This is probably a stupid question because I'm guessing that I will have to at some point but do you really have to tell your family (including parents) that you're trans? I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them but I'm only fifteen right now, maybe I'll be ready by next year or something like that. I want to wait (if I do come out) until I'm eighteen or whenever I move out. Can they just work it out themselves and leave it or will they ask a bunch of questions? My therapist said that I should come out to them and that I could do it with her in the room so I guess we could have family therapy or something but I just feel really anxious whenever she suggests that because I don't know how they'd react. They might react okay in the room but what about when we go home and the therapist isn't there? We'd have to try and work through stuff on our own...I'm just feeling really pressured to come out I think, most people I know are out to at least one of their parents and I keep telling myself that if I came out I could maybe start HRT earlier or get a binder, things like that. I just don't want people to know that I'm trans because it's a really big secret for me, only four people know. I feel sort of unsafe or exposed when people know which I think is weird but maybe it's not? I keep having dreams where I've told my parents and although they accept me, I still feel strange about coming out to them. I don't know if that's normal or not but I don't like that feeling and I don't want to come out anymore because I always feel super nervous, I was shaking the last time I came out which was in September. Will I definitely, at some point, have to come out to my family?
I can imagine that it'll have to happen sometime, since it might become really hard to keep every non-straight relationship out of your family's knowledge. Besides, it's much easier with your family's support. Personally I've been keeping my orientation a secret from my family for more than two years, since... I dunno, it was cool to keep such a big secret? But recently it's gotten less cool and more pressured. I want to come out now but I have no idea where to begin.
You don't have to if you don't feel ready. I more or less knew by the time I was fifteen, but decided it would be better in my situation to not come out while I'm still at home. Personally, I'll be coming out at some point because I want my parents to be a part of my life, and I'd feel they weren't if I didn't tell them at some point. I have heard of some people who waited until they'd moved out to start HRT and so on, and either stopped talking to their parents, or (for whatever reason) their parents just never said anything even though they'd clearly noticed. So it is possible you could never tell them. I believe most people do, but if you don't want to or don't feel safe doing so, you're certainly not obligated to. Hang in there (*hug*)
Hi Colin. First of all, the choice of whether or not to come out is ALWAYS a personal choice. You never have to and you should never allow others to pressure you into it. That being said, however, it can often be a balancing game of pros and cons. You already mentioned some - perhaps your parents, if they knew you wanted them, could help you get HRT and a binder faster than you will be able to get them without their support. Of course it is possible to get these things on your own (especially if you have/get income of your own), but then you will have the issue of whether you can even see your parents anymore. A binder may or may not be very obvious, depending on how big your chest is in the first place, but HRT for trans guys works FAST. You will not be able to take testosterone for long without your parents (or anyone else in your life) asking what's going on. I'd suggest really thinking hard about the WHY behind your feelings of anxiety. Are you concerned for your safety or that they may cut you off financially or kick you out of the house if they are not supportive? If so, come up with a safety plan to be prepared for the worst. Your therapist and your school counselor should be able to help with this; they should also know community resources that can help. Or maybe you're not worried they're going to react that poorly but just feel like the conversation is too awkward and weird to have? If this is the case, I would suggest writing a coming out letter. This takes a lot of the awkwardness away; it gives you the chance to say EVERYTHING you want to say without risking interruption or getting flustered due to nerves. It also gives your parents the opportunity to read and digest on their own time in private without exposing you to initial reactions that may come off as more hurtful than they intend. Or maybe it's something else entirely! I'd be happy to chat at anytime if you think bouncing ideas off an older trans guy who doesn't know you from Adam IRL would help!
I've had similar thoughts, Colin. And as others have stated - the decision is personal. Here is a video describing, essentially, what you're talking about. Let me know if it plays for you. Since I cannot tell you how to feel about your own coming out - I'll tell you what I've thought through myself... Basically I've come to a point where I feel obligated to tell my parents and other significant family/acquaintances. A pivotal part of my personality is rooted in completionism, perfectionism, finality, and a solid, unwavering black/white truth/untruth approach. So in order for me to gain closure, my status as male must be made public and unquestionable. I have to come out for it to be "official" in my mind. And I don't want to "slide into" my transition because that wouldn't fly with my relatives (very conservative, particular folks)... and I also don't want to endure years of squirming under curious scrutiny, avoiding people who don't know yet, dealing with the gossip train, et cetera. Imagine the surprise on Aunt Barbara's face when I show up on her doorstep with a full beard. The "little princess" she'd been told about by all those years would now be a testosterone-fueled, suit-wearing beast. A hypothetical example, of course, but the point stands. I don't want anything about my identity to be a secret anymore. I've skirted about in the shadows for too long and I'm tired of it. With family, also, I don't really want to be disowned or have them misunderstand me perpetually. I'd actually like to have a nice relationship with them. But, that's not possible when they see me as female and I'm falling to pieces inside because they don't know that I'm not what they think I am - male. I want to be the one to open their eyes about the trans community and obliterate their prejudices - they can face me as a transmale or throw me out. I'm not giving them any wishy-washy "I'm your daughter at home and your son in my personal life" shit. Long explanation, but those are a few things I've combed through in my mind about coming out. I just want it to be done, y'know? Again my experience is no means an outline for how I think you should think. There is undoubtedly an equally convincing argument - as in that Youtube video I gave you - supporting the notion of a gradual coming out as opposed to a sudden one. You be the judge of your family, and your identity. Best wishes to you brother.
