unwilling to accept myself

I know this probably doesn't mean much right now, but you are PERFECT the way you are. I know exactly what you are going through. I still haven't been able to fully accept myself. It is a long process, but I know you will get through it in the end.:icon_bigg

 

I can completely understand how you feel.
I really really so badly want to be able to just say I'm female and that be the end of it, but I can't because I just know it's wrong for me.
It can be a long process to fully accept yourself, but just know you're not alone in feeling this way.(*hug*)

 

I also understand that feeling. For a long time I didn't want to accept being trans. I went through a ton of sexuality identities trying to find one that would take away my transgender feelings. I then tried to say that I was just a masculine non-binary person who did not want to change themselves. With time, I realized that I was lying to myself. It is a process that takes time. So, I would try to not be to hard on yourself.

 

Long before I knew I was trans, when I was just starting to accept myself as a lesbian, I had those same thoughts. I told myself that it was completely 100% okay for other people to be gay, but not me. For other people it was fine, but for me it was weird and wrong and it couldn't possibly be true. Other people could be gay, but I wasn't. I was straight. It was just the way things were and the way they would always be.

I told myself that, but it made me feel awful because I knew it wasn't true. I knew I liked girls, and I couldn't change that. The only thing I could do was try to convince myself that it was okay for me to be gay, and it wasn't only okay for other people. What helped me was to find people I could look up to and I respected who were gay and would talk about it. I ended up getting really into Tegan and Sara (I was basically a giant lesbian stereotype for a while ) and would watch videos of them talking about being gay, and would remind myself that if they could be that open and that proud, then it must be okay for me too. Maybe something similar would help you too. If you could find a trans guy online or in real life or wherever that you can look up to, it can feel really good to have someone who's clearly proud of who they are and who is pretty happy and successful and can serve as a reminder that being trans is okay, and that you can have a really good future ahead of you, even if being trans adds some extra challenges.

 

This is exactly how I feel.

I've tried calling myself genderfluid or bigender or just non-binary and all sorts of other things. But deep down I think I know the truth, I just can't accept it yet, although I'm working on it. The best I can do is talk anonymously about it online. I can't even say it out loud yet, even just to myself.

 

What defines a real man? Are men with growth hormone deficiencies or dwarfism not real men? Are men who are short for no reason at all not real men? Everyone holds themselves to unreasonable standards, but think about it this way: would you ever tell another man who was 5'2" he wasn't a real man, or call him a "weakling midget"? Of course not. If you wouldn't say it to someone else, don't say it to yourself. Being short doesn't make you less of a man. It doesn't mean no one will ever take you seriously.

Really what it comes down to is that this is the body you've got, and you have to make the best of it. I'm 5'2" too. Honestly, it kinda sucks. I'm insecure about my height, I have a lot of the same concerns you do. But this is the body you're stuck with and you can either worry about what other people will think of it or you can learn to feel more confident in it. When it comes to taking people seriously, people care more about confidence than they do about height anyway.

As for knowing for sure about your gender, the quizzes can't tell you and neither can anyone else. There is no one who will ever know what you feel better than you do. It'll take some time, but you'll learn to feel more confident in your identity, or else you'll find a different label that fits better.