Transguy rant: too dysphoric to masturbate, dealing with frustration

This ended up being longer than I expected. I'm not sure if I'm really looking for help or suggestions, but moreso thoughts about what I express here, and hopefully somebody out there who gets what I'm talking about....?

I am a very masculine transguy who has been on T for about 6 months now, I am completely socially transitioned and I am incredibly stealth. I know there are many trans people who are "out and proud" about their status as transsexual, but that will never be me. Transsexuality is the bane of my existence. In fact, if I was at all concerned with my own happiness or well-being, I would have killed myself a long time ago. At this point I am only living for a cause that I believe in, one I am hoping to give my life for (perhaps you can guess my political inclinations from my username). I have resigned myself to a life of misery because I believe I can improve the world while I'm here and as a utilitarian, I am willing to suffer for that.

I know that no matter what, no matter how long I'm on hormones, and even after I've had top surgery, hysterectomy, and phalloplasty, I will never be comfortable in my body. I don't like for anyone to even know that I am trans because I loathe the idea of someone else knowing that I have female genitalia (or in the future for when they're gone, that I was born with them).

I know that this is a pretty unpopular opinion in the trans community, but I don't care, I believe that no matter what my body will always be female. Who I am, my identity, what's contained within the somatosensory cortex of my brain, is 100% male. But the anatomy I was cursed with will always be female, that's the cold hard fact of the matter, and I could delude myself into believing that because I am male that my body is too, but that's simply not true, and it would just be a defensive mechanism, it would be denial. I can medicate myself with testosterone as much as I want, and have all the operations I desperately need, but ultimately this does not make my body male; it is masculinizing my female body so that it won't seem as foreign and repulsive to me.

And no, this is not "internalized transphobia", I have nothing but compassion and respect towards my trans brothers and sisters, and if you feel offended by this, understand that I have a different experience with dysphoria than you and different ideas about gender than you: to me, gender identity is not your physical body, your personality, or a social construct, gender identity is what's in your parietal lobe, what your brain's self image of your body is.

What's more, I feel kind of lonely within the trans community (reading what other people post, I mean, this is my first time writing something about it) because it appears that most trans guys don't have this level of dysphoria, or if they do, it's centered around their breasts, and their dysphoria about their genitalia is secondary, or even nonexistent.
But for me, bottom dysphoria is crippling. The only way I can describe existing with a vulva instead of a penis and scrotum between my legs is like a continuous, interminable rape of the soul, something I am forced to live with, that I cannot fucking escape from, and it causes me panic attacks and often the only way for me to find reprieve is to try to force myself to go to sleep to numb the feeling. Of course, when I wake up the same thing starts all over again.

It is a complete corruption and mockery of who I am, and while it may seem radical, in my personal philosophy it is immoral for me to continue existing in this corrupted, fraudulent state - the preferable thing would be for me to discontinue my existence so as to preserve the integrity of who I am - which is a male with a male body. The common characterization of trans people is "man trapped in a woman's body" or vice versa, but I guess for me it'd be more accurate to say I'm a cis guy stuck in a trans guy's body. The only guy I've encountered online who writes about a similar amount of dysphoria was this guy: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/162756-crippling-dysphoria.html
And it makes me think: maybe the reason I find so little trans people with similar thoughts is because those of us who are this extremely dysphoric have all offed ourselves by now (I know I certainly would have if not for my reasons stated above). I wonder if that guy's still around. Dismal thought, I know.

My bottom dysphoria has been present all my life, even before I knew transsexuality was a thing, as a little kid I would have dreams about how my body felt wrong, and after I went through puberty I was majorly fucked up - when I was twelve years old my mind must have temporarily snapped from the stress I was under, because I was somewhat psychotic for a few months, I was extremely withdrawn, had delusional thoughts and even hallucinations here and there - luckily I soon recovered and I am now a very confident, extroverted, painfully rational person. But during that time I actually cut off pieces of my labia with a scissors (this also occurring before I knew I was trans). The point I'm trying to get across is that I'm a guy who's pretty distressed about his junk. Things most people wouldn't even notice, like how your genitals feel when you move your thighs to walk, or when you sit in a chair, or pretty much anything, bug the hell out of me. Packing with an actual prosthetic dick has improved that a lot compared to packing with a rolled-up sock, though.

Now, naturally, testosterone has made me pretty horny. I mean, a male's got 9x the amount of testosterone in his system that a female has, so you can imagine it as my horniness is 9x the level it used to be. And, because of my extensively explained bottom dysphoria, it's practically impossible for me to masturbate with what I have, and the very concept disgusts me just to type it. I don't even want to acknowledge that it exists, let alone touch it, and I'd honestly rather die a painful death than use my body in what I believe is a female way (which to clarify, means using female genitals in any way for masturbation). The result of this is a lot of pent-up sexual frustration.

So, because I am interested to see if anyone has had an experience like this, or to help any trans guys out there who are as horrified at their physical bodies as I am, I thought I'd share something that helped me out. Now, I'm not saying it's okay to break the law (I totally am:icon_wink), but when I smoke weed, I feel like the power of my mind is extremely heightened, and since my mind is in my brain, and my male body is in my brain (the ghost in the machine), when I'm high I can feel my anatomically male, phantom body, rather than my physical female one. When I'm in this state, I can have intense fantasies that I actually somatically feel, just from thinking, I can feel myself having an erection and the blood pulsing in my dick, and this is the only time that I can actually orgasm, and then I feel myself ejaculating. This is the only way that I can get off and I can't get high often but it's incredibly relieving when I do.

