Trying to pass as a girl...and other things

I'm definitely in the same boat on feelings of passing (except that I'm bio female transmasculine). Your feelings about not wanting a ton of makeup on seem super normal to me. Many cis-women don't like a lot of makeup either, and for you since it sounds like a new thing it will take time to get used to so starting light will be more comfortable.

If you find that magic spell to transition instantly, please share it with me!

 

One thing I can tell you is that you will never be a weird monster. You will simply be just another person with features that are clearly feminine and maybe a few features that are masculine. It reminds me of when I went to a supermarket and for some reason I started to visualize everyone around me as trans women... it was so easy to find facial features in everyone that would indicate that they are trans. The reason why no one notices these features is that no one actually looks for them, they see a person dressed as a woman and assume they are a woman. The only people who will ever view you as anything but a woman are people who knew you before transitioning. However, in time they will also forget how you used to look and as your confidence as a woman will grow they will also see you as nothing but a woman.

I've been reading a really fascinating book written by a trans woman called "The whipping Girl". At one point she explains that early on in transitioning, she was walking the streets and suddenly noticed as if by magic that everyone started treating her drastically differently. She had passed some sort of threshold and her features were feminine enough for the world around her to see her as nothing but a woman. She was a bit confused as when she looked in the mirror she still saw how masculine her features were. The reason why she could pass despite being so early in transitioning is that gender for most people is just a side thought, something they take for granted, there is nothing but men and women and they see people as either one. They interact in one way with men and another with women and they figure out gender through a glance. It has to do with the way attention works, you will only pay attention to something that interests you and you will be blind to everything else. We are highly interested in gender so we see it everywhere and take in much more information than most people do.

You took a huge step in buying the skirt that you did and should be proud of yourself, I still haven't taken that step and I really need to. This is a journey and we have no choice but to be patient. One thing that helps me is to know that at the end of the journey 98% of people who transition are really happy that they chose to transition. It shows that the vast majority of people do pass at the end of the journey. When you take into consideration the fact that many live in poverty, some go into prostitution and quite a few suffer from traumatic events along the way, the statistics really does show how effective transitioning really is. In time the doubts that you feel will disappear and you will fully accept yourself. It took me 5 months to reach that stage but once it happened the quality of my life drastically improved as I started feeling much more alive and I stopped feeling the disconnect and emptiness. Unfortunately, it does take time and it can be hard to cope with trying to hold on as the darkness drugs you down time and time again. We all go through that and you are not alone. You just need to find a way to survive one day after another and eventually things will become much easier.

Much hugs and if you ever need to talk just message me and I will be happy to listen and help as much as I can,

(*hug*)

Evelyn