Figuring it out... Trans or Crossdresser? DNA or Emotional?

Up until recently (maybe 3 months ago) I considered myself a straight cis guy, without any doubts. However, that changed when I realized that I could be accepted by my father as a transgender woman.

I have been a closeted crossdresser for pretty much all of my life. I've always enjoyed having feminine qualities, which made it easier to feel aroused during crossdressing. The sexual fantasy is that I'm forcefully turned into a woman and made to have sex with men.

Unrelated to my sexual fantasies, I've felt emotionally inhibited for pretty much all of my life...

As I get older, I realize that it will be harder for me to envision myself as female since my body will continue to be less passable, to myself. However, resigning myself to getting older and losing my looks is something everyone must face so I'm not very unique there haha.

When my dad just happened to say he could accept me as a woman, I had a holy shit moment and I needed to actually think if I was actually transgender.

Oh god, I want to be. But I've come to the conclusion that this sexual fantasy is a huge coping mechanism for other emotional issues I'm having. However, it's very frustrating because I can't even name what's causing my issues. It feels like a lack of motivation and low self esteem. Even, if I'm able to accomplish something, like dating a beautiful girlfriend or being liked by my friends, there is the feeling that I just want to hide from everything, and that I'm not good enough. It's safer to be alone and to not have to express myself or show people how I feel. Every accomplishment feels like I had to pretend in order to get it, like it's not who I really am. I feel anxious and brooding most of the time, but I try to hide it. It's just a feeling and it's not tied to any specific thought. It's just there.

Granted, my mother did a good job conditioning me to feel guilty all of the time, even when I've done nothing wrong.

My mom and dad split when I was 6 yrs old and I spent most of my time with my mom until I was old enough to choose to stay with my dad. I think that I just haven't been able to break away from the emotional abuse yet, now that I'm an adult. I'm 29 years old and I haven't even seen my mom for about 3 years.

The last time I saw her, she tried to convince me that my dad had raped me as a child and that I was repressing the memory. I screamed into her face that I was 'tired of the lies.' Then when I calmed down I asked her 'what if I just disappeared and went away forever'. She just told me 'do what you have to do.' Since then, she hasn't tried to make sure I was alright. She sent a handful of text messages that pretended nothing happened, but then stopped contacting me completely.

My dad, on the other hand is good to me and loves me very much. Without him, I may have easily 'gone away forever.'

Thinking I was transgender was a huge emotional lift for me, while it lasted. It tied into fulfilling my sexual fantasy, but also validated the feeling of not knowing who I am. It was hard to make myself accept that this was the truth and that I don't think I'm actual transgender.

I could easily slip back into my old way of holding back and feeling empty, but now that I've tasted a little bit of relief and started talking to my dad more, I want to work through my emotional issues.

Oh, and yes I have started seeing a gender therapist (4 appointments in), but I don't feel like she's challenging me at all. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it and the appointments feel sleepy and not really about me. She just keeps asking about my dad's family and who is related to who, like she's building a family tree. For research? I need to be more direct and make sure I get more out of the appointments, but now I think I've solved my gender issues anyway.

My dad is better to talk to. He's not like most dads, having gone through terrible abuse as a child and actually rising above the abuse. He is stronger and wiser than most and he cares about me. I can trust him more than anyone and he's helped me talked through my feelings. He's challenged me to face things to that I don't want to face. I think I only wanted to talk to a gender therapist in order to get clearance to go on MtF hormone replacement therapy. However, now, I don't think that I will go on HRT. Maybe one day, I'll have an epiphany and realize that I was transgender all along. But before that can happen, I need to work through some issues.

Crossdressing still makes me feel hopeful. I actually started wearing more feminine clothes wherever I go (even work). I don't know if it's really what I want, or if it's just a temporary coping mechanism, like I'm holding onto the last remnants of being transgender. I still like the female clothes more than my old boy clothes. I've never bought boy clothes on my own and I don't like the way they look. I've had the same baggy collection of t-shirts and sweatshirts for years.

Crossdressing is easier since I live in an area that is extremely accepting. I've even showed up to work in makeup without any backlash. Everyone just seems to be ok with it. I want to start wearing dresses, but I'm a little nervous about that. First, I have to go shopping to try out what might look good. I haven't come out as a crossdresser. Yes, the clothes are feminine, but where I work, I could easily pass as 'trendy', so far... but I'm not interested in being trendy, I'm interested in feeling more feminine in some sweet clothes.

I've always liked female clothing better. So, now I think maybe I'm a crossdresser. I know there are a lot of 'straight' men like me who crossdress. I think it looks cool... but it's weird to me because I don't act very feminine and I don't want my mannerisms to clash with my look. But I think I'm going to work through any hangups I have and just do what I like. Besides, I think I need more practice just being me. I think that's been my real emotional problem. I need to get past this mental block of guilt and emptiness, because it's just based on conditioning and not reality.

As far as my sexual fantasies involving sex with men (as a woman)... I'm wondering if maybe I would enjoy it in real life, in my male body. Having sex with either men or women doesn't sound as appealing in my male body because everything is heightened, when I see myself as a woman. But now, I'm very curious as to whether I'm completely straight as I once thought. Probably not.

I know everyone has their own truth to figure out, but I'm wondering if anyone is feeling similar things? I'm just so hesitant and apologetic about who I am. I feel a lot of acceptance, I just need to feel it from myself. That's my main issue. I'm my own worst enemy and I'm finally dealing with that consciously.

Peace, everyone. Be you and rock on