Hey y'all, I need some help figuring out my gender identity. Here's what I can think of: -Anatomically speaking, I am female. This gives me some trouble, sometimes more than others. When I look in the mirror, I recognise that I'm facing a beautiful human being, but I feel like my breasts don't really "belong" to me. I think my facial features are quite androgynous but they're still too feminine, too soft. These things frustrate me. -Nevertheless, sometimes I like to wear make up, nail polish, jewelry, dresses, feminine clothes in general. -Yet sometimes I prefer to wear masculine clothes and avoiding all the things I mentioned above systematically. -Last January I cut my hair short (like, real short) for the first time in my life. It was awesome and I kind of miss that haircut, because I definitely looked more boyish. Now it's medium-length. On the other hand, I also miss when it was long almost to my elbows. It looked good on me. -I like singing and I've always had a rather low register for a girl. I love that and I'd rather focus on hitting lower notes than higher ones. However, I enjoy singing both male and female parts with completely different voices a lot. -Masculine pronouns and people referring to me as a male make me feel at ease. When people accidentally use masculne pronouns, I'm happy. When they tell me I sound like a young boy when I sing, I'm happy. Last week an acquaintance of mine said: "IMO, having a baby is every woman's biggest and most wonderful achievement". I disagreed and my best friend told me: "Your opinion doesn't count. You're a man". Naturally I was a bit offended because I still thought their opinion was a bit harmful, but I was also full of joy even if she said it as a joke. -I have a girlfriend. I'm pansexual, and she's a lesbian. She loves me as a woman. This makes me uncomfortable. When she looks at my body and she tells me I'm beautiful, the way she says that hurts me. I'm not sure how to explain that. Also, sexually speaking, both physically and psychologically, I'm not at ease doing things that a woman tipically does (e.g. being penetrated vaginally). -As for transitioning, I've considered the option, but I'm scared and I wouldn't do that right now. Not because I wouldn't change my anatomical gender right now if I had the change, but because I know that it would be difficult, and I'm having a rough time and I'm not sure I would have the means to cope with everything at once. -Many of my behaviours are not masculine (but they're not feminine either). I hate gender stereotypes/expectations/whatever. Overall, I'd say I think more like a girl (I'm quite sensitive, I talk a lot etc.), but other things (e.g. I'm extremely independent and I can be very logical) make me doubt it. -I'm a writer. I like using both male P.O.V.s and female ones. -I haven't looked into other possibilities apart from transgender. I'm not sure what being genderfluid, androgynous etc. really means. I'd like to know more about that. A hug to everyone. If you have questions, let me know that. Bye :3
I forgot a couple things: -Sometimes I'm comfortable using female pronouns referring to myself. Sometimes I'm not. Same goes for identifying as a female. -I've always thought that I'd like to grow a beard and that I would look hot as a male. -My girlfriend is way more masculine than me in her thoughts, behavior etc. Yet she completely identifies as female. She's usually the one that needs more reassurance in our relationship, she likes cuddling more than I do and so on (though she's really tough on the surface... from this P.O.V. I'm quite her opposite). -Sometimes I like to deliberately act girly, for example when I go shopping. -I don't consider myself both male and female or agender. It's more complex than that.
Maybe check more into the genderqueer spectrum. Or genderfluid. I feel much the same way you do, in general. Judging from the similarities in our experiences, I'd say there's a good chance you could be genderfluid, so you should definitly look into that. Genderfluid means... Briefly put, Sometimes a guy, sometimes a girl, sometimes other. And it can change randomly, in my experience. Pretty close to what you described, I think. (Or of what I grasped of the concept of genderfluid.)
@Linus Mm, it could work, but the thing is, there are extremely long periods when I feel... well, I would say male, but I feel like I have a rather fixed, though quite undefined, position on the gender spectrum. On the other hand, whenever I'm less uncomfortable with my body, I never feel too close to an essentially "female" identity. Sorry if I'm not clear, I'm not a native English speaker D:
I don't really know all the different non-binary terms, (Genderqueer, genderfluid, androgynous, etc.), but you defiantly seem to be somewhere on the non-binary spectrum. If I were you I would probably just identify as non-binary, as opposed to something more specific, and then wear and act however you want and not worry about if it fits. Also, labels are useful to communicate but don't focus on them too much. And Yoake, your English is better than a lot of native English speakers I find on this site and others. The only difficulty in communicating is the difficulty of trying to talk about the complex topic of gender, the language doesn't seem to be giving you any problem.
