Identity crisis, what does being the other gender feel like?

Hello everyone! I know I have been making a lot of questions but that's just kind of how my personalty is, so I apologize and also I wanted to thank every single person who has helped me!!!!

Right now I feel in limbo, I feel like I have no identity, other than I am really nerdy, I like a lot of girl stuff, some man stuff, and I am attracted to men.

Other than that, I feel like everything is really subjective.

Yesterday I went to the mall and I was feeling completely male until I saw a figurine of a sailor moon character that I liked her hair, and also saw a girl with a really nice skirt and I went from 100 to 0 in a second.

I keep comparing myself with every man and woman I see, evaluating if I would wear their clothes and if I would want their body, and every time I can't just decide one. (But I mean, girls can wear any man clothes they want).

When I am with myself and interacting with my friends, I feel "purple".
I feel like a man with a female personality.
I don't feel enough man to be a man and I don't feel enough woman to be a woman.

There are moment when I do feel completely man, like at the mall but then they go away with any doubt. When I feel like a woman it is almost never completely female, but it feels more natural because it resembles more my personality. It just feels like I am just me wanting to wear female clothes.

I feel like my identity is really fragile. My natural state is purple, but then I turn blue sometimes, and other times I turn slightly pink (which is not full pink, but it resembles more my natural state color, so do you see the problem?).

Here is the thing: The way I'm describing myself is: a man with a female personality and that's how I feel most of the time, but if I do feel a man, why can't I convince myself that I'm a man? and why can't I stop envying a lot of things about women? I think it is because i don't feel blue most of the time, i feel purple, and they are not the same color. Sometimes I feel neither of the 3 but whatever.

On the other hand, maybe feeling purple is how transgender people feel, or did you always feel pink deep inside? Is what I describe as "purple" being transgender?

Ok here is the thing, MAYBE this "purple" I feel, is no really purple, maybe it is pink but I just see it as purple. I think that if I pushed myself and went full on woman and "brainwashed" the way I was raised, this purple would turn pink. but I don't really want to do that because it just doesn't feel right to me, but also fear of transition. Maybe this purple is how a lot of transgender people felt like before transitioning or fully accepted it. Maybe this "man with female personality" would just turn to "female with some male likings" after transitioning, but I don't really want to transition if i'm not sure and I don't really want to.

My personality is like the one of many youtubers who are now MtF. But since they transitioned they toned down a bit their manliness. Even with super feminine gay guys, I think there is a manly thing that I see in them that I don't always see in myself; even if they sometimes are more feminine than me.

So maybe a lot of my blue traits are just things that I acquired being raised as boy and having a male body, but that can be washed off, or are they truly my traits? I feel like maybe if I had been born/raised as a girl I wouldn't have acquired these man traits and would be pretty much fine.

I don't feel this urge to be a woman, but I do want to stop envying everything that moves and changing my opinion about myself every hour.

What do you think I am?
I was thinking bigender but to me that just feels feeling forever wanting what other people have like I am right now.

PS. I though I was ok now but apparently I'm not, so I'm considering again a therapist but I'm really skeptical about it.
PS. The colors are just a metaphor, my favourite color is blue but I know colors don't mean anything.
PS. Every time I type what I'm feeling in a thread I feel male but I still feel like it could change any time.

 

Hi Max! Typing this thread was a sort of therapy and it also made me see new things. I had already thought of what you just said and I agree with you! I just still think it is still a theory that I can't fully prove. Growing up I felt like I did not meet the man expectations people had on me (but this is a sign of being transgender too). So I kind of stayed away from that aspect and refuged in nerd side, and after in my feminine side.

As for my body I DO like it but then I see a woman's and like it too, they can rock dresses better. So that's why I constantly feel like I want what I don't have.

Thanks for your opinion!!! Right now I feel great (though it's weird, I feel like an excited girl because you called me a guy). But in a while I'll be back to questioning i think. lol FML. It is a possibility that this has to do less with gender and more with other things.