I'm not sure if there's any point to the novella I just wrote, maybe I just wanted to see my thoughts/feelings written down.

 

Thank you for your response and your caring words.

Although I have to disagree with you about suicide, I believe there are times when it is in fact justified, such as in my case where it would be to restore my integrity of the self. However, I will never kill myself, no matter how miserable, because another part of my philosophy is that everybody holds a responsibility to the world, and that life should not be lived in pursuit of happiness, but in pursuit of improving the world and helping people. I have no objection to the thought of my death - the part of suicide I am opposed to is the idea of shirking my responsibility and selfishly turning my back on the world (I'm not an Atlas Shrugged kind of guy). Like I said, I'm utilitarian.

The thing about the guys who've already been on T for awhile is they mostly fit what I already described, with little to no bottom dysphoria, and in fact a lot of the ones who do feel bottom dysphoria report that it gradually lessens on T (for me it's increased, but it kind of goes around in cycles of intensity). That's why most trans guys simply get top surgery and never bother with bottom surgery, which is obviously not a viable option in my case.

I manage to get by with getting stoned every once in a while, so I guess I wasn't really looking for advice about masturbation since I don't think I need advice, but I was curious to see if any comparably dysphoric trans guys had a similar experience with smoking marijuana - or if any other trans* people who have used it felt like they were in their phantom body, their "idealized somatotype", rather than their physical body.

 

Glad to know I'm not the only one. :icon_wink

 

Thanks for your response.

I'm sorry about the way you feel about your face. I get what you mean about feeling that it was preventable - I think a lot of us wish that we would've known we were trans when we could still halt puberty. I'm upset that I can't change the skeletal structure of my hips

As a person I think of myself as male and only male, but I just can't think about my body that way. I can see how that would really help people who can think that way, though.

---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2015 at 06:21 PM ----------

Thanks for caring. I have tried before, and sometimes it feels kind of good and other times it ends up being really confusing to me because my eyes are telling me I should be feeling something but of course it's not real skin.

I don't personally have any spiritual views but I take inspiration from Satrean existentialism, and I think that individually we create our own different purposes for living.

They say that smooth seas never made a skilled sailor. As much as I wish none of this had happened to me, if it hadn't, I wouldn't be as strong a person as I am today.

If reincarnation is real, I hope the next time around I get to be a shark. They're my favorite animals.

I wish you good luck with your purpose for life, whatever it may be.

---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2015 at 06:27 PM ----------

That was meant to be two different responses. I'm still new to this thread, ha.

---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2015 at 06:35 PM ----------

I meant site, duh, I posted the thread.

 

So in your philosophy, are transgender individuals people who were reborn mistakenly into the wrong sex? Or were they born transgender for a reason, to teach them a specific lesson about life?

Thank you, I hope your journey is full of learning and growing as well!

 

Yeah see but the problem with that is the pleasure kit touches your clitoris, and I'm beyond uncomfortable with touching my female genitals.

That's why I like the getting high solution, it's hands free.

I guess I wasn't looking for advice about masturbation so much as I was curious to see if anybody had a similar experience, but thanks for caring enough to respond.

 

I get that there are cis people who have non-functioning penises too, and I know that my current genitalia don't make me less of a man, but that knowledge isn't going to change the way I feel about my body. That perspective doesn't really do anything for my dysphoria because I don't feel insecure about whether I'm a "real man" or not, I know I'm just as male as any cis guy, but my body is still wrong.

I will not explore the alternative methods you described because personally I have quite a dominant personality and zero interest in being penetrated in any way, the thought holds no pleasure to me. What I want and what I fantasize about is being the one doing the penetrating, I want to be able to have an erection and to come inside of a woman. I'll only be able to do this after phalloplasty, of course.

---------- Post added 24th Dec 2015 at 09:19 PM ----------

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I understand the feeling of just not being able to stand existing in your body anymore. I don't think there's any way to get rid of that feeling, but in the instances when it's really bad, it's good to try to distract yourself by exercising or doing volunteer work.

This might sound kind of bad at first, but another thing that helped me with that feeling was to give up hope. I realized that I couldn't be happy without a natal male's body, and that surgery and hormones would never bring me to having that kind of body. So I gave up the unrealistic hopes of happiness or comfort and just accepted that I will go through my life always feeling sorrow for the body I could never have. At the same time, I can still find pleasure and joy in life.

Since you're over 18, you can choose to start testosterone without your family's consent. If that's not an option because they're not accepting of you and you still rely on them, remember that eventually you'll get to be on your own and start your medical transition, and be stealth if you choose to. Your situation will improve.

It might seem kind of ghetto, but as a substitute, at least until you can get real testosterone, you could try using steroid creams - I've heard of trans guys who don't have access to T using them, though you should read about the potential health concerns.

I hope your family becomes more understanding of who you really are, and I hope you are met with support in your social transition.

---------- Post added 24th Dec 2015 at 09:20 PM ----------

Again, that was meant to be two replies....