Does anyone else feel this way?

I hope I'm not alone in this, but does anyone feel unsafe in certain spaces ever since coming out or having the realization that you don't identify with what you were assigned at birth?

For me, I know ever since coming out I don't feel safe in many spaces--and they're with other trans people.

Pre-transition, I never felt like my voice and opinion meant less or that I was being silenced by cis people. The groups of people I hung out with were basically a family, and everyone was treated fairly and kindly. There was no pissing contest where you had more power over someone else.

Now that I'm out, I'm starting to feel less safe associating with many people, especially the trans community. While I don't put a label to how I present, society (both inside and outside the trans community) would say I'm masculine in how I show myself. Ever since then, I feel like I'm constantly being demonized and made to feel like a bad person because of it. Yes, certain kinds of masculinity are toxic, but I feel that it's horrible and unfair to cast blind judgment and hate on people for their presentation and what they feel comfortable with. So many people going through the FTM tags on tumblr, and calling every person who is white, masculine presenting, and works out a "stupid fuck boy" and literally laughing at them, and I've seen this for myself via a Skype call I was involved with a few months ago.

I get it if the person is gender policing and saying "you need to do x, y, and z in order to be a man/woman/etc", but to just do it maliciously to someone who has done literally nothing to you and poses no threat, it's fucked up and cruel. If someone feels safe and happy presenting as masculine/feminine/androgynous because it makes them happy, then let them do their own thing; regardless if conformity is a motive. I used to think bullying by cis people was horrible, but now I've seen that the worst monsters are from our own community. Because of this, I'm slowly withdrawing from the community because no person should feel vulnerable and unsafe to be themselves in SAFE SPACES, and I constantly dread doing or saying anything out of being slandered via ad hominem attacks.

It's talk and get called a fuckboy for "talking over people" or "speaking for all trans people", or I stay quiet and get treated like garbage for "perpetuating violence against trans people" and "being such a typical dude bro". Hey, maybe that's just my "stupid white feelings" talking, but I wonder if anyone feels this way too. Do you feel unsafe in trans spaces?

 

Oh scratch the working out part. They don't even have to be gym selfies. I've seen people who say they're radical trans people do it to anyone who non-POC and presents as masculine; which is part of the reason why I don't take selfies anymore and I rarely speak about how things are going for me with my transition in general.

Aside from all of you here, the only people I have are people in about two groups on facebook who are demonized for being masculine (and mostly white) and the others are radicals who sometimes do what I mentioned in the original post and here. So it's be in spaces where I don't usually say much and get shit for even associating with a group where there's less than a handful of problematic people (who aren't there anymore) or feel unsafe with radicals who come off as bullies to others.

 

I swear being in the closet was so much easier than being out, and it's people like this who make me regret even coming out in the first place. At least while I was hiding myself, I never felt like I was being villainized. Now, I feel like my gender is constantly being used to invalidate me or basically tell me "shut the fuck up, your voice doesn't matter" and "god, why do you think as a man you have the right to act like your opinion matters more"....all while trying to be civil or just stating an opinion so simple as talking about preferring hamburgers to pizza or ships on TV shows.

As I said else where, being that I already deal with a plate full of mental illnesses that already tell me that the simple act of me existing is problematic, abusive, manipulative, disgusting, and terrible--I already feel like I don't matter. It fucking sucks to get sucker punched in the face with privileges I don't feel like I can "rightfully own" unless I pass to society, which I feel like I don't. But I guess simply identifying as male means my privilege level went from 0 to 100% in a split second, and that's that. You identify as male? Well, here's your privilege. Fucking take it. It doesn't matter if you don't pass or don't have access to transition material (and probably never will due to financial, medical, or other personal reasons). You have 100% male privilege.

I won't disagree that many say about trans men being held to a different standard then cis men, but to just automatically take a shit on everyone who is a transguy is unfair. Before some of us transitioned, we already feel silenced and that our voices don't matter because what we were told because of how we were socialized as female. But now we walk into a space where we're told to shut the fuck up just locks many of us in the same revolving door we were put in in the first place.

I'm not saying talking over people is okay, absolutely not. But it's just so unfair that you think the world is going to welcome you warmly after finding the real you--but they just beat you down and tell to shut up and get the fuck over it. I hate how innocent masculinity is turned into something ugly, and every masculine trans person is treated like garbage and that they're a piece of shit just because of how they look--or how those who try to do things to help the community or even make them happy means they're a "dude bro"; like Aydian Dowling, Shawn Stinson, and many others.

But y'know, I'll never tell any of my friends outside here how much it hurts me. Because I know the second I open my mouth, they'll tell me that being upset over how I present and how unfair it is that masculine transguys are getting hate without even saying or doing anything to them is "an act of violence against femmes". But if anyone did the same thing to someone who is femme, they'd get harassed and sent death threats.

tl;dr: Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but so many radical people I know make me regret coming out. I'd rather deal with nightmares over the worst thing that could happen if I came out than made to feel like a piece of shit by people in my community for trying to find any amount of happiness I have left in myself that I tried to destroy out of anger and fear. It's always great to know some people in our community get a free pass to make others feel worse about themselves, but defending yourself and having the right to be upset about bullying "is an act of violence" and "trying to silence femmes".