Hey guys. So I'm having a rough time medically transitioning (ftm). I'm also having a tough time with my relationship. No abuse or anything. It's just I've always known I was a girl, even though I felt differently. Becoming a man is definitely weird. My brain and body are becoming male but males don't have a vagina between their legs. I know I can get bottom surgery but it's SOOOOOO expensive and the waiting list is soooo long. Binding and packing help with my dysphoria but everytime I take all that off I go right back to hating myself... As for my relationship, I'm afraid that once I fully transition my bf will leave me.. He said he won't but those are just words. I'm bi but it's odd trying to get used to dating a man as a man. My sexual orientation hasn't changed. I'm much more attracted to males than females. Yeaa I guess I'm just ranting. No better place to do it though Have you guys experienced this stuff? I'm pretty damn sure I'm not the only one.
I feel you a lot on this, so you aren't alone. I constantly worry about my partner leaving me for someone else, even though he constantly reassures me that he loves me and doesn't see himself with anyone else but me. It gets hard to remember that sometimes when you have the amount of paranoia that I do from the crappy things I've gone through (and various other things relating to mental illness). I think us both being trans helps makes things easier since we can relate to things on a similar level than I would if I was with a cis guy. With the other side to medically transitioning, that might be the hardest part. I've wanted this ever since I was a kid, but it's way harder than I ever imagined. I had such a child like idea as to how it would play out. That everything in terms of surgery is done at the same time in the OR, and while you're under the knife, a team of lawyers will handle the legal documents for you--such as your name and gender marker change. Once you're in the ICU, that's it. Everything is settled and you're in your new life, and all you need to worry about is recovering. I have a growing hate for my chest and a disconnection to everything below the belt. It angers me, but I'm stuck with it for now. I want to get so much done, but I feel immense shame for my transition as it is; not so much from loved ones, but people in the community, that I'm hogging up resources and I don't deserve them because there's someone else that deserve to have them more than me. I want to be able to wake up to a flat chest and the right parts, but I feel like I don't deserve them because someone else could benefit from them more, and I'm stealing valuable time from surgeons and doctors. It's silly, but I'm not sure if I can overcome that shaming feeling. Even financially, I'm afraid to make that move. I'd love to do campaigns to help, but there's already enough people who say those people didn't "earn it" because they didn't pull themselves up by their boot straps and a lot of other things. So at the rate I'm able to pull in money, I likely will never get top surgery (or anything for that matter) because most of what I make (as small as it is) goes towards utilities and groceries--so I have nothing left in the end (I think I made less than $500 this year).
Transitioning, relationships - these things can be hard on their own, let alone when you have to deal with both of them at the same time. I think many of us feel worried that their partners may leave them as a result of transitioning. Some do, but others stay together, and there's no way of telling how your specific relationship will endure the process of you becoming more comfortable in your own body. If your be says he will stay, well he may just will. At least he is sticking with you now, many others could have already given up and left. If you really don't feel confident in his intentions, maybe have an honest talk with him. Make sure you keep asking how he feels through the process of you transitioning. lastly, your transition is a process, you will get to a less dysphoric state, and the bottom surgery will happen. Good things are worth waiting for cheer up, you are already on the way (medical transitioning), many of us have not even started (like me)! Stay positive and you'll get there!
