for hate messages to fill my inbox. With one guy saying "You have it all wrong Edgar, homosexuality is a term to label yourself on "who you want to fuck" so you can't even call yourself gay if you don't want to fuck anything." I should add that this gentleman in question is gay himself. What are your thoughts on someone being asexual but also identifying as homosexual? ---------- Post added 26th Oct 2015 at 04:42 PM ---------- I'm so sorry if this isn't the correct thread to put this on :/ please move it if I did post it on the wrong one.
First, you're entitled to use any label you want to to describe yourself. YOu can be unicornsexual if that floats your boat. So keep that in mind as I say what I'm going to say next. If we are using the widely accepted definition of asexuality (the one that's been used since the 1940s), it is lack of sexual attraction, as you've described. It is also, at least according to the credible research out there, as hardwired and unchanging as are the other recognized orientations (homosexual and heterosexual). So techincally speaking, being homosexual and being asexual would be mutually exclusive. Where we get into trouble is the confusion between attraction and arousal and orientation. We know, for example, that a very large number of LGBT people, particularly those just coming out, have issues with anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, and we know that those issues have, as one of their primary side effects, decreased sexual arousal/interest. So there's a lot to support the idea, including the few (crappy) studies that exist on asexuality, that there's a huge confound between people who have a mental health issue that's depressing sexual desire, and people who claim asexuality. In other words... it's difficult to definitively say that someone is asexual if there are other issues that could likely be causing the lack of sexual attraction, because there's a very high likelihood that if those issues are addressed, the lack of sexual attraction will resolve itself. And before someone comes along and tells you you're "demisexual" or some other unrecognized label... keep in mind that the definition of demisexual also fits squarely within the normal spectrum of homo and heterosexuality. So that label is sort of pointless except as a subclassification that probably isn't really necessary except for people who are looking for something to differentiate themselves from the crowd. If I were to guess, I would guess that when the right person comes along, and assuming there aren't medication or other issues tamping down your sexual arousal, you'll find that the arousal will actually be there. Now... I could be dead wrong. But the fact you're feeling attraction and connection would indicate that you aren't asexual (at least in the widely-used meaning) and so there may instead just be a fear or discomfort with the idea of sex. I do agree with you that much of the gay male population is sex-obsessed and not particularly healthy about how they look at and approach sexuality, but an absence of interest in sexual expression is, at least if we're looking at life from a wholehearted perspective, usually ignoring what can be a useful and enjoyable part of life. Now... you can take all of this and make use of it if it's helpful... or it may not resonate at all for you. I'm not trying to make you wrong or devalue what you've said, only to offer another perspective that is rooted in what, at least for now, is the general consensus of thinking among those who study these topics and work with people all day surrounding these issues.
I can relate strongly to what you've said (OP). I too feel I'm "skirting the line" between asexuality and homosexuality, and have had some difficulty with pinning it down. But everything you said is spot on with my thoughts and experiences. First off, I want to affirm what Chip has said. He's got a good, solid perspective on a definitive view of sexuality, one which is most backed by credible research, I feel. However I also think it's prudent to point out that not a lot of conclusive research has been done on the topic of asexuality. So we cannot officially rule out the possibility of things such as: differing romantic orientations from sexual ones, grey-asexuality, and full on asexual + aromantic (which is the "classic" and most widely accepted definition of asexuality as Chip has pointed out). Simply, we do not know for sure since there isn't enough research yet. Just like if you were to - say - go back 50 odd years and ask for "scientific proof" of homosexuality, there would be many saying that it isn't real because it hasn't been proven. Now that there is more scientific light shed on the matter, we can safely agree that homosexuality is in fact real. I feel the same way when it comes to asexuality, in that we just need more time to examine it and all its nuances (emotional bonding, different levels of sexual attraction, etc.) in order to have firm conclusions to what is or isn't fact. Bottom line is, I won't go around condemning people's sexuality labels if that's what works for them. My problem would be when it gets too messy and confusing, with blatant lack of evidencial support. In these cases such labels are a burden and ultimately not helping anyone. But if you have a real need to mark a plausible differentiation from your sexuality and the typical 4 labels, then by all means do so. For me personally, I use the term queer until I have gone a few years and my sexuality has "settled." But if someone asked me specifics, I'd say essentially what you said. I'm attracted to men (gay) but not interested in sex (asexual). A label isn't really necessary, as long as you are comfortable with yourself. You know what you are and who you love, and in my opinion that's good enough.
