Just sad I guess...

Things haven't been that good lately and I don't have anyone I can really tell so I'll just post here. Mainly, it's my brother and my friend and camp. My brother makes me feel dysphoric a lot, I think maybe he knows that I'm trans but I don't know. He says things like "She's just jealous" "She" referring to me and I guess "jealous" referring to me "wanting" to be a boy. Whenever anyone in my family says something stereotypical about women, he'll laugh at me and it hurts because it reminds me that people still see me as a girl. I don't really get my friend and I don't even know if I should call her a friend anymore. When I came out to her, she seemed to understand that I'd get surgery and that even though I'd be different on the outside, I'd have the same personality I'd always had and things like that. Now, it seems like she either forgot that conversation or she doesn't care/understand.

She's trying to get me to date this guy in our grade because he has a crush on me. I told her that I can't because he doesn't know that I'm FTM and she said that it'd be fine because she told him some secrets about her as well. That doesn't make sense, she doesn't see the problem with a straight guy dating a pre-everything FTM. I don't think she understands, she still calls me female pronouns and girl, honey, etc. Then she says that I should put my hair up more and that I'm beautiful but I've already told her that I don't like my body. She says that she is totally supportive of the LGBT community but she still uses words like "transsexual" and apparently "hermaphrodites" are a third gender. She said that the "transsexual" flag is purple which is wrong too. It wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't coming from someone who said they understood what I was going through (also a lie).

With camp, I sort of didn't do some of the activities because I felt dysphoric and it was terrible. I really wanted to do one of the activities but the girls in my dorm said that everyone should wear a sports bra to stop things from moving around while running and then I felt just really sick so I sat on a bench while everyone else did stuff. Then, I overheard this conversation and yeah...basically these girls were trying to guess what gender this guy (I knew he was a guy because he helped our team with some activities, his name was Oliver) was. Some people were like "he's a boy" and others were like "I think that's a girl" and then someone said "I think it's a transgender" and then people agreed but people were still using male pronouns when referring to him. Then the girls said you shouldn't use male pronouns if you don't know his gender. They said, "Fine, it then", "Who cares what it is anyway" I hate when people say "it" because it doesn't make me feel like a human and they think they're being all clever and funny but I've heard it a million times before.

And it makes me wonder if things will always be like this. If people will always think of me as less than human and some punchline. All these thoughts and memories just keeps going around and around in my mind and it's making me sad.