I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place for this, but I wrote this about being closeted and trans and needed to share it somewhere Sometimes I wonder if we really have any choice in who we are. I’d like to think we do. I try to be who I think I should be – do what I think I should do – say what I think I should say. I feel like I spend all my time and effort crafting the perfect performance, an illusion so completely formed that in it’s cultivation it is actually able to step off of the stage and touch reality. But this projection remains tethered to fantasy by a secret yearning to be an honest yet impossible self. A being that peers through the curtains, briefly breaking character, warping the illusion. Who I am is not who I want to be. I long for the play to be over, to throw away the mask, take a bow, and close the curtain, but more so do I want to forget the actor, open the curtains to the world, and become the role. For the part was written for the audience while the actor should be left on the stage.
Acting to be someone you are not inside or who others want you to be takes a lot of energy and leads to depression most times. Personally, I think there are more trans people around than we think there are. Is it too dangerous to come out? Can you go to trans clubs where you can be yourself? You write beautifully OP. I hope you are able to use your talent. Maybe write a novel or drama? If you could come out, what kind of life would you like to have?
I've hidden from others and myself for all my life. I can't do it anymore. But then again for the first time in my life I'm all alone and can't hide from myself by immersing myself in others.