I apologise in advance if this isn't the right forum for this, but I literally have nowhere else to go. Also this might be long. (Just to say, I'm biologically female, and a teenager) So, for about two or three years, I've been a little... put out by my gender. It's not like I hate being female or anything, and it's not like I desperately want to be male. I don't care if I'm she/her or he/him. It doesn't bother me. Either set of pronouns and I'm fine. But (and I don't want to get too graphic) I just hate the top half of my body. Like, literally despise. I, since the start of puberty, have hated having breasts. The older I got, the worse I felt. Same thing at the 'time of the month'. It's as if, I'm fine with being me. Not female, not male, just me. Then BANG! 'Time of the month' creeps up on me and I'm reminded I'm a f*****g female. Now, this is probably something that contributed to me having severe clinical depression, GAD, and very low self-esteem. I only just realised that there were other people out there who felt like me. I can't say everything I feel about my gender, or everything that is on my mind about my situation, but I've read a lot about people's experiences being agender, and I seem to relate. So, I decided that I'm not a freak, and there are others like me. I am normal, right? But that's the question I keep coming back to. I am not female, I'm not male, I am me. Just a human being. I wear both 'female' and 'male' clothing (though I lean towards male), I long for a flat chest, and for the 'time of the month' to stop. Just looking at myself in the mirror makes me feel physically sick. You can see I look like any other girl. But I don't want to. I am also considering having my hair cut very short (it's quite long right now). I also wear bandages on my top half because I haven't got binding or anything. (I know it's dangerous, but it makes me feel better). Now, back to the mental health thing. I once told my parents (when I had no idea what being agender meant), "I don't feel like a girl. I'm not saying I'm transgender, but I just don't feel female." They laughed it off, and I noticed them both saying (over the next couple of months), "let's get you a dress" or, "you should wear something more girly" (and many other phrases like that). They couldn't be more obvious if they tried. So, I don't know whether I am agender, or this is just a simple phase. I can't tell my parents. They don't seem to supportive over this sort of thing. Neither about sexuality or gender. I have three close-ish friends that I can trust with this. The first is transgender (female to male), and is going trough transition. He is on the other side of the world after moving there a couple of years ago. We are still in contact, but he isn't here to help, and I don't want him to think I'm just 'copying' him because he's transgender. My second friend would probably be fine with it. She is very accepting of all sexualities, and I was the first person she told that she was gay, and she has anxiety. Going by this, I thought there was a certain level of trust between her and myself (I've told her things I would never tell anyone else). However, because of my terrible state of mental health, I have skipped a lot of months of school. When I went back last year, she seemed colder with me, she seemed to hang around with a lot of different people, and she seemed more distant with me. Then it was the summer holidays. Then this year started and I went back to school. Then, after a month, I stopped going in. I went back about five weeks after and she was even more distant with me. It's like because I wasn't there, we stopped being close friends. I don't feel I can tell her this now. My final close friend doesn't really accept my transgender friend - saying, "but she's still a girl." I questioned her further about gender and stuff and she doesn't accept it at all. So who do I tell? I've got one sibling, my sister. She's in university, and isn't living at home. She would probably accept this, but I'm terrified she will reject me. And what if I do tell someone, and they say, "it's just a phase, you'll grow out of it." What if it is just a phrase? What if I do grow out of it and they say, "I told you so". What do I do when whoever I told is right? Am I agender, if not, what am I? If I am, is this just a phase? Who do I tell? Who can I be myself around?
You could definitely be transgender, and I think that's very likely. If it's just your chest it could be dysmorphia, but if you're dysphoric about your genitals or other secondary sex characteristics it's probably dysphoria. I'd recommend considering how you want to be biologically. If you're dysphoric it's probably not a phase, but you can never know for sure.
You sound a lot like me, but with more hate towards your breasts. You sound agender to me and, since you said you despised the top of your body since the beginning of puberty, I don't think 'it's a phase'. Besides, even if it is 'a phase', you're still you no matter what. As for who to tell, I can't really answer that because you know your friends, not me. If you feel comfortable coming out, then come out. If you don't, then don't. You said you bind with bandages and I want you to please stop. I know I'm not in charge of you or anything, but bandages are very harmful to your body. Ace bandages are designed to tighten when you move, restricting your breathing. Please, please, please get a binder or a couple of sports bras to use instead. It's much safer. You could either buy a binder or, if your parents won't let you do that, you can wear two sports bras, one on top of the other, one forwards and one backwards. (*hug*) I'm sure you will figure everything out. I hope I helped.
