Yesterday was just the worst day. It started with my ex-fiancee moving on....With one of my best friends. They both asked for my blessing and I gave it to them and tried to be as magnanimous as possible over the whole thing as I want things to work out between the three of us and I don't have the right to stand between them and happiness. I'm trying to be happy for them, but all it really did was make me feel lonely. I miss having a romantic partner. I hate myself and I need a person to show me that I'm worth loving before I just kill myself out of pure fucking self loathing. It didn't end there, though. It kept going with my dad being his own passive aggressive self so I told him to stop being an asshole and that I've had a tough day and it was on.He confronted me immediately and it escalated into a screaming match I haven't experienced before. He blames me for not having done anything since I got back home in April and that I wasn't even trying to get better despite all my efforts. He also blamed me for using all my psychological problems as excuses to not do anything--I argued that was like arguing that a broken leg was just an excuse not to walk, but he wouldn't have none of it. He made it clear he didn't believe in any of this "psychological mumbo jumbo" totally disregarding that he was arguing against science and that it was essentially the same thing as if he were arguing against evolution or some other scientifically proven theory. It escalated until he had the nerve to say "I'm on your side. You're my son" and I just snapped and pretty much screamed back "I'm not your fucking son, okay? I'm your daughter" and he responded by saying "you're my son until I think otherwise. That's a journey for another time" and it just broke me. The whole thing took around 30 minutes and now I feel worse than I have since the absolute peak of my depression. So I guess I'm back to square one. Thanks, dad--fucking father of the year over here. I'm just so close to clocking out. I know you got to reach bottom to be able to climb back up, but it feels hopeless when there's somebody standing at the top kicking down. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I get pulled down to earth again and I lose hope every time. I just want the world to burn at this point--I feel it with every beat of my tar black heart--because that's just how much of a disjointed and broken person I truly am and every attempt not to be is met with so much resistance that I'm starting to no longer see the point.
Stick around long enough to read some replies, OK? They'll come. I have one for you right now! <3 You've gone through a lot of pain in one day, and none of it is your fault. Your ex and their new partner are hooking up. Your father has a narrow view of everything. Write a letter to each of them. One for your ex, your friend, one for your father. Explain in great detail how they've made you feel, and be as intimate as you can. You don't have to send the letters. Rip them up, burn them if you have to. Get your emotions out there in written form as though they will be read. Use pen and paper, not a computer. Think you could do that?
Lazuri It is hard for you at this time and when the people around us are breaking our heart it is really tough -- I too have a difficult father and his view points don't match mine in so many ways - but over time I have learnt to accept him more and keep my boundaries and own space where I need to keep myself healthy and sain - it's taken time I have needed to go away and find myself and that did include cutting off from my family for some time -- It does sound like a bottom indeed and it's now about you finding your sanity for you away from others - then you can branch out again with more self assurance - having relationship with your ex end and then try start up with your friend is tough - maybe it's about being honest ? If your not ok with it ... Why pretend As your post says at the bottom 'I'm not broken I will become Alice ' Grow into the beautiful women who you are and be secure in yourself and then you will attract lovely people into your life who will love you and be there for your It's unfortunate but sometimes family just don't get us - Doesn't mean we don't get ourself - and learn the value of who we are inside out
It's ok to be upset about the relationship. Of course it's dangerous to lose control of your emotions, but if you try to stifle them entirely, they'll eat away at you. If you have any way to leave home and put some distance between you and your father, that may be the only way to resolve things. If you can't leave yet, make plans. Look for a way to get out without putting yourself in harm's way. It doesn't sound like he has any empathy, and that can only hurt you. I've seen tar-black hearts, and I find it hard to believe yours is one. We're all disjointed and broken, but there's more to us than that. We want to love and be loved. We're usually bad at it, but the moments when we do get it right are worth everything else.
So earlier today while he and mom were at a show, he texted me and apologized. Despite that, as soon as he and mom came home, they went right to arguing about me and he's no different than yesterday. I really wish I could get away, but I don't really have a way to do it. What's worse is that my best friend spent all day going out of his way to cheer me up--he even dragged me to Comic Con and paid my way--and he almost started making me feel a bit better again, but no--here comes that foot again.
