So one of the main reasons for coming here was to seek out advice on something that has been troubling me lately. I really don't know my gender identity. Factors in favor of being male: I'm fine with looking at myself in the mirror, including when I'm naked. I don't get depressed over my body being male. I'm perfectly alright with my genitals the way they are and "enjoy myself" fairly often. My interests have generally been masculine or at least neutral, although I have very little interest in sports. Most fictional characters I identify with are male, although they're on the androgynous side. I did not crossdress very often as a child, though I have been recently. Factors in favor of being female: I don't like my body hair and shave all of it completely off whenever I take a shower. The feeling of myself being all soft and smooth is wonderful. I didn't like it when my voice dropped and I couldn't sing high notes anymore. I have always wanted to have breasts. In fact, I occasionally wear a heavily padded bra to make myself look like I have breasts. I never quite learned how to properly stand up to pee when I was a child. I eventually stopped trying when I was 8, and even now I always sit down unless I have no choice. My romantic/sexual behavior is very feminine. I tend to flirt by giving off signals that I'm interested and waiting for my prospective partner to notice and ask me. I am not very comfortable taking the stereotypical male role and initiating things myself. I tend to prefer heavy foreplay to actual sex. I have had fantasies about being female since I was 13, and have taken a strong interest in gender-bender stories since that time. When I asked myself what body I would want to have if there were no social/cultural pressures, I quickly thought of "female body with male parts." Right now I'm trying to make myself look more androgynous, mainly by shaving my body and growing my hair out, and effectively eliminate all traces of gender from my appearance. That way, I can present as whichever one I want and get a better idea of what I prefer the most. At the moment, I've already shown up at some events at my local LGBT center as female, and I think I like it. Every time someone referred to me as she/her I was happy. At the very least, I'm about equally happy being female as being male if not more. And yet all the factors in favor of being male above are consistent. I don't seem to have dysphoria, except maybe a few minor annoyances. I still identify with male characters (even cosplayed as Luke Skywalker and Link recently). At the same time though, I'm playing a female character in Pathfinder, I seem to be the only male who actually does care when my female characters are misgendered, and I don't really know why I made the character female except that I liked the idea of being a girl. The last question of "what body would you prefer?" is difficult to evaluate since I may be confusing it with "what type of body do you find attractive?" So, it seems I'm a well-adjusted cis guy... except for this strange desire to be a girl as well. I can't really be trans if I don't have dysphoria, but I can't be cis if I've spent the last two months agonizing over what gender I am. I'm getting confused and wondering where exactly I fit into all this, or even if I fit a gender at all. Does this resonate with anyone, and can anyone help me figure out what exactly I am?
You could also be Gender Fluid. Genderqueer or Androgynous. Like, in my case, I'm a female outside, but inside I'm not really either. Though most times I'm more male than female. So I've been trying to make myself look like a guy so I can be more like both. Shaving included as you do. I've had fantasies about being a boy since I was a kid as well. And if you have a desire to explore your feminine side while still being male, that's perfectly fine too. I think taking small steps would help you a lot to figure yourself out more and what you want.
I'm not sure how that's possible. Don't you need to have some level of discomfort with yourself to be trans? Otherwise, why transition?
I don't want to transition but I'm assuming if you don't have dysphoria it would be so that you can BE the gender you identify as. I see it as being a kind of 'I don't care who believes me because I know the truth' kind of thing. As I said, that's the way I think of it, it could be completely wrong but the thing is, everyone feels different.
Just an update to say that I'm going back to another meeting of the LGBT gamers group as female tomorrow evening. I tried quitting this twice now; both times I kept having fantasies about being a girl and that brought me back again. This time it was playing Pathfinder as my primary (female) character and realizing that I still liked acting as and being perceived as female. I need to deal with these "I want to be a girl" feelings somehow, and the only way I know of is to actually try being one and seeing how I feel about it. Actually, I've been watching some of Zinnia Jones's stuff and she seems a lot like me in a number of ways.
I read an article of hers when I first started questioning and it made a lot of sense to me, really hit home. I can relate to a lot of what you said DerpasaurusRex, I hope you're able to find what you're looking for and I look forward to hearing about the journey.
Well... unlike the first time, which was great, the last three times including this one have all just been sort of "meh." Like, I feel exactly the same as female as I do male, and maybe a little more uncomfortable being female even. The emotional conflict is still there. I'm not sure what to make of this. If neither really feels all that great to me... I don't know. I might try it again to be sure, but it seems like despite all of my fantasies about being female, my odd traits that didn't fit right with being male, feeling great about playing female characters in games, my answer to what would be the perfect body for me... I don't really feel better off as female after all. Whatever is responsible for these bizarre patterns, I have no idea now that being transgender doesn't seem to be feeling right on me.
A lot of guys fantasize about being female or have more feminine characteristics. It doesn't mean you're not a guy, and if you're totally fine with your male body I highly doubt you're trans.
Not sure exactly what specifically made me uncomfortable. I just felt fake and felt I was lying to everyone around me by presenting that way, and some part of me wanted to go back to being a guy. Maybe I'm not really trans after all then. However, I've felt the same about presenting male within the past few months. I don't know what to make of this; I'm apparently just as unsettled and conflicted about both.
