Hi, I'm a 20 year old guy who is really suffering with his gender and even as I write this I feel as though I may be in denial. I would like to speak to genuine trans* people and how they have felt about their gender. I was born in 1995 and until I came out as gay, and then bi, to my parents, I never had a single thought about my gender. Literally didn't even think about it - I just acted to way I wanted to, bought the clothes I wanted to buy, went to a boy's school, felt I belonged to the male sex, always accepted male pronouns as if they were nothing. I have never crossdressed and really never had the desire to. This all changed when I was in a deep depression shortly after coming out to my family (nothing to do with them, they were very supportive. I was just having a hard time accepting my sexuality). Basically, my depression affects me by making me hugely anxious 100% of the time and a feeling of unreality - everywhere I look is black. Back onto the topic, I got onto LGBT forums and became obsessed with trans* people. Suddenly, I questioned my gender - could I be transgender? I'm not the most masculine of boys, but I am certainly straight acting. Puberty was a confusing time for me, as it is for a great majority of people, but I had no problem with getting armpit hair, leg hair, bigger penis and testicles, starting to masturbate, discovering ejaculation and male sexual function, and all the other male changes in that time. The thought has stuck with me and I just want to rip out all the confusion and live my life as the male I have always been! I have been diagnosed as having OCD by a therapist who deals specifically with LGBT issues in London and he has said he is confident, in his professional opinion, that I am a male, and that he has never said that to anyone questioning their gender. I am constantly aware of the gender and gender pronouns of everyone around me, as well as what they are wearing and their sex characteristics. I am aware of the he/ his/ him pronouns by which I am referred to. I have no problem with these, I am just aware of it. My mind tells me that I need to not even think about it, like as if I am in denial about being cisgender! But then my mind steers me back to anxiety and depression about the whole ordeal. I have fully questioned everything. Every time I imagine having a vagina, I feel awful. I could never have that. Whenever I think about breasts I just get confused - I have always wanted to have a flatter chest and never wanted ever the slightest about of tissue there - being actively jealous about other guys. Shortly after the whole thing started I was reading about transgender celebrities such as Kellie Maloney and Caitlyn Jenner and their breast implants/ augmentation and I got a tickly feeling around my nipples which didnt go away until I went on medication that can be used to treat both depression and OCD - sertraline (zoloft for anyone american). I worry that I may have feminine traits - my counsellor decided to tell me that there are no 'feminine' or 'masculine' traits, but only 'human' traits. This hasn't helped. He also asked me if I have ever: 1) Felt female (not once - but then I don't know what feeling female feels like. I have worried that I might) 2) Felt gender neutral (I have never felt gender neutral) 3) Felt male (I have felt male an infinite number of times, endlessly from the time I was born until this whole ordeal started) Whenever I think about hormones, I feel as though the most suitable one for me would be testosterone even though I am a cisgender male as I feel ashamed I cant grow enough facial hair, arm hair and that I have a relatively high voice for a man. But then my OCD mind tells me - are you kidding yourself? Then I tell my mind, the ideas of vocal cord shaving, breast implants, genital reconstruction, long hair, oestrogen therapy and the like are so ridiculous for me as a person (but that doesn't make it any less of a real deal to genuinely transgender people! I am extremely accepting of everyone and am a student doctor. Nothing fazes me!) I am fed up with overthinking everything and just want to be free again to live as I choose. I always wanted more muscles, to be taller etc. I have had a history of OCD like symptoms in the past, becoming The thoughts affect me by saying 'You're in denial,' or 'You're a piece of shit,' 'You're pathetic,' 'I'm a woman (in Kellie Maloney's voice),' followed by, 'I'm a man,' 'I'm male,' and a whole host of other thoughts which really bother me. Can anybody lend an ear on this issue? It's much appreciated.
I doubt you're in denial. Intrusive thoughts are a symptom of OCD, which is the name for the thoughts you're describing. I do suggest that you bring this up to a therapist (I recommend getting one if you don't have one already), it's obviously distressing to you and affecting your well being.
Though no one can tell you what gender you are, I am 99.999% sure you definitely are not trans, it is OCD. I am/have been thorough that questioning everything phase and it feels terrible and it can mess up your perspective really bad, but believe me, give your mind peace, you are not trans. lol This happened to me too, I think it's all in the mind.
Yep - and that's what OCD is apparently. I had an episode of it before where I was obsessed with death for a number of months. I didn't really fight against the thoughts like I have here - so they didn't stick for as long. It is like psychological torture though! I want to be male!
I'd say that the feeling of being female is much like the feeling of being male, except that it is flipped to having a body that always feels TOO hairy or that being called a boy just feels... innaccurate. I have ALWAYS felt like when people call me male it doesn't REALLY describe me. It is like a small slice of my personality. I had to TRY to like "manly" things and I have always carved out my identity where (societally defined) feminine traits and hobbies overlap in masculine ones to survive. If, when you think about being female, you prefer it to how you are, or you feel sad with the way you are as if there is some part of your personality that just DOESN'T FIT, then you should consider the idea of being transgender, but I think this generally sums up MY questions about how it feels to be cis! You have actually solidified my own gender identity by being so obviously comfortable in your own that being distressed actually RE affirms it! ---------- Post added 27th Dec 2015 at 11:21 AM ---------- Although, as counterintuitive as it may SEEM, relaxing and NOT thinking about it and NOT challenging the internal dialogue and just letting it BE is usually the easiest way to figure it all out. When that voice calls you a woman I challenge you to just say "ok" and entertain the idea of BEING a woman. Be inquisitive, open, and with whatever small slivers you can find, do your best to look back and laugh at the anxiety! This is stressful, but if you are a man in a man's body then it's pretty amusing that you are questioning it, right? I don't mean that as if I'm laughing at you but rather that it's endearing and curious. AAAAAAND if you ARE a woman, don't you think you deserve a chance to think about that possibility? Imagine what it might be like to BE born a woman or how it might feel to have breasts and be seen as beautiful and have less hair and wear different clothes and be ACCEPTED like that. Be open to the possibility that if you REALLY think about it might feel GOOD and it's OKAY to be like that and it's ALSO okay to be exactly how you are. You are wonderful. No matter what you feel it's ok and we will always see you for YOU. I know you say that you have already thought about all these things and I believe you have, and I totally believe you ARE cis. However, having dealt with my own flavor of obsessive thinking I see the benefit in just allowing my thoughts to wander and thinking to myself "well, now that's just silly. What if someone ELSE said that? I'd think that that was funny and absurd" when I take it to the lengths of my feared fantasy. I might have made your fear worse and I might have helped. I hope desperately that I can/have help/helped you.
