1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I've never told this before...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AnotherStranger, Nov 30, 2015.

  1. AnotherStranger

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2015
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Female
    I dont have any question concerning this I just wanted to say it somewhere.
    Now Im open about my doubts about my a/sexuality with some friends and that's cool. But there is something Ive never told anyone and just wanted to say it somewhere. And here, it just feel right.

    When I was a kid, I though I was a boy. Sometimes I though that they had cut my penis off at birth. Other times I just though it would eventually grow up. I once asked my parents if I was going to have a beard. As a kid, I remember in carnival they were painting the faces of the kids and I said I wanted a moustache and they painted me cat's whiskers and I was terribly sad afterwards, like, thats not what I wanted. I loved playing football, I always dressed up as a prince or male character when girls were acting like princesses etc.

    This is what ashames me the most: I dont know if it was sex drive or something (this was before my adolescence) but I used to dream all the time (or I think I was awake, juts fantasizing before falling asleep) I was a male, very masculine, super hero saving girls from monsters and when I saved them I would kiss them, like I saw they did in movies, and I remember a super intense feeling of "wanting more" then that I didnt know how to satisfy. I didnt know how to go on with my fantasy because well I was a kid and didnt even know what sex was but im pretty sure it had something to do with it. (when I grew up I totally lost this sex drive in case thats what it was, so wtf. but anyway thats another story)


    And then I grew up and those feelings just fade away. I became super comfortable with my body, I like it, I like my boobs and my curves and my long hair and face. I love it when someone says Im cute or hot (well not that im called hot often but I like it when they do lol). I don't dress very feminine, never wear dresses unless it's for dressing up and the more skin my clothes cover the better, but still I asume those are just sequels. I cant see myself in a male body right now.
    But Im extremely confused about my sexuality so I wonder if it has anything to do.

    Most of my early memories of thinking I was a boy just disappeared until I was in my early twenties, so a couple of years ago. I simply couldnt remember that. I dont know what triggered the memories, tbh. God, I need to see a professional to clarify all this crap... I love this forum and the chance to open myself to people who are not going to be freaked out about all those things in my head.

    And thats it. Thak you :3
     
  2. InfinityonHigh

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2015
    Messages:
    254
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Oregon
    The most important part is what you are now, whether it's gender or sexuality. Also, your sexuality isn't really linked to your gender identity. Although I know that quite a bit of trans people do question their sexuality before questioning their gender identity.

    If you feel that you're comfortable with being perceived as female and having a typical female body then you don't have to do anything. I have to say though, from what you described in your childhood I have a feeling you might not be cis. There are more genders than just male and female, just so you know. Whether not you feel comfortable in your body isn't a definite indicator of your gender identity.

    I question whether those fantasies have anything to do with sex drive. It sounds like you're merely fantasizing about fulfilling the traditionally masculine role and being the "hero". That "wanting more" could be wanting to be able to act out your fantasies in real life.

    If you feel like talking to a professional would help, do it. There's no shame in that.

    I hope this helps.
     
  3. Florestan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2015
    Messages:
    319
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It could be that, for you, gender is more fluid than it is for most people. It's okay if things change once in a while. It may be complicated and confusing to figure it out, but the best thing to do is take your time and be honest with yourself about what you really feel and want. When you say something "triggered the memories," do you mean that you feel like a man now? If so, then it may help to experiment a little, even if that only means dressing a little more androgynously or trying a shorter haircut.