I made a thread yesterday about the same thing, but I'll ask a more direct question in this one. I am a 15 year old cis female, and I've been questioning my gender. I am terrified that I am trans and I just don't know it. A lot of things point to me not being trans, but there's a couple things that make me wonder. Firstly, this is something that makes me unbearably anxious. I hate it and I need to sort it out. I'll list my reasons for why I do and don't think I'm trans. WHY I THINK I'M TRANS: Recently I've been quite uncomfortable with my body - I wish it was less feminine. I wish I had a smaller chest. This discomfort is to the point where I avoid looking at myself in the mirror and I avoid showering. I've been avoiding leaving the house too. I feel kind of excluded from my male friend groups because I am a woman. I don't want to be seen as weak or inferior (I think this is internalised misogyny though) Sometimes, I wish I was a guy - a lot moreso recently. However, if I could be born again and choose my gender, I'm honestly not sure which one I would choose. Once again, recently, I've really started hating my body. I don't even like looking down and seeing my breasts. I sometimes have moments where I wish I was seen as a guy, but these don't last very long. Especially during all of this questioning, being referred to as 'she' or a girl makes me just a little bit uncomfortable. I never used to have an issue with this until recently. I have some moments where I don't want to be seen as a woman. During questioning, wearing making or feminine clothes have made me anxious. Before the questioning, I didn't really have an issue with it. WHY I DON'T THINK I'M TRANS: I don't think I feel like a man inside. Sometimes I wish I was a guy, but I don't think I have a strong feeling that I am a guy inside. Although I dislike my feminine body, the idea of having a male body doesn't really appeal to me. It feels a little bit more comfortable to say (to myself) "I am a woman" rather than "I am a man". When I say "I am a man", I don't think it really fits. I have practiced male pronouns to myself like mentally referring to myself as (sister)'s younger brother. It feels intriguing, but it doesn't really feel right. Transitioning isn't something that appeals to me. I have considered it in the past, but I don't think it would make me any happier and in fact, it's something that I dread. However, I'm terrified that it WILL make me happier and I just don't know it. I've tried binding/dressing as masculine as possible in my own time and it didn't really bring any kind of clarity or make me feel any more comfortable. In fact, it was a little uncomfortable. However, I might be interested in wearing sports bras in the future to flatten my breasts. I feel like I've been forcing myself to become more comfortable with male pronouns, to try to see if it really does fit me. I have become a little bit more comfortable, but it still feels a bit awkward. If I had two buttons, one would turn me into a male, the other would make me completely comfortable as a female, I think I would choose the button that would make me comfortable with being female. So that's the list. I really don't want to be trans - I would rather just be comfortable with being female. I'm just terrified that it will end up being the only way I can be comfortable with myself. I'm terrified that I'm in some kind of denial, but I've tried to be as honest as I can. I'm not really sure why I've been so uncomfortable with my body and being feminine recently (it really only started when I started questioning) - I've never been an overly girly girl (though at some points in my life I have been very feminine), I've always kind of considered myself a tomboy. By the way, whenever I've said 'trans' in this thread, I meant FtM. I'm a bit more open to things in the genderqueer category, but I'd still rather just be comfortable with being a female. So anyway, I would really appreciate any input and opinions on what you think I am. Thank you very much.
It's not hard to feel anxious when you're questioning who you are. From all that you've said, I'd take a shot here and say that maybe you're just genderqueer? I'll say this, though; as a transguy... ...these are all experiences I've had, myself. I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror (without a shirt on, at any rate) in years. And being referred to as any female pronouns makes me want to put my fist through a wall. But then I see you say stuff like this... ...and it makes me back off the trans assumption a little bit, because that sounds a little off for a possible transguy. On this subject, not all transpeople do the full transition. If you're referring to having surgical procedures, not everyone does that, or feels comfortable with the idea. That's not a bad thing and it's certainly not necessary. I'll just throw this out there: if you do realize you're a transguy, you don't actually have to dress up hyper-masculine. That does tend to happen, I think. It's odd, being referred to as one gender your entire life than suddenly you're using the other pronouns. It just sounds strange, doesn't it? A lot of transpeople probably would, if only because it would be easier. It's a lot easier to be the gender you were assigned at birth; a lot of us just aren't comfortable with it. Long post, and probably not very helpful, but I would take a guess and say you're probably genderqueer. But I don't know, I can't make that call. Only you can figure that out.
I'm not talking about specifically surgery, rather transitioning to any extent. I don't want to have to identify as a guy to be comfortable with myself.
