Hey, this is gonna be reallyyyyy long, so please bear with me. Your help will be greatly appreciated. So... ugh, where do I start? I'm biologically female. Ever since I was a kid (about 4 years old) I felt that there's something "wrong" with me. I wanted to be a boy. -I hated girls' clothes, I dressed as a boy most of the time. -I never liked playing with dolls. I used to play with cars, bikes, and stuff like that. I loved playing with the boys and I loved playing soccer. -When I was a kid, my grandma told me that if a girl walks under the rainbow, she'll become a boy (and vice versa). So guess what I tried to do everytime I saw a rainbow? -As a kid, I used to hit and scratch my chest and genitalia because I didn't want to be a girl -I referred to myself as a boy and cried every time someone used female pronouns. Yes, I literally cried. I even wanted my parents to call me Michael. This continued on until I started middle school. Yep, middle school was terrible. Girls started making fun of me for dressing and acting like a boy, guys spread rumours about me being a lesbian. I had no friends. I also forgot to mention that I've always liked girls, but it never bothered me until people started making fun of me and my parents told me that it's "wrong". Just the thought of being female for the rest of my life, marrying a guy and having kids with him made me sooooo depressed. So I started dressing like a girl just to please everyone around me, though it felt so unnatural. This didn't last long, when I turned 12 I started listening to rap, wearing baggy clothes, drawing graffiti, skateboarding and biking with the guys. I always played the guy character in video games and always chose "male" when registering on a website or something My cousin introduced me to her friend. Her friend was a girl (MtF) and damn... I really admired her and wished I could be like her. I wished I could become a guy. I was so jealous. When I was 13, I officially came out to my parents as a lesbian. They didn't tell me it's "wrong" this time. They said it's okay as long as I'm happy with what I am. I thought I finally came to terms with my sexuality once and for all. At this point, I didn't feel the need to be a boy. In fact, I liked being a girl. God, it felt SO good. But not for so long. Since I was 14 (I'm almost 17 now) I've had these periods (lasting from a few days to like two weeks) where I feel the ovewhelming need to be a guy. During these period I feel really uncomfortable in my skin, I dress as a guy and I bind my chest. I recently started asking people to refer to me as a guy and use male pronouns... and it feels so good, dammit. I feel more like myself. So here's the problem, this feeling, this "urge" to be a boy comes and goes, sometimes I want to be a guy, sometimes I just want to be agender/butch lesbian or whatever. Though I feel really uncomfortable when referring to myself as a female. So, this urge comes and goes, but lately I've started having it more often, and for a longer periods of time. It's really confusing and I just want to know what the hell I am cause I really can't take this anymore. Right now I really want to start the transition, start taking T, etc. But I feel like I might regret it later on. I have a horrible chest dysphoria, I've always hated my breasts, so I wouldn't really regret getting the surgery, but... what if I regret becoming a guy in a few years from now? I talked to my dad about this (he's the most supportive man I've ever known). He said we'll talk about it when he gets home (he works abroad). He's totally okay with it and he said I could start transitioning now, as long as I'm 100% sure that I want it and that I won't regret it. I have a few more questions... I need some more info about the hormones... are estrogen blockers necessary, how much does testosterone cost and how long should you take it? I live in Europe, if that helps. And how much does the top surgery usually cost?
You sound trans to me. Everybody doubts it, but if you have dysphoria (which it sounds like you do) you probably won't regret it--but that's a risk everybody takes when starting it. Since you're older, you won't be on puberty blockers but you may be put on some sort of period blocker--they're not necessary to go on testosterone but if you have a lot of dysphoria about that you can. You probably have to be on testosterone your whole life, but some people who want to remain looking feminine do it very slowly, or rotate on or off of it. It takes about six years for all of the changes to happen. As for the prices, it probably depends on where you live in Europe and your insurance. That's a good thing to ask your doctor.
You definitely sound trans. Dysphoria can fluctuate, and it sounds like that's what's happening to you, and that's totally normal. If you can wait to start T, do it. Wait until you're really sure. That way, you're very unlikely to regret it. If you feel like you can't wait, and you've felt like this for a while, it's probably the right choice, and you should start the process of talking to doctors and therapists and whatnot. The prices definitely vary depending on where you live and your insurance, so that's something for you to look into. You won't need an estrogen blocker (though I believe they stop your period, so you might be put on one temporarily if you're not starting T right away and your period causes you distress) because testosterone is stronger than estrogen and essentially drowns out the effects. In terms of how long you take it, it depends on which changes are important to you. Some changes are permanent (facial hair, voice change), so if those are the only ones you care about, you could stop taking T once those changes are complete. Other changes will revert if you stop taking T (fat distribution (which is what gives you a more male shape to your body), stopping your period), so if those changes are important to you, you will need to be on T for the rest of your life.