The only person in my family I have told about my status as transgender is my eldest brother. I came out to him this past May, very anxiously. He was initially supportive, saying that while he does not know just yet where he stands on LGBT matters, he will always love me. However, our relationship has been tense lately. We weren't ever close in the first place, but I suppose it's only getting worse. The reason being that we just don't get along well due to natural disposition differences. Cut to the chase. I've failed at keeping an open line of communication with him. In the past he's said that while he wants to support me, he can't exactly do that when I'm so withdrawn. I did nothing however with that information. Let's just say I'm not great with people. Now, I feel as if he doesn't take me seriously - like he's decided I'm not a guy after all because I haven't actively been talking about it to him. I don't think he understands how hard it is for me to "talk about it." There are little things that he does and says which imply to me that he doesn't take my gender identity seriously, despite what I told him (and afterward made abundantly clear in a letter). He'll make fun of me for being a "girl" or stereotype me as a female. I usually just roll my eyes and play along, but it's no different when we are alone. We had a short exchange the other day, something about "if you could be a mythical race" and I'd said I wouldn't mind being a dwarf because then I could have an awesome beard. To which he replied, "haha, yeah. No matter the gender." Comments like these and the jests and jabs are discouraging to me. It's difficult finding a place where we can talk, alone - and when he isn't cross with me. I feel largely responsible for this. I am the one who did not communicate, wasn't open, wasn't laid back enough. I was the one who was nervous, reclusive, and apathetic. What was he supposed to do? I cannot expect overwhelming selfless support from him, can I? I just dumped the news on him and basically left him in the dust. Perhaps I'm overreacting but I just feel like I've messed up with ever coming out to him. I'm not sure what to do, but if anyone has any advice I'd be happy to hear it.
Your brother is in denial, there's no doubt about that, and he's deluding himself by trying to force you to think in a certain way. His denial comes from a place of love, thinking that he'll be protecting you in the long run. That's what I think, coming from someone's who's an older brother, anyway. What you have to do is open up to him - there's no other choice. You need to tell him not only that you want to be male, but that you are hurting by being female. Once he sees that you're really struggling and this is something you want, he'll be more able to see you for who you really are. But you have to be strong about this, and don't waver, no matter what he throws at you. It's going to take more than casual retorting to get him to see things correctly. I wish you the best of luck~ (*hug*)
It sounds very similar to the way my brothers have reacted to me coming out to them down to that feeling that they don't really accept me and see it as a phase. I don't believe that you messed up and you aren't responsible for how your brother has reacted. Every person responds differently and it is usually more about them than you. They have to go through a process of acceptance and it can often be hard for them to wrap their mind around the idea that they are feeling a sense of loss because of something that youare going through. That's where denial comes in, it is a way for them to avoid having to cope with the change and with the loss of that part of them that is connected with you being their brother and not their sister. Everytime he ever interacted with you, he saw you in context of your gender and suddenly these memories have become fragmented as the new information changed everything he thought was true. The more a person loves you, the more they feel connected to you and the harder it is for them to see you as someone else from who they thought you were. Nothing that you said or did means anything about how your brother will perceive you in the future. In the end, you don't and can't really know how he would have responded if you acted aggressively about it in the past. For all you know, he might have acted with hostility and hurt you verbally. It's really hard to come out again and again and you should only act when you feel ready to cope with rejection and hurtful words. You are growing as a person and learning to accept yourself better and nect time you talk to him, you will be in a better place to help him understand and hopefully start to go through a process of acceptance. Much hugs and I hope everything works out for the best, (*hug*) Eveline
As I was reading this, some voice on the back of my mind kept saying kick your brother's balls, for that is the natural reaction among brothers, but as you said yourself... You were responsible back then for how you came out to him, however right now you are only responsible for what you'll do, which is to grab the bull by the horns, as you can't let such things just pass... He doesn't have any right to do such jokes, and you have less of a right to allow him, unless you wish to hear more of them, and worse, then by all means just wait, and then you'll see how far things can go... I don't know your brother, so I'll try to sum up what could it be... 1. He is a fool. He didn't understood anything. He hears words from the world, but his brain doesn't quite process them. He just repeats what he thinks it's ok for the moment. This kind of people tend to be what I see is what it is people : They need friendly reminders (hard kicks, hurtful sarcasm will do nicely). They learn slowly, some of them never learn. 2. He desperately wants to talk about it... And maybe he even needs it, maybe he is worried about you, sincerely worried, but he won't come to you saying we need to talk... 3. He is expecting you to prove your manhood in some way. ... Or a combination, perhaps all of them. You need to confront him and clarify the matter. Don't expect things to go smoothly or perfect, or even to reach anything. At the end it's up to your brother what he thinks, still it's up to you to at least stand up for yourself and draw the line. Yes, you are secretive and mysterious... So what? That's who you are, that's how you deal with life, and if your brother wouldn't change his ways, why should you... You can clearly tell him that, he'll realize he needs another approach with you. Let them adapt to you on your own terms, not vice versa, or else one day you'll wake up wondering what the hell is going on with your life. ... And a last thought, and I pray I might be wrong, but it could be that it's number 3, and if your brother is the physical type, then you better grab your Machiavelli, 'cause kicking his balls is probably out of the question... First time I came out I was very lucky : To a stranger in a strange place, over coffee, and more or less drawing a line. It could be good if you try to come out to people that doesn't matter to you that much, so you can build more confidence. There is another thing that helped me a year ago or so, as I was learning to crawl as they say, and that was the famous show, don't tell. You know many men are not ok with feelings and talking about it, but when you show interest in what they call masculine stuff, and just participate, they'll see you and treat you as one of them. The more normal you feel on a daily basis, the more confident you'll grow. Probably your father would be ready. He is after all an adult man, and in my experience they can be very supportive.
Even if you and your brother are not in a good place emotionally, he has no right to use your gender identity as something to joke about or use against you. One of my closest friends has something extremely similar with both of his siblings, and my parents are still in denial about my sexuality. They're all in denial. He's known you for a really long time and has gotten pretty attached to you. The news that you're trans probably shocked him. That being said, how he reacts to the news is in no way your fault. You can't and shouldn't blame yourself for being non-confrontational. It's not who you are. I agree with the previous contributors. If your brother's comments are really getting to you, I would start out by pulling him aside and talking to him about it. I know men aren't really the most emotional creatures, however, if he really cares about you, he'll come around or make a sincere effort to. I would also try doing more masculine things. Men are competitive by nature, and if you show him that this really isn't a phase, there's a good chance he'll accept you for who you are. If these japes still continue, I would consider letting him be. Even if he's family, you don't deserve to be around people who won't accept you and love you for who you are. I'm not saying to cut him out completely, but maybe it would help to go your own separate ways most of the time. However, this is only a last resort is nothing else changes anything. There are still plenty of options out there.
