Hello, Im a biological girl in my twenties, but I've been confused about my genderidentity my whole life, always thinking I'd never do anything about it. But nowadays I cant sleep without dreaming about it all the time... Im sorry if Im saying something weird, because I dont know all the terms. I hope someone can help me figure this out. My biggest wish would be to go back in time and be born as a male instead of female. And then grow up that way, and when reaching my teens I'd go on hormone blockers. I'd grow up as a really feminine guy, like, not that deep of a voice, smooth skin and no body hair.. A guy that could pass for a female if he wanted to. Obviously that wont happen, so what can I do now? What is my gender identity? I really dont feel female, but I dont like the things associated with being male, all the things that testosterone would do.. So transitioning doesnt feel right. I love dressing girly lolita, but not as a girl. I always think Im a guy crossdressing.. Normally I feel most comfortable wearing a binder and boyclothes, but my hips are quite wide and it really disturbes me. I even imagine im a guy during sex, which is unfair to my partner. So I dont know what to do. Can somebody help?
It sounds to me like you are indeed an androgyne person. That sounds just about right to me! The first thing you could do is to allow yourself to dress the way you like and so on more - don't conform to female gender roles if you don't want to! If you want to dress in boys' clothes or so, do so. Have you talked to your partner about that you imagine yourself as a guy during sex? Maybe he'd be turned off, but maybe it would be good to say so - or maybe not. But otherwise, fantasizing is common during sex. There's nothing wrong in you fantasizing about being in a different body or so during sex. It's just a little something extra that heightens your experience.
I think the best thing you can do now is let yourself explore your likes and dislikes. Dress how you want, look how you want, and do whatever makes you feel comfortable. It can be hard to fully understand your gender, so don't push yourself too hard. You may not be able to go back in time and go on hormone blockers, but you can make the most of the present by discovering and embracing your true self.