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Cis female, questioning my gender and it's killing me.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by wtfisgenderman, Dec 5, 2015.

  1. wtfisgenderman

    Regular Member

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    Hi, I'm Laura. I'm cis female, and bisexual. But I've been questioning my gender identity. I've kind of swayed between being feminine and masculine in the past. I'm quite interested in makeup but recently I've been to scared to wear any. I've been questioning my gender and it's really scaring me, because I honestly have no clue what I want. Recently I've been uncomfortable with my body, especially breasts. I don't think that I want a male body, just a less feminine body. I don't like being seen as a very feminine person. I have a more masculine personality, my friends are guys, and for that reason, I sometimes feel like I don't really fit in because I'm a woman. Sometimes I feel like I'd be more comfortable with my guy friends if I myself was a guy, I feel slightly excluded. I guess I'm just terrified of being trans. I've tested out sentences on myself like "I am a man, I am male, I am (sister)'s younger brother" and also practicing male pronouns on myself, but I don't think any of it brings any kind of clarity or comfortableness - if anything, more anxiety. Since I've been questioning, female pronouns have felt a little uncomfortable. I've never been TOO feminine, but I did enjoy girly things as a kid, I've always been a bit of a tomboy, but at the same time I would enjoy things like makeup and being pretty etc. Before all this gender stuff, I used to wish I had a more feminine body, bigger boobs etc. Recently with the questioning I've held off from makeup or anything overly feminine. I'm just scared. I really don't want to be trans (FtM), but I'm terrified that it's the only way I'll be comfortable with myself. But I don't think that's very true. I feel like if I was meant to be trans/wanted to be trans, I would have at least an inkling of "this is what I want". I would rather just be comfortable with myself as is, rather than transition. Sorry, this whole post has been a mess. I guess a main issue right now is just being uncomfortable with my body - I don't like looking in mirrors recently, I just don't really like my breasts and I wish they were smaller. But once again, I don't think I want a male body, just a less feminine body. Anyway. I don't know who or what I am and it's killing me. I'm serious. It's making me really suicidal. I just want to be comfortable with myself. I also tried binding and dressing up as a guy in my own time and it didn't bring any kind of clarity either.
     
  2. denouement

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Hey Laura. (Sorry in advance for the super long post!)

    I say, if you're interested, go for it! Makeup is neat. Personally I think eyeliner and nail polish is really pretty on anyone :love:
    If you're worried about being seen as more feminine because of it, you could possibly just wear light makeup (such as 'nude' or 'natural' styles), or stick to wearing it around the house for the moment.
    I've also seen some tutorials for how to use makeup to make yourself look more masculine-- so it really doesn't have to be a feminine thing.

    I think this is a common feeling for anyone who is friends in an opposite-gender group. I felt this way around girls for quite a while, even figured if I looked more feminine it might help me feel more accepted (although, for me it didn't). I also sometimes feel like this around my guy friends, because even if they accept me as male, there are some shared experiences and so on among them that I just don't have.
    I don't know what kind of relationship you guys have, but could you bring it up with them? You don't have to talk about the gender part. Maybe just say you've felt a little left out, and then offer to go do something together that you all enjoy. That way you could get a little more 'guy time', without bringing the gender thing into it :icon_wink

    When I was trying this sort of stuff out, it was very uncomfortable at first. Partially because I simply wasn't used to the sound of it, and partially because I really enjoyed it... which was super scary, because I felt like I was confirming my suspicions!
    However, it sounds like using male pronouns and trying to look more masculine, doesn't really appeal to you or at least isn't giving you a sense of feeling better.

    Have you considered trying out neutral pronouns (like "they/them")? You mentioned female pronouns are also kind of uncomfortable, so that might be something to look into. Instead of binding to give the appearance of a 'flat' chest, you could also try just wearing a sports bra, or binding loosely to give the appearance of a smaller chest. And you could try going for a more androgynous appearance instead of a masculine one. I don't know if that would help you at all, but, it's something you could try since it seems looking masculine isn't helping.
    There are also other ways to make a female body look more masculine besides transitioning... such as working out. If you're saying 'no thanks!', I agree, every part of my lazy self recoils at the idea. But it's true that working out can help reduce some of those feminine curves and so on, so, it could be something to consider.

    I know questioning your gender can be scary and tough. Hang in there! (*hug*)
     
  3. darkcomesoon

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    If you were on an island all alone, with no one to look at your body and see it as feminine, would you still want to change it? Are you uncomfortable with it because it feels like it's supposed to be different or because it's seen as feminine and you don't like that?

    If you could hang out with your guy friends as a woman and not be excluded at all, would that be enough?

    Figuring out gender is hard. Trying stuff out doesn't always bring instant clarity. It'll take time and patience. If you do decide you really want a more androgynous body, you're certainly not the only one. Lots of nonbinary people (and some people who ID as trans guys) have dysphoria that makes them want a neutral body.