Ok, this is me posting in the gender identity forum again. Hello, everyone. I think I'm kind of lost. I went with the androgyne label for a while but am not sure it really is who I am to be honest. The only thing I'm sure about is that I don't feel like a woman. Does it necessarily mean I'm a man?... I have no idea! I was pretty dysphoric when my body started to mature - I couldn't handle my boobs growing and was binding with bandage and remember being totally paralyzed by menstruation. I couldn't make myself to go to the toilet and change my pad so I ended up bleeding through pants many times. I also didn't want to take my shirt off at the doctors because I didn't want anyone to see my chest. To tell you the truth, my mom haven't seen me naked since. I don't remember for how long I was like this but eventually I "accepted" my body, at least I stopped thinking about it. It changed around the time when I felt in love with a girl I met online. I don't remember what was first, if I first started to feel manly or first acknowledged my feelings towards her, but plus minus since that time I started to question myself and think about it almost daily. I started to have dysphoria again but not that often and it's rather mild. I sometimes get upset when I am called a lady or a woman, or when I have a trouble to buy male shoes because my feet are not big enough, things like that. I noticed I deal with it by buying something from the male department because it tends to make me feel better. Sometimes it's not enough though and I have to put my binder on. There are also times when I wish my chest was flat when in public but I don't mind it much when I am alone. I didn't like to be touched there when I had a bf though. I don't mind to be called her or by my feminine name but I'm 38 already so it could be just out of habit. I believe I started questioning myself because of me realizing I want to be with a woman and the fact that in my sexual fantasies I imagine myself to have completely a male body. Also when I watch hetero porn I always watch it from the male perspective (and feel quilty about it); lesbian porn I find rather boring. For unknown reason I cannot identify with lesbians somehow. I try to tell myself they are "my people" but I do not really feel like I belong. Sometimes when I watch FtM transitioning videos on the youtube I feel a little jealous of the guys who "made it" but overall I don't know what I want. I could imagine to live as a guy if it was possible for me to wake up as a one tomorrow but I am not sure I want to go through the whole transition. I'm meeting with a gender therapist again next week so I see where it'll be going. The last time I was diagnosed with a gender identity disorder and kind of freaked out when the doctor told me it could progress into transssexuality. I can see a guy looking back at me when I look into the mirror sometimes but cannot differentiate if he's just a part of me or the whole me.
Ignoring the difficulties of transition and just focusing on the end results (so, if you could wake up fully transitioned tomorrow), what would your body look like ideally? What parts cause you dysphoria and what changes would relieve that dysphoria? How do you want to be seen socially? Do you want people to think you're a guy? Do you want them to read you as completely ambiguous in terms of gender? When you're not sure how you feel, it's often much easier to just look at how you want to be physically and socially and leave it at that. I'm personally not sure if I would count as feeling 100% like a guy, because I really don't know what that means, but I want to be male physically and socially, so I think defining myself as anything else isn't helpful. I think the distinction between gender identity disorder and transsexuality is an odd one to make. GID just means gender dysphoria and transsexuality means having gender dysphoria and desiring physical transition (though it's not a word to be used for all physically transitioning people, given its negative connotations and (I believe) its use in porn/fetish contexts). So all that's really being said is that gender dysphoria can lead to physical transition, which doesn't seem surprising or new. Given what you've said, my opinion is that it's definitely possible that you're a trans guy. Still, you should definitely think about how you want to be physically and socially, instead of just whether or not you feel completely like a guy, because that can help to simplify the issue when you're unsure.
You are the only person that can truly tell what your gender identity is, and keep that in mind, but I do think it is quite probable that you are a trans man. I agree with the "would you want to magically wake up one day and be ___?" The honest answer to that would be what you want to work towards. Correct me if I'm wrong, but gender dysphoria (gender identity disorder is an outdated term from the DSM-IV, gender dysphoria is the updated one from the DSM-5) is more or less the same thing as transsexuality. I'm confused by why your doctor would say one could progress to the other. The only recognized treatment for gender dysphoria is physical/social (usually both) transitioning. It's not something that'll ever go away on its own. The intensity of the dysphoria fluctuates but it never disappears. I assume that since you went to a gender therapist you are quite sure that you are trans. The question of whether not you ID as 100% male depends on how you see yourself and how you want everyone else to see you.
Thanks guys for your replies and sorry, that was really poorly written. The trans related classification here where I live includes F 64.0 - Transsexualism and F 64.8 - Other Gender Identity Disorders. So far I was diagnosed with the latter. The doctor said it was possible for me to be diagnosed F 64.0 in the future. I wouldn't be surprised if what he said is outdated though because about homosexuality they recommended me a book that was published in 1992. :eek: To answer your question, I'd rather be a male physically but I'm not sure how I'd want to be socially. Probably as neither gender?
Ok, I googled F 64.0 and I couldn't find a single result in English. I don't really know what standard of diagnosis your doctor is using unfortunately, someone from your area might be able to give better information on this. It's possible that you are non-binary. The most important part is: how do you see yourself?