Is it possible that you might be a trans guy? You described being uncomfortable with your chest, not wanting to be in a relationship as a woman, preferring a hairstyle that made you look more like a guy, wanting a beard, and preferring to sing in a lower voice. Socially, you described being happy to be seen or talked about as male and being comfortable with he/him pronouns. Though you mentioned sometimes being okay being female, varying levels of dysphoria are completely normal and don't necessarily indicate genderfluidity. You said yourself, you never feel particularly close to being female. I suggest trans male in particular because a lot of what you talked about describes me as well (I experience dysphoria in a lot of similar ways; I really relate to the desire to sing in a lower voice because that is one of the more subtle signs of voice dysphoria that I had before I realized I was trans), and I am a trans guy. Furthermore, most of your descriptions of how you experience physical and social dysphoria align with a fairly typical experience of a binary trans man.
@tgOlivia Thank you! Well, I agree, but I'm not as eager to find an adequate label, as I am to understand more about what I feel. I want to understand myself better, and I feel like I can't do that, because everything is so vague and confusing at times. @darkcomesoon Yes, I have definitely considered that option. I think the truth is, it scares me. Not because it is difficult for me to accept, but because... first of all, what if I struggle to make things better and nothing works? What if, for example, I start HRT and I still feel like I'm not enough? What if I feel like I will never be enough? Not for other people, but for myself. Would it still be worth it? And would it be worth it to hurt my girlfriend, who would still love me but would be forced to leave me because she wouldn't be physically attracted to me anymore? To disappoint my parents? They're very open minded, but they think I'm more fragile than I actually am and they would be worried because they would know how difficult that would be.
If you have dysphoria over things like your voice and other things that taking T will affect, HRT will really help with that. Sure, you very well may still have insecurities. Sometimes your dysphoria will still tell you that you look too feminine, even when you clearly don't, because that's what it's been trained to worry about. So no, HRT isn't guaranteed to suddenly make you feel 100% great and like you're enough all the time. But it really helps. The rest is your job. Learning to accept how you look and who you are, and learning to believe that you are enough is your job. And it will happen. You might end up needing to get help to make it happen, but you will learn to feel like you're enough. So many people have gone through this and ended up just fine, even if it was hard to get to that point. You're going to end up just fine too. It just might take a bit of fighting to get there. Deciding whether HRT is really the right option for you is something only you can do, but if you have dysphoria and you really think it would help, then yes. It's worth it. It'd be hard for your girlfriend, hard for your parents, and hard for you. But it makes you feel so much better. It won't fix all of the dysphoria, but it will fix a lot. Your parents would learn to accept it. Your girlfriend might not be able to stay with you, but that's okay. Yes, it would hurt, but if HRT is really what you need, it's not worth it to sacrifice your own comfort to stay in the relationship. Remember that transitioning goes in baby steps. If today or tomorrow or in a week or in a year you decide that trans guy is the right label for you, it's not like that's a commitment to taking HRT. It's not a commitment to anything. Transition goes slowly. You take steps when you're ready. First you pick a label. Then maybe you tell a couple people. Maybe a new name and some new pronouns, just for those few people to use. If everything you're doing is making you feel more comfortable, if it feels like you're taking steps in the right direction, you start telling more people. You start living using the name and pronouns that feel right. None of that is permanent. If you decide you don't like that name and pronouns, you switch. If you decide you were wrong about your identity, you choose a new label. If you decide that you are a trans guy but you don't want to take HRT, you don't take HRT. You can still be a guy and have people refer to you as such even if you don't think T is worth it. So don't worry too much about every detail of your future. One step at a time. First just think about the label that describes you; don't worry about the implications. Nothing has to come sooner than you're ready for it.
@darkcomesoon Thank you so much! I needed to read that... you know what, I guess you're right. I don't want to decide anything before I'm ready, I want to take some time to understand myself better first. Also, this morning I went to the hairdresser on impulse, and my hair is even shorter than last time, and I'm so, so, happy! When I look in the mirror it's easier to feel like I am myself. I think I'm going towards the right direction. What else could I do to find out whether I'm actually trans and whether it would be good for me to do something about it?
What's really helped me is just to start taking those first reversible transition steps and see how they feel. If you have one or two close friends who you would feel comfortable asking to use different pronouns for you, you could start to get a sense of whether that feels really comfortable and you would want to ask everyone to use those pronouns for you eventually. Try binding your chest (safely please! Two sports bras or a real binder, never ace bandages) and see if that feels more comfortable for you. Any of those small steps can help you decide whether you're going in the right direction, and they can all be undone if you decide you don't like them. In terms of deciding what is worth actually doing about it, that just takes time. Personally, I've been trying to keep track of how many days I feel that I would be happier on T to see whether it's enough of a majority that it would be a good decision. You could track similar things. Get a sense of how often you feel sufficiently uncomfortable with she/her pronouns that you want people using different pronouns for you. Get a sense of how often you wish you had a flat chest, how often you wish you had a male name, etc. Anything you're uncomfortable with more days than not is probably worth doing something about.
