Hi all! (Sorry this is pretty long) So I'm biologically a girl but I've come to the conclusion that I've had indirect dysphoria all of my life regarding my gender. I say indirect because I never realized any of it and probably never would have unless I came across a bunch of terms and questioned myself. All I know is that I've always had no sense of self, been depressed and isolated for years and always felt out of place, like my life has no meaning. There hasn't been any cause of it, I've had no severe trauma. So I've never been able to pinpoint why I'm so different. I'm in such a mess. I have no idea which gender I am, I don't know if I feel any gender at all or if I'd be able to live fine as a female or if I'm just denying being the opposite gender because it'd be such a big and scary change. But then again if I were to be a male, wouldn't I have experienced some type of extreme body dysphoria or something much stronger in terms of feeling in the wrong body and knowing in my brain that I'm a man rather than having no idea what I feel? I say to myself "I'm a girl" and sometimes I wonder if it fits, sometimes it kinda does, other times it feels soooo wrong. It feels right saying I'm just a person, but then again everyone is still a person so it would feel right for even binary genders to say that. When I say "I'm a boy" I still don't know if it feels right. In real terms I don't have any sense of gender because gender confuses me like crazy, which is why I guess I'm more non binary? I have no idea what's going on but I think about gender 24/7 and try to work out what I am, it's killing me. I hate it, the thoughts are constant and I don't get any break. Also ever since I read about it I'm checking my body all the time and worrying that I hate it. The idea of surgery terrifies me and I worry I'll be so unappealing. The idea of a flat chest and short colorful hair appeals to me so I guess the only bodily issue I have is my breasts. Or do I have an issue with my breasts, what if I'm just over analyzing? I never cared before, it'd be great to have none but it's not like they made me dysphoric before I read any of this, which is why I struggle to know what's real. But I never try anything, I'm so scared. I shouldn't be scared because luckily I have an amazing family who just want me to be happy. It seems the only person against myself is me. I now take anti-depressants because a month ago I wanted to die because of these thoughts. I would scream about dying and it scared my family so much. The thoughts still severely depress me and I cry all the time, it never goes away. It's just a bit better now where I feel more stable, I don't want to die. I just want to be more accepting of myself and find a way to figure out who I am and be happier. But I can't tell if having these constant thoughts and panicking about all of this is what "dysphoria" is and that I genuinely need to change who I am or not. I've never thought about my gender in all of my life until the past few months because of what I read. I'm 19 years old, is it possible I can be trans? Would anybody take me seriously? If I were to experiment and ended up identifying as non binary how would I be able to find a gender therapist who takes that seriously? And is it possible to try out hormones or any way to try to test how I'd feel without so much of my chest on show if I wasn't fully the opposite gender? Some days I worry I'm faking it all and that I can't be trans, other days I feel so scared of everything and have to wear baggy clothes to ignore my breasts, I monitor pronouns 24/7 but I can't find what fits or maybe I can and I'm in denial. Any help is appreciated
(*hug*) Hey. It's ok. I feel you. I really do. You are not alone. From what you are saying, you sound a lot like me, except I'm 15 and you're 19. Besides that, you sound like how I feel about my gender. I also experience dysphoria towards my breasts, but not towards any other part of my body. I also feel like a person rather than a girl. Sadly, I'm still questioning my gender, but hopefully these questions can help you straighten out who you are: Do you feel more like a person than a girl? Or is it the other way around? If someone thought you were a guy, would you be upset? Or would it be fine with you? Imagine yourself with a penis. Does it bother you? Does it make you feel right? Do you not care? Now think about how you feel about your vagina. Do you like it? Do you hate it? Is it just another body part? I wish I could be more helpful. Good luck (*hug*)
This is very helpful, thank you so much. Especially having someone else ask these questions makes me feel much more at ease for some reason. I definitely feel more like a person than a girl. I think if someone thought I were a guy then I'd probably feel a need to correct them. My mom has tried things like saying "good boy" to me to switch things around and it feels too weird to me. I get really anxious at the thought of turning into a man. Whether it's out of denial or simply because it's not me, I don't know but thinking of myself without labels or roles or pronouns and being "nothing" except just being me, makes me feel happier. Thinking of having a penis grosses me out but considering I don't care about my vagina then I probably wouldn't care what was down there? But the idea of a penis being down there feels really weird??? Like it would be something irritating and in the way and noticeable 24/7 whereas I never notice my vagina.
