Hey hey, guess who sucks at figuring out gender identity?

Me! That's right, I seriously suck at introspection and I am seeking your opinion on whether I should transition to male or stick with being an annoyingly feminine butch. I'm a fan of lists, so maybe that'll help.

Reasons for remaining butch female:

- I have mostly been a feminine child. I am interested in traditional feminine things and also masculine things.
- Even though I have severe top dysphoria, I know that butches sometimes experience this as well. I could, instead of getting a diagnosis of gender dysphoria to get top surgery, get a reduction and wear a binder (my boobs are giant and binders right now would be pointless)
- I do have flashes of doubt about being male. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be all sexy in a dress and makeup before realizing that I would be really uncomfortable in that getup.
- I really like being a butch lesbian (I'm actually bisexual, but shh). The community is awesome, and I love being a gay woman. I just don't know if I like being a woman.
- My biggest issue is I don't mind being a woman, I just wish I could look, pass, socialize, and be thought of as a man.
- Sometimes I even want to be a woman, long haired and outdoorsy, like one of those mountain-living hipsters. But I don't think that's me. I hated having long hair and love the convenience and masculinity of short hair.

Reasons for transitioning to a trans man:

- Even though I dressed femininely as a kid, I have never felt as though I lived up to the feminine ideal. I liked traditionally male colours, had a major tomboy phase, and cut my hair short as soon as I was allowed.
- I have always wanted to be one of the guys. If it was a boys v. girls school game, I always wanted to be on the guys' side. Always. I never fit in with the girls until middle school and then I had a nice co-ed and queer group to hang with.
- From an early age, if someone gave me something stereotypically female, I would be pissed. I remember vehemently hating a frilly photo shoot and being mad when being given different coloured objects than men. Medieval times fair came about in fourth grade and I was a knight.
- I hate, hate, hate being called any sort of lady, ma'am, miss, girl, etc. I would prefer male pronouns for everything. It makes me super mad when someone refers to me as "one of the girls", and I always feel weird at get-togethers where the sexes are divided.
- For as long as I can remember, I have been saying things like "I want to be a boy" and "why couldn't I have been born a guy?". I looked up to teenage boys and wanted to be like them. I wanted to dress like them, be able to rough-house, and be a big brother to my sister. It kind of jarred me when puberty hit and I wasn't like one of those guys I had wanted to be.
- Speaking of puberty, screw that. I became more self-conscious than ever, which I realize most everyone goes through. However, I was really uncomfortable in my new role as a "woman". Even though I had been excited at first for my boobs to grow in, as soon as they became noticeable, I cowered.
- Literally, it just makes my day if someone perceives me as male. I will be glowing for weeks. My friend once told me that I would make a terrible guy and I was bummed for days after.
- I have given more thought than I should to researching transition options. I lay awake for almost an entire night from the realization that I would never be happy be seen as a woman.
- Rain Dove, sans the boobs, is my dream self.

Since I am attracted to both men and women, I worry that I am not separating "who I am attracted to" from "who I want to be". I'm more attracted to women than men, but I worry if I transition to male that I wouldn't be able to date more masculine and butch women, who are typically lesbian. Also, I'm okay with being a woman, so long as I look like a man, am seen as a man, and am treated like a man.

So what do you guys think? I have no idea how to get in touch with a gender therapist because I am a minor for months yet, have no credit card, and no car. This gender stuff is really annoying because I'm so stressed about not wanting to be a girl that it's now hard for me to concentrate on school (I have never ever had this problem before). So... advice? Thanks.

 

I am super low maintenance and I suck at traditionally feminine hairstyles. I can do a ponytail, the worst braid you have ever seen in your life, and if I have an hour I can manage a messy bun. Plus, I remember when I came home after cutting my locks for cancer and my sister told me I looked like a boy. I pretended to be mad, but I was quite pleased internally. Hence the short hair.

---------- Post added 30th Dec 2015 at 11:29 PM ----------

Interesting point, and I love the journal idea, but I do know that some trans people don't experience bottom dysphoria. I don't mind my parts as they are, though I'd prefer male genitals. If someone asked me today if I would like a fully functional, fully grown penis, I could hardly turn that down!

My relationship with my chest is like I'd imagine I'd feel if I had a really regrettable face tattoo that someone forced me to get. It's always visible, always there, even if I try to cover it up, and it's a constant reminder of something that isn't me. There have been days where I feel sick just thinking about going about my day with a noticeable bulge in my chest. I try not to think about my boobs as much as possible, because I end up very anxious and distressed when I think about how limited my options for removing them are. I generally love my body, but my boobs were a really unnecessary addition.

 

Hey, Jesse. Thanks for the updated list! I guess when you look at it like that, it's very revealing. Sort of cleared some things up for me.

Since I reach the age of majority in my country in a couple of months, I think it would be worthwhile to find a gender therapist in my region... which means that I'll likely be coming out to people other than my uni's admissions office. That'll be a lark.

Thank you and everyone who has commented on this thread.