Hi guys, I am a gay male, I am 28 years old.... I recently had a terrible experience that has me really questioning a lot of things.. I fell in love with this guy, (my first love) after a year of things going good he comes to me and says "I have something I need to tell you, I never loved you and I am not gay. I did everything to use you, I had bills to take care of and I knew that if I lead you down this path that I could eventually get whatever I wanted from you, I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I took advantage of you and I used you" I don't think that I really have to explain how devastated I was, I cried my eyes out. It has been roughly 3 months since that happened, I helped him In so many ways, He left me broken spiritually and financially. He also added this comment "I don't judge but I could never be gay, two women or two men shouldn't raise a child they need both a mother and a father" Okay, Did I forget to mention that we were sexually active? His excuse is that he did that also to get what he needed from me. I kept him from being evicted from his apartment, I fed him, I clothed him, I was there when he had no one else. I do not believe any of the things that he said, I believe in my heart that he is confused, I don't know. He broke my heart into a million pieces. After about a month he asked me to meet with him and I agreed. I went to his place and once I got there he text me "I have a date over and she will not be leaving for another hour, I am going to put my phone on airplane mode, see you when she leaves" I was hurt all over again, I felt like he did that just to set me up to hurt me again, Long story short, I became angry and I went and knocked on his door and he came out and threatened me with police and told me that he no longer had time for me because he has a girl now and she might be pregnant. I left crying and I told him I could no longer be friends. Okay, this is where my post comes into play. Obviously I am taking this extremely hard, I have cried almost everyday for the past 3 months and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. All I can think about is that I wasn't good enough and that I wasn't the "right" person. I find myself extremely jealous of females, I cant even compete for him because I do not have what it takes. I have always had feelings of extremely jealousy over females because in my mind I relate mostly to females. I have always been pretty sure that I am just a gay male but I have been extremely depressed all of my life because I do not identify with the body that I am in. Maybe I feel this way because of the extreme pain and emotions that I feel because of what happened... I don't know I just feel so alone and lost... -Matthew
Dear Matthew, I am so, so, so very sorry to hear about all the pain and suffering you've been put through and continue to be going through. Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. You are not alone. I have been there and it breaks my heart to read your story (I am actually weeping here). I would never wish for this kind of pain to be inflicted upon anyone, perhaps not even those who dish it out themselves. I've been where you are and the first thing I would do is encourage you to seek out a professionally trained therapist. Not because you're crazy or because anything is wrong with you, but because this man has wounded you so deeply that you may need the assistance of a doctor who can help you start healing. I had a girlfriend who treated me in ways similar to what you describe. It also instilled in me a sensitivity to jealousy of men that I'm working on processing as well. But now, said girlfriend is cheating on the guys she cheated on me with. I don't envy them. I sure as hell don't feel jealous of them. This is going to be a long road, Matthew, I'm not going to lie to you. This kind of pain does not have an easy fix. I am not a professional, but to me it sounds like this guy was a psychopath (a term I don't use lightly, by the way). The kind of instrumental view he had of you that he actually carried out means his "I'm sorry" is completely void. This is known as the idealize-devalue-discard process among survivors. It seems to me like you have been putting him in front of everything you are and everything you need and want. I would encourage you to ask yourself what my therapist asked me: What are your needs? Were they or are they being met? Is it likely that they will be met by this man? I think he has demonstrated quite well that he is at best an extremely cynical, highly abusive person, and at worst a full-blown psychopath. I read in your post what I myself struggled with: A focus on him that won't let go, because you can't really wrap your head around what happened to you. In the meanwhile, I would encourage you to Google "emotional abuse" and "psychological abuse". This is a very real thing and there are plenty of people who have gone through similar experiences—and gradually worked their way towards healing through self-compassion (different from self-pity, by the way). I know how dark and painful this hell is. I wish you all the love and healing in the world, but first and foremost, I wish you the love and healing that comes from within yourself. Look at all you did for him without looking at him for a moment. How would you feel if someone did all of that for you? Wouldn't you be extremely grateful to them? Would you know how to thank them? Wouldn't it make you humble to know that somebody cared for you that much? To me it says you are an extremely beautiful individual with a sensitive and gorgeous soul that has been deeply wronged. I wish you all the best. I am with you in this. You are not alone. Love, PG
Thank you so much for taking the time out and responding to my post. I literally cried when I read it, my eyes are full of tears as I type this now. That is one of the biggest things that bother me so much is that my few friends and family see it as a pity party when they have no idea how dark and how extremely hurt I am from all of this, there is so much I didn't even post that he did to me. It meets me every where I go, I cant escape from it I even have bad dreams about it. Thanks so much for caring, it means so much. :tears:
You are most welcome. If I can support you through this by posting here, I am only glad to. I feel your pain, I literally really do. You can't escape. I know. I know what it's like in this hell hole. I also know that you want to escape, and I understand that you want to. It's OK to want to escape. It's natural. You don't deserve to be in this hell. You absolutely do not. No one who is ever put through the hell that psychopaths create for their target persons ever do deserve it. I would encourage you to read all you can about psychopathy and emotional abuse. I'm sure you're going to have a few eye-openers. Here's the difficult thing: You can't escape. There is no escape. The more you try to escape, the worse it will all get. The only thing that helps is to process your emotions and show yourself the love you need. This takes time to learn, so please be patient with yourself (that's also part of self-compassion). There is no easy way out, but there is a way out, and it goes through all the pain that you're both suffering from and trying to escape. I'm going to ask you to do something that is very difficult: Embrace the pain, but do it by embracing yourself, by embracing your emotions. Talk to yourself about how you feel, write it down if that helps, paint, draw, whatever outlet can help you describe how you feel. Everything, every hurtful memory will need to be processed. Everything. Little by little, you will begin to heal. Try to show yourself the compassion that you would have shown a dear friend if they were going through what you're going through at the moment. I know it's so disappointing and only adds to the pain when people don't understand. They don't understand because they can't. They haven't encountered the darkness that you have. They haven't had their boundaries eroded, their identity messed up, their very armor blown to pieces, or their heart shattered in a way they could never have imagined. They may have fought a million battles that you or I can't relate to, but they have never fought the battles that you're fighting. It's like trying to describe a war zone to someone whose closest experience of war is a fight with waterguns. It might also be the case that after this you may suffer from PTSD. It is completely normal to experience this extreme pain after all that you've been through. What you experienced was extremely painful, and it is only natural for your mind, heart, and body to suffer from extreme pain. If I may (not sure if it's ok to make these kinds of recommendations on this site), I would recommend a book by an author nicknamed Peace (who is also a gay man, btw) called PsychopathFree. It's available on Amazon. There are tons of other books out there as well, but personally I found this particular book to be extremely helpful for validation and starting the healing process. And I'm sure you need validation right now. You need to know that it's OK to feel the way you feel—in all the ways that you do, all the feelings that you have, from the self-contradictory feelings of still loving the person you thought he was, and partly believing he is that person, to hating his guts and despising him for what he put you through; that yes, you have been betrayed in the very core of your being; that yes, it's normal to feel like this guy showed you two different images of himself that are intensely difficult to reconcile: one as super wonderful and the other as super awful. Once again I am so very sorry for your pain. There is a way out of here, but it goes through the pain—not away from it. Love, PG
