I'm currently known by my last name (as a gender neutral nickname) and people use they/them pronouns for me. I want to start using he/him pronouns and having people call me Jesse, but I'm not sure how to get this to happen. There are a couple issues that make it not 100% simple. First, I'm absolutely terrified of coming out and that sort of thing. Having to actually have those conversations makes me insanely anxious. I would absolutely hate having to sit my friends down and tell them I'm actually a guy, but I also feel like it would be rude to them if I just started casually using them (I could easily have my girlfriend just start using he/him pronouns until people catch on) without telling them personally. Second, I get really anxious around change, so the sudden change of pronouns would make me really uncomfortable at first, even though it would ultimately be better. What would be best for me would be if people could use he/him pronouns sometimes and they/them pronouns sometimes until I get used to it so it's a more gradual change, but that doesn't seem like a feasible request because it would be a lot harder for them. Is there anyway I could make the transition more gradual without having to ask people to switch back and forth? The name won't be as much of an issue because I'm perfectly happy to have people keep calling me by my nickname too, so I feel like it will be more natural for people to sometimes call me my name and sometimes my nickname than it would be for them to switch pronouns frequently. So how do I do this? How do I start asking people to use my name and pronouns when I'm so scared of having those conversations? Is there any way I can do it without having proper conversations but without being disrespectful to good friends who might feel like they deserved a proper coming out? And what do I do about the issue of sudden change making me anxious?
Dark, I have only a little experience with this, but as someone who has been that friend I can give you what I know. I had a female friend that wanted to have us call her male pronouns and use a different name for her. The new name was similar, but more masculine, of course. The honest truth is there's not really a 'casual' way to introduce this. I'd suggest doing what I did about coming out however; tell a couple or even one at the time. Don't make it a big group thing, unless you're comfortable with that. Your true friends will be understanding. Believe me, I knew my friends and family would take it rough since I never 'acted' gay. I was even married with a kid. But it all turned out better than I could have hoped. Just have faith in them, and yourself! About your name, one thing I can advise for certain is to just ease into it. Don't expect everyone to immediately take to it. The friend I had started to get mad when one of us slipped up and used female pronouns or used their former name. It wore on us more than anything else. Just be easy going and let it happen. They'll come around. :3 You've always got support here as well. There are good people here, including me, that are more than happy to listen and be a friend.
How did you get people to start using they/them in the first place? Well I guest those people would be the easiest to start because they would try to use he/him but sometimes forget, so that would be sort of like the switch you are looking for. What you said about your girlfriend sounds like a good idea. About the people who deserve a proper coming out you can take it as slow as you want, they may deserve to know but you deserve to not feel pressured into doing anything. I guess you could do it gradually person by person or group by group?
Thanks for the advice so far Just to clarify: I go to a liberal college, so we did pronouns and stuff in our very first introductions, so I made it clear right off the bat that I used they/them pronouns. It was easy to do and didn't require any real conversations. When people would slip up, my friends would correct them. My "coming out" with a new name and pronouns isn't that much of a coming out because they already know I'm trans. It's just a matter of letting them know I'm a guy, not neutral, and that's still a stressful conversation for me to have.
Switching pronouns is usually a gradual process for the people around you too. I think that most people will have moments where they don't notice that they use they/them pronouns on occasion when they're trying to use him/his. If you notice that your friends are starting to get the hang of it right off the bat and you're feeling a little uneasy, then maybe bring up your idea of alternating pronouns. I wouldn't worry about asking about that right when you ask them to switch. As for telling them, I agree with the suggestion to tell people one at a time. First, tell a few people, one or two at a time, that you would prefer to tell before other people start using him/his pronouns and your name. Then after a few people know, get your girlfriend to start using your name and pronouns as a sign to other people that it's okay to start using them because everyone you wanted to tell personally knows now.
