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Is it normal to feel like this???

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by noname8387, Nov 20, 2015.

  1. noname8387

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    I think I am making a lot of progress with finding my gender identity. But there are still some things that aren't falling into place.

    I saw that I don't really fit either edge of the spectrum and I'm over "feeling my gender" because it isn't solving my problems. I'm just trying to be more accepting of myself and see what comes out. So with that out of the way (and thanks to many of your suggestions), I am trying to focus on how I want to look physically because I've been struggling with that too, so maybe if I figure this out first, my mental gender will follow.

    Here is the dilemma: I don't have body dysphoria, but my gender expression is really feminine and I want to look as "fierce" as I can, and in most cases, the way to do that is looking like a girl. I sometimes love what I see in the mirror when I'm feeling good, but sometimes I feel really bulky or too masculine. The thought of SRS really doesn't appeal to me.

    I definitely have some gender role issues that I'm working on (I was always taught that men who do girl things are pathetic and look gross, so I was starting to think that of myself), but this goes a little beyond that. You know how girls uploads photos to Instagram of their legs? Well when a guys does it, it just looks like a hairy mess. Also when they are walking, girls' hips, shape and long hair give it a lot more attitude. Same when wearing dresses, so do you see my problem?

    You may say "you are just a drag queen" but I do get this real envy for women. Many of the things it looks better when they do them (Though not all of them). I've been going to a gender therapist and he says he's pretty sure I'm not transgender. I would agree but these feeling are really conflicting. I thought that maybe if I get over my gender issues and become more confident this envy will go away, and in some ways it has (when I feel like I look better as a guy doing certain things), but not entirely, which probably would end my questioning for good.

    Is this envy somewhat normal for gender non-conforming/feminine guys? Something that drag queens/crossdressers go through? How can I stop feeling envy or learn to deal with it?
    :help:
     
    #1 noname8387, Nov 20, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2015
  2. ilovesg

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    This reminded me of my friend. He's a guy, but he wears makeup and dresses like a girl. I don't know if he considers himself trans, but he has said that he does not want to actually transition, he just likes being a girl in every other way. Also, you don't necessarily have to have dysphoria to be trans. Im not saying that means you are trans, but it is something to think about. If your therapist doesn't think you are and you don't either, then you probably aren't. I think it is normal to have envy, I do it too. I envy guys a lot because even if I wear the same thing, it will look different on a guy and I will never be able to look like that. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as curvy so that I could pull it off like they do. There are many guys who are feminine and non conforming who still consider themselves guys. Try not to worry about it too much. I hope I helped :slight_smile:
     
    #2 ilovesg, Nov 20, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2015
  3. Mila

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    Hi noname8387,

    As you most likely know by now, all the gender, sexuality, and various other identities and expressions are not black and white, so the first thing to remember is that however you are feeling is perfectly normal. If you feel like you envy girls/women but do not want to transition, in my books that is fine. You will come across some purists who will say otherwise, but I don't really care if you go through the SRS or not. I am saying it in a good tone, im trying to say that it's perfectly fine.

    With regards to how to curb your envious thoughts- it depends on your situation. Do you dress up as a girl/woman? Do you do it often? If you haven't, maybe give it a try? If you have, does the feeling of envy go away?

    Mila
     
  4. Contact1111

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    Well, it does sound like you have some discomfort with your body.....but it might not really be a gender issue, I'm not sure from what you wrote. It isn't enough to really tell. However, your therapist doesn't seem to think so, and I'd take his word over anybody here. It sounds like maybe you would like to have a bit of a different look though, which is totally fine on it's own. Maybe you would prefer to be a bit slighter of build, might very well be easily attainable just by diet and lifestyle choices. It's always possible to lose weight, just make sure you do it in a controlled and healthy manner. Maybe you would also like to grow out your hair, because you mentioned that as something you are "envious" of. If you haven't already tried it, you might want to experiment with certain types of clothing and self expression if you are in a place where it is safe to do so. When you do these things, you may find that you are more comfortable with yourself.