It is entirely possible to be physically male but use gender neutral pronouns and language. You would be welcome to call yourself a trans guy or adopt a nonbinary label that felt like it fit you. I can't really judge whether or not its outdated seeing as I can't find any information on those diagnoses (though the 1992 book about homosexuality certainly does sounds sketchy).
I think I struggle between wanting a male body and not being sure I want to be male socially. The problem is that I cannot get my hands on hormones and stuff without transitioning socially as well because the trans law is pretty strict here in the Czech Republic; one must even undergo sterilization unlike from e.g. Sweden. The good thing though is that it's all covered by health insurance. What I'm worried about is that maybe I'm just in some kind of a denial about being actually a guy. Since I've joined this forum I noticed many people here who labeled themselves non-binary but who ended up admitting they are trans. There's a mental image in my head where I see myself as Tomas Berdych, the Czech tennis player. It's not we are that alike but I just see myself as that type of a guy. I don't know if it means just appearance-wise or it goes deeper. There's some kind of a void, an emptiness in me that makes me not being able to enjoy my life fully. It feels like there's glass between me and the other people. I also have a very bad memory. I forget majority of what happened in my life which makes me feel that maybe my life is not worth remembering. Sometimes I think it's possible I don't remember because I don't live my life as truly me. I wish to know. :icon_sad: Here's about the classification>http://www.cakeworld.info/transsexualism/medical-classification
Non-binary DOES fall under the trans umbrella. Trans is anyone whose gender identity does not 100% align with their assigned gender. I really don't know if I have anything to add to the part of whether you identify as fully male or you're non-binary of some sort. The thing is, when I first started figuring out my gender, I was hesitant with the social transition part, but as time went on I started to feel more "yeah ok, that's what I want". I read the link you posted. I can't believe they're using a guide from two decades ago. It's almost the end of 2015 and they're still using that? I can't believe it. Reading it one thought that persisted in my mind was that the whole "transvestic fetish" was someone in denial of being trans.
You sound trans to me from what you wrote. I had also many doubts about the social part, knowing there is valuable lessons that cis males had while growing up, and the fact that we lack those lessons could make the transition way harder. To me there was this question about how males would react to me when presenting as one of them. I always felt very comfortable among men, but that could change if I was presenting as man... Or maybe not, but it was also something to think about, since I prefer to be among men anyways. I had also to wonder about the impact of losing the female privilege : Now it's easy to get away with a lot of things only by smiling and giving some high pitched sing-song bullshit, or just by acting one stereotypical way now and then... But this (which was used by my fears as a shield from reality) ended up having some nasty side effects like suicidal ideation and the rest : Just the idea of growing old like this, being forced to be taken for somebody else, that was enough to give me suicidal thoughts. And last but not least you've got also to face the reality that people tend to trust women more than men, which can open many doors that otherwise would be closed for somebody on my circumstances (not being rich, famous and the long rest). Still I know for a fact I've had enough from lies, and the more I change my life, the happier I am. Also I know that dysphoria is not the kind of thing that can be conquered through brainwash, just like there is no cure for any 'wrong' sexual orientation : You are who you are. I know physical and social dysphoria won't go away unless I transition, and that was for me the turning point. I'm aware now I do need the surgeries to stop being miserable. What comes next... I don't really know. I don't expect nirvana, you know, but at least to end things that have prevented me from reaching my full potential. Also would be nice to face a mirror and be able to see myself again after +20 years of facing a complete stranger. If you don't trust that therapist, just go to somebody else. I'm searching myself as well, and I know it's not easy : The 'bad ones', they'll see you right away. The right ones will have a waiting list of months. I do have my diagnosis already, that was the easy part, now I'm trying to find somebody I can fully trust with the whole process, someone who won't try to change or invalidate me, or playing any kind of mindgames, and this has been so far a real struggle...
@InfinityonHigh Thank you for your explanation. I thought that trans includes only FtM and MtF, which is both binary. It's probably because the gender related vocabulary is still very limited here. I shouldn't be surprised much considering what you said - that they are using a guide from two decades ago. It's kind of sad but on the other hand still better than nothing. @Michael Thank you, I get what you mean and it makes sense. I think it may prevent me from admitting I'm a guy because I view men as someone who're strong, who support family financially, etc. while I've been jobless for a long time and have very low self-esteem. The expectations and limitations on me as a "woman" makes me upset sometimes though. Like my ex wasn't happy when he realized I took a night bus to Austria and was all alone at 4am in Wien and all that just because I'm a woman. :dry:
I totally feel for you and wish I had answers. Personally I don't know what to call myself anymore. I want a female body. I fantasize about it, I see myself in a female body when I close my eyes and love the rare occasion someone calls me "girl" even though I know it's just how gay guys talk. but I often don't feel like I'm any more of a woman than I am a man. It's also hard to say how much those feelings come from self-doubt, other people treating me as male and still having male hormones. All we can do is keep going, keep trying to make our outside look like we feel inside and rest assured in the knowledge that not knowing what label fits us just means we are too good for the labels others have invented.
