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My boyfriend is transgender. I need some advice.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by HollyK, Dec 9, 2015.

  1. HollyK

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    I mostly just want some advice and to talk about these things with other people in similar situations. :help:

    My boyfriend is ftm transgender. We started dating two years ago and it's going really well. We had known each other for two years before that. Four months into our relationship he told me that he's trans; I was totally okay with it. Not very many people know that he's trans so he always goes by female pronouns in public. I'm so proud of him lately because he's been telling more and more people and I know it scares him.

    I've noticed that it's getting harder and harder for him to deal with. It's why he has started telling more people. Before fairly recently he had mostly just been struggling to accept himself for who he is. But now that he has accepted himself I find that he's becoming more restless. He wants to just transition but he knows that it wouldn't be a good idea until he moves out of his mom's house next year. There are already some issues with her 'daughter' going through a 'phase' and dating me. He's so scared that he's going to lose his whole family when he comes out and transitions and sadly I'm not so sure he's wrong.

    One of the things that has really been pressing on my mind lately happened a few weeks ago. We were having sex and he was feeling so dysphoric that day that he couldn't enjoy it at all, so we stopped. Then he just kept telling me how it felt so wrong and how much he wishes he wasn't trans. So I just hugged him and stroked his hair. Then he just broke down. This man has only cried in front of me about 4 times (a lot of these involved death). So I just kept holding him and I started to tear up but I made sure he didn't see that. He was crying and then he fell asleep and I was still holding him. I just laid there looking at him, cuddling him. Then I started to cry (not very heavily, just more than a little tearing up). It is so hard to see how much pain he's in.

    I try to do everything I can think of to make him feel more comfortable with himself. I make sure not to misgender him in private. I use descriptive words he prefers (I think beautiful can/should be gender neutral but he doesn't like it so I just call him handsome). I avoid touching areas he doesn't feel comfortable with unless he initiates it and I follow other general, physical preferences that him and I have discussed. I'm actually getting him his very first binder for Christmas :slight_smile:. He's told me that when we're alone and he's relaxed he just completely forgets that he was not assigned male at birth. But then his mom comes home and calls his birth name or he sees a mirror and he's snapped back.

    I hate that he's in so much pain. I can't say I hate seeing him in pain because I'd rather be there to hold him and love him than make him battle everything alone. I just wish everything could just get better.

    Okay. So I got all of that off my chest (which was helpful in itself). If anybody has any advice, comments, or questions please just add them. If anybody has any similar experiences to me or him I would love to talk.

    ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2015 at 06:18 AM ----------

    Sorry for such a long post lol
     
  2. CJliving

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    Time is just really gonna be the main factor. It seems like you're already doing everything you can (btw you're awesome). Just keep being there and supporting him, unfortunately that's the only thing I think you can do.
     
  3. darkcomesoon

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    It sounds like you're a pretty amazing girlfriend. You're being very supportive of him, and that's really all you can do. He's at a really difficult point in his life, and of course seeing him go through this is hard for you too. All you can do is keep being there for him and being as supportive as you have been so far.

    If the area you live in has a support groups for friends/family of trans people, that could be helpful for you. Being able to talk with people who are in the same position as you can be very reassuring.
     
  4. Mila

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    Hey HollyK!

    Sorry to hear about what your boyfriend is going through, but there is something you should know. If you continue to be this awesome girlfriend that you are right now, you two will be very happy and will get out of this rut.

    Keep your support up, continue being close to him, continue talking... Give it some time, you both of you will be in a very good place. Stay positive, you are doing everything right!

    Take care!
    Mila
     
  5. TraceElement

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    Keep doing what you are doing. You are awesome.
    I'm pre-everything ftm, and can relate to your boyfriends situation. If he seems a little upset, just give him a hug. Let him know that you are there for him.
    When my dysphoria gets really bad, I just want a hug or for someone to say that its going to be ok.
     
  6. Michael

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    You try to get him out of that house as soon as you can, you know. There are some mothers that are capable of incredibly mean things, and from what you told us I suspect she might belong to the jolly club. Fathers seem to be more supportive, or at least tolerant. You get him as many allies as you can, even if you are beyond any doubt his best one.

    I've seen more men crying and breaking down as women. Crying is part of being human, nothing more, nothing less and nothing else.

    It's going to be a roller coaster, and there will be many ups and downs. For me sex is very triggering, and living a double life is killing me. As you've said, he is just relaxed and suddenly the nightmare starts again, and it feels like hell, as if you were an actor and had to go out there again and be somebody else for an audience, trapped inside of a bad play you never wanted to be a part of. You can try and call his name then, just for a moment, he'll be back and aware of what is really going on.

    There is something I want you to know, and to keep in mind : You are young, you are in love and you've got the rest of your lives to live, love and be free. It's your time now, so go for it and use it.
    I wasted many years, and did many things, and I wish I could turn back the clock and get my life back, but those years are now just memories, and soon they'll be dust.

    Keep strong, and remember this place exists, and when you need advice, or simply to feel safe, feel free to come and tell us what is going on. I remember when I started, even if I'm an adult it was at times way too intense. Just be there for him, and get him out of that place asap, he'll feel much better.
     
  7. mere0324

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    I can relate as well, my husband is FTM and came out to his family after our wedding. When we met he was living as a lesbian woman and did for our first few years together before coming out to me. I think you are doing everything right too, like others said. He will struggle, but having your support and you as a safe place to come back to will mean so much. I did the same as you, just tried to listen, validate and support him. I got him a binder for Christmas too :slight_smile: and I think things like that are really valuable; getting him the supplies he may need to feel more true to himself and showing that level of support. Those gestures, small comments/compliments, using the pronouns he prefers - it all shows him that you accept and love him for who he is and that even when the rest of the world seems harsh there are those that will be there for him and understand him. I also think finding others like him to connect with or support people who accept him will help build his confidence. Is there a local PFLAG or something like that near you? Have you looked at the many youtube video series people have made about transitioning FTM? Dade (electricdade) and Tiffany are one of my favorite couples to watch, they gave us a lot of hope.
     
  8. HollyK

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    Thank you to everyone for the advice and support :slight_smile:

    We do currently go to a LGBT+ group. He's not out to the people there yet but I can tell he's so close to telling them. We do have a good friend that is ftm transgender and we are also good friends with his girlfriend. Our friend is completely out since before we met him and he gives my boyfriend some hope. Though we all don't have the time to see each other or talk to each other much.

    ---------- Post added 10th Dec 2015 at 01:50 AM ----------

    Thank you.

    You're pretty perceptive from what I can tell. His mother is pretty mean to him already. There is a lot going on with that situation.... Unfortunately his father passed away a few years ago. He doesn't really have any good allies in his family, only outside of it.

    I didn't think to try to just say his name again if he is suddenly brought back to the reality that he is trans and not out. Thinking about that suggestion, I could see it acting kind of like a shock absorber so that the change is less abrupt. I think I'll try that next time.

    Thanks for the general life advice as well.

    Best wishes,
    Holly
     
  9. HollyK

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    I'm happy to hear from someone that can relate to me :slight_smile:
    It's nice to hear that we've handled things similarly and that yours and your husbands lives are going well. It means a lot that you commented.
    We do go to an LGBT+ group but he just hasn't come out yet. It's a new step for him to come out to a group of people instead of privately. I started checking out Dade and Tiffany. I really like what I've seen so far. Thanks for the reply.

    Best wishes,
    Holly