I keep having such a hard time figuring out how I feel. I don't know if I am having fluctuating dysphoria, a hard time coming to terms with my identity as androgyne, or somehow even gender fluidity. Ever since relaxing into my gender expression it's almost as if I have been missing the comfort of not being judged negatively for what I wear or even judging myself. The dysphoria gets MUCH worse and I guess I'm scared that the dysphoria getting wrse means I'm doing the wrong thing. As if it means I'm dysphoric about being a girl, even though I KNOW it is just because sometimes I miss not caring, and I'm unhappy that I can't ever just BE the sex I wish I was. But it's hellishly confusing and it feels like a blender just sucked up my brain and I can't stop feeling on the verge of tears. Is this normal? Am I thinking WAY too hard or something?:bang:
My dysphoria got a lot worse after I came out to myself. I think that this was I finally knew what was causing that feeling. For years I had just suppressed or ignored it. After I came out, that was less of an option since I had to work through my feelings. It also takes some time to adjust into the new role that you are assuming, so some of your anxiety could be caused by that as well.
I guess I'm also scared and worried that I'm perhaps assuming some role that I just don't fit. Like I'm scared I just won't be happier this way or that somehow I was wrong. And imagining my body in Any way now just hurts. Was that an issue too? I guess I could be worried about not being accepted. I'm absorbing so much negative talk that I am afraid people will use on me and trying to invalidate myself, number one being that I'm mistaken and that I can be whomever I want. Having girl clothes doesn't make me a girl and whatnot. Or the concept of just identifying as a gender. That's a hard concept to understand after years and years of mental acrobatics to avoid the idea I might just be a girl instead of some misunderstood male feminine person. Identity is hard.
