Basically, since around the time of my 'coming out' about liking guys sometimes (especially one friend of mine) as well as girls, I have also begun to become more aware of feelings that I really don't understand at all. These feelings are really quite ineffable, and although they have been around my whole life they don't make sense. There are several parts to this actually. Basically, growing up and through a lot of my life I never felt any different than any other guy. I dressed masculine, acted masculine, and didn't really give anything else a thought. However, I would also feel sort of feminine sometimes. It wasn't a matter of "wanting to be a girl" or anything like that, it was just sort of imagining myself that way sort of. However, sometimes when I got that feeling my usual working out, bulky body didn't appeal to me anymore. I'd kind of look in the mirror and wish I was thinner and a bit slight of build. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to look in the mirror and see a girl or something like that. It was just sort of a feeling that I found and still do find a bit puzzling. I didn't even really show any real interest in stereotypically "girly" things as a kid even. At least I don't remember doing that. I still get the same feelings, and they've been basically the same as time has gone on. I used to just kind of ignore those feelings and not think too much of it. Recently, I've begun to actually enjoy them though. I painted my nails a while back, and I found that I really liked it. At first, I didn't think a lot of it. Then, somehow I really enjoyed this form of self expression, and I felt so much better about myself. Also, I also just feel different about stuff when I feel that way about myself. I've also begun to feel pretty different about myself. It's not so much a physical thing as a social thing, and I feel like I am not really what society defines as a "man" somehow. It's more of a feeling of not fitting into the societal gender roles. This may be the wrong way to put it though, because I don't dislike my anatomy so to speak. I wouldn't want any of that to be different. I don't mean any of this in a negative way though, it's just kind of how I feel sometimes. It's more of like what I want people to see in me or something. Like when I painted my nails, I felt like it sent a message to people about the overall feeling that I have of myself sometimes. Sending this message felt very good to me. I feel like maybe it's more of a self expression thing. Plus, there are times when I don't feel this way at all, which is kind of confusing. I never really questioned myself in terms of "gender identity" in terms of my body or anything though. So, basically I don't know exactly what to make of it. The oddest part is that these all sound like things that would be being said by a guy who naturally acts very feminine in their day to day life. However, this isn't really and hasn't really been the case. Other than the thing with the nails, that was really the only "feminine" thing I have ever really done. If you saw me, you would likely be surprised to see that I'm saying all this.
