As the title says, I do not know what to do. I have been thinking about transitioning almost since the beginning of me questioning my gender. But I knew not to rush into anything and give my time to feel this out, explore who I am. As the many months have passed I have grown more and more sure that at the center of me is something very male, but I constantly rejected the part of me that was other or was female. I always thought that if I admitted to them being there I could never transitioning. I have tried to force of me to fit nothing but the male box, and as you can imagine that doesn't go well. It kind of causes more doubt than anything. When I did admit to there being more I thought myself genderfluid, but that never really suited me either even though my gender did shift around a bit. Always, though, was a part of me that wanted to transitioning. I will admit that I am a non-binary trans man. I will admit to having a girl and boy way of thinking. I will admit that I had some pretty heavy dysphoria as a teen, but as an adult the fact that I am afab had become background noise. I don't hate my body. Its not ideally what I imagine myself as, but I do not hate it. Pronouns have slowly begun to bother me, more so to the few that I am out to. I can not look in the mirror with out seeing a male. It does bother me that no one else can see me as the male that I can. But what really bothers me, that really drives me towards transitioning everyday, is this feeling that I have to be male. I have[/] to grow into a man, brlecause I was never meant to be a woman. And I know...I don't have to do anything. But I sort of feel that I do. When I think of not being a man in the future I feel sad and like there is nothing in the future for me. I have days where I am at peace with this, that I know that this is the right thing for me, and that if it makes me happy I need to go with it. But then I think about other non-binary people I have read about or watched on YouTube. Those who start to transition and stop because their gender fluid back to what they were assigned at birth. How do I know that that won't happen to me? 3 or 4 or 7 years in the future I find that I am female again. I hate the thought of it. I don't want to be female, I really don't. Really really really don't. I'm just trying to work out my thoughts, trying to figure out what to do. For the last month I have found myself just wanting to declare it to the world, to post on Facebook for others to see. Just want everyone to know that I am a man of some sort. But then I fear the reactions and the questions and my own self doubt. I fear having to talk about it out loud. I can do so with my friends, but with my family it seems like I can never get the word Trans out. I just wish I knew what to do.
