Scared, confused, need advice.

I'm terrified. I haven't felt this way since I was a young teenager and worried I was gay. Until recently, I'd identified as a gay man with no issues or problems. I felt comfortable, it fit. That was after a couple of years of agony, worrying what would happen if I were gay. It wasn't a fear for myself. I wasn't scared of being gay, I was scared of society and what people would think or say or do if I came out and lived as a gay man. But I got over it, and everything seemed fine for years.

But now, that fear is back, and it's not about being gay. I've started to wonder, am I a woman? Again, I'm not scared of being a woman. I'm just scared of what would happen if I were. If I started to live as a woman and people saw me and laughed or said things or beat me to death. I'm 6'2”, and my face isn't very feminine; passing wouldn't be easy.

I guess it all started with the makeup. I don't know why, but I started to put on makeup when I was home alone, and it felt good. Now I've ordered some women's clothing and a wig and breast forms and shoes, and I don't know what's happening to me. At first I said, a few months ago, that it was going to be my Halloween costume. But Halloween has passed and I'm just buying these things for...I don't know why.

I just...now it's like, I want to go out in public as a woman. I want to get my nails done at a nail salon, I want to have my hair styled (though it's very short right now), I want to be a woman, laugh with my girlfriends and just be a woman and have people see me as a woman.

If I could just magically press a button and be a woman, I'd do it. Which would have sounded outrageous to me if I'd said it six months ago. Maybe this is just some weird phase or something, or maybe I'm just a cross-dresser or something...(though I've read up on cross-dressing and it doesn't seem to fit...like, I'd rather be a woman than just a man dressed as a woman). But I can't help feeling like I'd feel so good if I were a woman. Like things would make more sense. Like life would be more...like I'd be living.

Even when I was a child, I played dress up with my mom's clothes and shoes and would often, during my games of “pretend”, act as though I were a woman. Even now, I sometimes have sexual fantasies that I am a woman, being made love to by a man. It honestly feels more natural to me than fantasizing about being a gay man with another man. Sure, I've been with other men, but it always felt kind of weird and “off”. Like, I'd have more fun with it if I were a woman.

I'm just scared and confused. I don't know. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and it will all have passed and I won't be afraid and I'll think why on earth was I thinking I was a woman?

I've never identified much with men. Even other gay men. My favorite fictional characters have always been women – strong women, feminine women, women I'd love to be. I've never been able to read many books or watch many shows that had an exclusively male point of view. I've never gotten into them. But give me a tv show or book with strong female leads and I'm all over that.

But it's scary, and I'm terrified I might be a woman. For all the trouble and hardship it would cause. For all the danger I'd be in. For the heartache and difficulty I'd have to endure. I don't know. It's all so confusing.

I even started to think about what my name would be, were I a woman. I know my parents had planned to name me Megan, had I been born a girl, but I don't like that name. I kind of like Trixie...I know, it sounds stupid, but. Maybe Beatrix, and Trixie for short. I don't even know what's going on in my head anymore.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling now and I feel foolish. I don't even know what's happening. This has all just been so confusing for me. I thought I was a gay man. It seemed to fit. If you're really trans, isn't it supposed to be something you've felt or known for a while? Aren't you supposed to have been “uncomfortable with your body” for a long time? I wasn't uncomfortable in my body. I still am not sure if I am, I just feel like it'd be better if I were a woman, like it would feel more natural and like me. Not that I hate my body now, just like I'd like it better if I were a woman. I don't know. It's confusing.

Thank you all for listening to my rant. I just need someone to talk to. Someone to listen and help me.