I don't really see anything to question about my gender or necessarily even my expressions of it. Maybe this is all just "normal" ways of thinking everyone has, but I'm not sure. Growing up, I had fairly typical male interests and ways of socializing. I didn't really act particularly "feminine" as a child that I can recall nor did I ever feel any "confusion" over my gender or anything. However, also I had these odd moments as a child that I can't really describe. I would just feel sort of feminine in a way that I can't really describe. I didn't feel any dissatisfaction with my body, although sometimes when I would feel that way I'd want to be thinner than I am in real life. There would be these odd moments where I would sort of be imagining myself as a woman as I was talking. Note that I am using the word imagining in a weird sort of way. Like they'll also be times that I will feel like I am something else, such as a superhero or something in a movie as I was talking. It wasn't like this was the only thing that moved through my mind's eye or even a particularly powerful one. It was just one of the numerous things that uncontrollably appear in my mind's eye at random. I never had any dissatisfaction with my body in that kind of way at all, even in these moments. I did continue to notice these moments at times, but it never really affected me much at all. It still doesn't really affect me. Then, along with these feelings came an urge to perform oral sex on other guys...... that would typically go with these feelings. I have to say I am really into that, and I'd gladly do that if I happened to come across someone who was willing that I wanted to do that with. Without going into too much detail, when I think and fantasize about doing that, I tend to think of myself as sort of passive with it. I just find these feelings that I have kind of odd in a way...... not the sexual fantasies I was talking about, because I can clearly understand what that is...... given that I'm bisexual it's pretty much obvious and a given that I would do that/think about doing that. However, what I find puzzling is these "feelings" that I have had. I just don't know what to make of it exactly, but it's been ever present in my life. I just feel like I'd never really be able to explain it to anyone though. That's the problem is that I just don't get how to put into words.
It feels liek you're describing how actors feel. As if you BECOME this person when you imagine being them. I know I have done this, but I think the main question is, is that YOU who is talking, or a role you're playing in a moment of disassociation?
Yeah, that is all true. However, if I sometimes can't really entirely help the "role" I am playing....... and kinda want to do the thing I was talking about, and part of me feels like it kinda doesn't matter if it's a "role" or not. It's impossible for me to differentiate "roles" from what's "me". They all just kinda blend together sometimes, to be honest. I mean, if it's the right time and I feel like doing the act I'm talking about....... would there really be anything wrong with it? The only thing "wrong with" it would be the judgment from closed minded individuals, and it's not like you could easily get aids and stuff from simply doing said act for a friend that lets me. So, the way I look at it is, if I'm into it, I'm into it. It's not like it would harm anybody....... I mean actually whoever it was I did it for would actually enjoy and appreciate it quite a bit What do you think of this way of approaching it?
