Fluctuations in dysphoria? Losing perception...

A lot of people say they feel dysphoria comes and goes.

When the dysphoria goes, do they feel 'neutral' about their gender or do they identify and feel like the gender they are in?

In my case, I am a cis male and I've been questioning my gender. When I see really beautiful women (I´m gay) I start to get anxiety thinking I might want to look like them, but then when I see a guy I want to feel manly and strong and like how I look. I have no genitalia dysphoria but I see the shape of women and think they are nice. And I see a guy's shape and like it too but I am even questioning if I want it for myself or just feel attracted to it.

I honestly like envisioning myself, feeling, be treated, and being seen like a respectable guy. But what does that even mean? Mostly I find that women are objectified, not taken seriously enough, and treated like the weak gender. But I like the glamour of women and that they can show emotion. And women are just prettier than man.

I was making a list about what I envy about each gender it's looking the same for both.

All of the male 'traits' I like to have, women can have them too, such as being the working parent, feeling strong, independent, elegant and smart. And they even look prettier and more fashionable doing all those things (most men don't give a fuck about how their clothes and their bodies).

Though I'd rather do all those things seen as a guy, I do them a lot in a feminine manner: paying a lot of attention to my clothes, thinking I look 'fierce' instead of 'cool, dude', etc.

I have basically no gay friends and I am noticing that I am very different to my straight friends. Reading a few yahoo answers most gay guys don't feel this much envy towards women, but some are feminine and DO admire all these things about women like in Lady Gaga and Beyoncé but I don't know to what extent, so I don't know if it's normal.

I have always been an over analyser. feel like I am a very dramatic person and am really feminine so that's also why I'm questioning; and it is another reason why I relate more to women. "Being trans is feeling like you are the other gender" and I identify a lot with the other gender.

I don't like androgynous looks, I like a lot more when people look really good as a man or as a woman. Thinking about this 'mix and match' I'm starting to think I might be bigender, which can be the reason I feel so thorn between the two, but I don't like that label because in a lot of cases it is just a stepping stone to transgender and that thought really makes me have anxiety.

I also tend to think "it's greener on the other side" so I don't even know anything anymore. I'm a mess and I am tired of questioning the only thing I was sure of in my life.

I was going to say that I remember when I was in puberty I was really excited about all the male changes to my body like the body hair but and shaving but women have body hair and shave too.

Ps. I am in fact looking for a therapist specialised in gender but I haven't found one yet, so all of your opinions would really help me, thanks a lot!

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What I think is giving me the most anxiety is that there are gay guys more feminine than me but at the same time I feel more womanish than them, even if I am more masculine. They say you don't have to be too effeminate to be trans so that's another questioning reason. I'm not trying to sound cocky, really, but an explanation I think would be because of the elegance and poise I feel inside that I think women have and a lot of these flamboyant gay guys don't.

With gays I tend to find them too masculine or too feminine. If really feminine gay guys showed more class and at the same time proof of their manliness I think I could relate more. I think I'm just being ridiculous at this point. But it's true? #confused

And also what gave me 'cis dysphoria' is that I read that if you can double cross your legs, your arms point outwards and your index finger is longer than your ring finger it means you are transgender. I have all those 3 and I felt alienated and really depressed.