Surviving next few years closeted?

Welcome to EC (*hug*),

Wow, I'm really, really sorry to hear about that. My parents have been cautiously supportive of me, I can't even imagine how your situation must feel to you.
It might seem impossible now, but one day, you'll get to transition. One day, you'll finally be able to live the way you've always meant to be. And 3 years of waiting, while they may seem insurmountable now, will be worth it in the long run. I can only offer you support throughout this whole thing. Feel free to message me when you get 10 posts.

 

Hey dude I'm in the situation... not parent-wise, though. I had anxiety and depression issues last year as well so I totally feel you.

For me, it's that I'm in a conservative area and it's not really safe to transition here.

As for your mother, I think transferring you to a different school is extreme as hell. You should really sit down and talk to her. First of all, she shouldn't go through your private messages. If you can find an adult relative who you think will accept you then have them talk to her as well.

Also, she can't really stop you, if you think about it. She may be able to prevent you from getting hormones/surgery right now, but really, who is she to stop you from getting a haircut or wearing a binder/masculine clothes? Though it may be tricky, you are capable of getting these things without her knowing. Ideally, you can go out with your friends in female clothes, then once you're out of the house, switch to masculine clothes.

Also, if it makes you feel better, have your friends refer to you with male pronouns when she isn't around.

 

Hey dude I'm in the situation... not parent-wise, though. I had anxiety and depression issues last year as well so I totally feel you.

For me, it's that I'm in a conservative area and it's not really safe to transition here.

As for your mother, I think transferring you to a different school is extreme as hell. You should really sit down and talk to her. First of all, she shouldn't go through your private messages. If you can find an adult relative who you think will accept you then have them talk to her as well.

Also, she can't really stop you, if you think about it. She may be able to prevent you from getting hormones/surgery right now, but really, who is she to stop you from getting a haircut or wearing a binder/masculine clothes? Though it may be tricky, you are capable of getting these things without her knowing. Ideally, you can go out with your friends in female clothes, then once you're out of the house, switch to masculine clothes.

Also, if it makes you feel better, have your friends refer to you with male pronouns when she isn't around.

 

(*hug*)I'm a little older than you, and I've basically been stuck in the mud since middle school. It's miserable in a sense, but it's one of those things you have to take day-by-day and try to push through it. It may be hard, but it's important to focus on the future and keep pushing until your dreams are reality. That's what I do. My sister is a brick wall, and my mom just forgot all about it and pretends my problems don't exist and aren't as extreme as hers (she's a secretary who only moves maybe five times a day, calls bingo, and thinks she's disabled because her legs cramp up). My mom was trying to persist that growing up with a sister and her friends being over all the time influenced me, but no. I would still feel the same regardless of how I grew up. I have to wait until college where most people know full-well that I'm gone when I o off to college and they won't see me again if it comes down to it. But it's important to persist and to keep going. I always think of how great my future will be, and you should too. You should try to be optimistic towards your future. I feel scared, depressed, etcetera, all the time. It's perfectly normal. You are who you are. Nothing can change that. You just need to keep on pushing. As I said to my mom, "It's like a train, you get on while it's at the station. There will not be another one." and if you're mom thinks that changing schools is going to change anything, it won't. Remember Dory "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming" <3 (*hug*)

 

I know three years seem like an incredible long time, but try to fill it with as many happy things as possible. I waited three years before coming out, for entirely different reasons and I just started gathering information about transitioning, so I knew exactly what to do once I turned 18.
Are there any lgbt+ youth groups in your area? Maybe you could go there and just talk to people who accept your identity even if you aren't able to present masculine yet.
I'd advice you to try and speak with your mother. You really shouldn't be scared of her, that's awful. :/ First of all tell her firmly that it's not ok to just read your private messages. If she doesn't agree set up a password for everything, delete your internet history and don't give her a single chance to gain access to anything personal.
Then I'd tell her about your anxiety. I'm sure she wants you to be healthy, so talk to her about it. Try to tell her exactly how to feel and if you can't do it face to face, maybe write a letter? That way it's still personal but you can really think about what you're saying.
Good luck!

 

Oh so sorry to hear that trust me, the three years will be worth it once you can transition happily and peacefully;