Hey everyone, I'm brand new here but this already seems like a nice supportive place, so here goes. I'm 18 and female, and I think I may be transgender. I wear male clothes, as girl stuff makes me feel like a pantomime dame, and for about a year now I have hidden my chest with sports bras. Since a couple of breakdowns after undressing in front of my partner, I have hidden my chest from her too. I prefer male pronouns and it feels great when I pass. At work, it's often pointed out that I'm female (in engineering, this is still somehow remarkable) and it makes me uncomfortable. My confusion comes from the fact that all of this varies. Some days I'm dysphoric and I need my packer and a deep tone of voice to feel ok, but other times I pretty much identify as butch and all of this stuff bothers me only a tiny amount. I've picked out a (fairly androgynous) male name I'd like to switch to before starting in a new workplace next summer, but I'm holding back on making any changes or coming out because the days when I just feel butch make me wonder whether this might just be a phase or some kind of attention-seeking thing. Once I start to come out, I can't take it back, and if I discovered this was just some phase I don't think anyone in my life would be understanding about me reversing the changes. Any input from people of any gender would be much appreciated, I'm interested to know what you make of this and whether this is normal for a trans guys or butch girls. Thanks!
A girl does not enjoy being seen as a guy. Cis people don't try and make themselves ok with their gender assigned at birth. I'd make a pretty sure bet you're trans of some sort. Dysphoria fluctuates, some days it's mild, some days it's terrible. There's always the thing to consider is whether not it's just your dysphoria fluctuating or it's your gender that differs. Some people's gender vary over time. Would you be happy if you were seen as male 100% of the time from now on? Does it feel right to call yourself male? Some things to think about.
There are many different genders, and it can be hard to find the one that you feel completely comfortable in. From what you've said, I think the best thing to do is to keep going how you are going, doing things that make you feel comfortable, even if you aren't sure about what 'label' you fit under. I'd say you are most likely not a butch girl, because cisgender people don't experience dysphoria like that. You could very well be a transgender male, as dysphoria can fluctuate though the days. You could also be a different variation of trans, as there are gender fluid, bigender, agender, demiboys, demigirls, etc.
Each of these replies has made me ask myself new questions and explore my identity a little further. Thanks everyone for helping me work myself out, I'm now pretty sure I'm trans. A lot of my doubts came from my girlfriend's friends, who told me that I was just an attention-seeking cis girl because "trans people are constantly crippled by dysphoria that makes them suicidal, it's an insult to them that you dare to say you might be trans when you don't struggle like they do. Go back to Tumblr." I'm relieved to find that this wasn't even mentioned here, that this isn't how the LGBT community will see me if I come out. It's given me new confidence in what my instincts are telling me, and I may even begin making little changes now.
Don't listen to that perdon, they obviously aren't as educated as they'd like to think. Dysphoria can come in waves and not everyone has crippling dysphoria, I sure don't, but that does 't mean they aren't trans.
I must agree with CadutiMorte on that. It's kinda like any other mental thing, sometimes it's great, sometimes it's mild, other times it's unbearable. But I don't believe it's a constant crippling feeling 24/7 that if you don't change this second you're going to slit your wrists. I'm certainly not dealing with crippling dysphoria on my gender identity ALL day or anything, but I do feel it everyday. Some days are stronger than others, but the point is, dysphoria is way complicated and can't really be summed up so simply. But I know that I want to be seen as a guy more and more now. I'm even trying to make a hair appointment to get all of my long hair chopped off to get a boy haircut, something that a few months ago I would never consider to do. But now I feel that I can't stand having myself so easily seen as a woman anymore. I want to be seen as a man somedays, other times I just want to be seen as neither gender. So yea, don't worry about what they said, its what YOU feel is what really matters. ^^
