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Genderfluid or FTM Transgender?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BreakinDaylight, Jan 1, 2016.

  1. BreakinDaylight

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I apologise since most of this is me getting off topic because that's just how I am. :eusa_doh:
    Gender = a tricky subject for me.
    Using male pronouns and being referred to using male pronouns makes me feel so incredibly happy and more confident. Being seen as a male makes me feel fantastic as well. The thought of binding my chest, wearing male clothes, and getting a male haircut greatly interests me. I have never exactly fit in with other girls, for the longest time I was considered a tom-boy (until my best friend corrupted me with her love of dresses and make up). I ALWAYS wear jackets or hoodies at school, because I'm comfortable that way. I finally realised I'm comfortable that way because it hides my chest and upper body. Towards the middle of October 2015 I began questioning my gender. After a month of questioning I labelled myself genderfluid, because I sometimes I felt male, sometimes female, and sometimes I felt like a balanced mix of the two.

    I was assigned female at birth, and I am 15 years old. I am also thought to be the 'toughest' yet most 'feminine' of my sisters (I'm the middle child). Since my older sister absolutely hates dresses, heels, make up, and the like, the second I showed interest in dresses as a child my mother and grandmother filled my wardrobe with plenty of pink, frilly, flowery type clothes and dresses. My mother always gives me make up for Christmas, even though I only wear make up to Homecoming, and football games (I'm on the flag team, so we have to wear make up when we perform at football games). I like the color pink, but I also like the color black. Since middle school, I've slowly turned 55% of my wardrobe black. My mother and grandmother don't like when I wear black or boyish clothes, they try to blame it on my older sister and say she's 'influencing' me since she's a tom boy who wears mainly black and guy clothes (she's cis and straight, she just really dislikes feminine type things). I want to wear more male type clothes, but I know my mother will give me hell about it and ask endless questions.

    I'm not especially close to her. I never have been either. I live with her and my step-dad, and we get along okay. We don't talk about personal things or emotions. My mother doesn't like when I share any emotion other than happiness, so I've kind of learned to keep my real emotions hidden from her. I think she and my step-dad support the LGBT community. I recall one time on the news there was a story about a mother pulling her kids out of school because the school supported LGBT students, and my mother called the mother "crazy and stupid". My eldest stepsister is bisexual, and my mother and step-dad support her. I'm pansexual, but I feel like my mother would not support me because I'm her 'daughter' and she 'raised' me. My gender is a completely different issue that I also feel she would not support me on. My dad (biological one, I love him to pieces) supports me, I came out to him as pansexual and genderfluid in November 2015 and he took it exceptionally well. He always suspected that I was a lesbian and on several occasions gave me the whole 'gay is okay' speech, so I knew he would be okay with my sexuality and gender. I wish I could just live with him, but he lives in a small town that is very homophobic, transphobic, and religious. As an atheist, I would not survive very long.

    Back to the topic! My gender.
    I wonder if I really feel female at all or if I am just clinging to a 'safe' gender to be, since it is the gender most people would accept me for. Did I mention I live in the good ol' South? Oklahoma, to be specific. I haven't encountered much homophobia or transphobia (lucky me) but there have been a few instances. Like when I was 13 and a group of high school guys chased my best friend and I because they thought we were lesbians. They didn't catch us, but after we got away they roamed the area looking for us. Then there's my grandmother's "friend" who makes tons of comments such as "Sleep is for women and gay people." Then there was when I was about 8 and my older sister told me gay was a 'disease' so I was incredibly scared of the LGBT community until I was 12 and got a crush on my best female friend. Larry Stylinson fanfiction also helped cure my fear as well. My older sister has changed her views on LGBT since then, and she supports me. Although we don't talk about my sexuality or gender much because we both feel awkward sharing feelings like that.

    I keep getting off topic, but I've never really told anybody any of these things before, so can you blame me?
    As a kid, I always had guy role models, be it Ash from Pokemon or the princes from Barbie. I've always had a love of Pokemon, and I still love it. I never questioned my gender as a kid, it was just something that felt like I couldn't change, so why bother?

    ~Irrelevant information aside though not really because I really love writing~

    I'm unsure if I like wearing dresses and female clothing because I genuinely like it, or because it's what I've been conditioned to like. I certainly hate my long hair although my friends adore it. I'm hoping to get a pixie cut next time I visit my dad. My mother will be shocked, but she knows I hate having to constantly brush and tie back my long locks.
    Typing this feels great, like I can see my thoughts from a different angle. :icon_bigg

    Any who, I'm unsure if I'm genderfluid or transgender. I want to start binding my chest, but I honestly couldn't care less about having male or female genitals. It's just my chest that I really care about. Specifically, I want to appear to have a male torso, yet I'm iffy about top surgery. Boobs aren't too bad, when I'm by myself or with friends at least. When I'm in any public setting though, I feel out of place with them. I'm also beginning to dislike female pronouns more and more. I really feel much more content with male pronouns. Yet, I always find myself saying "I prefer male pronouns.......but um, female pronouns are okay too..." :eusa_doh:

    Thus my thinking that maybe I'm just clinging to 'female' as some sort of protection, because it's what most people expect me to be. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm not female.
    I absolutely do not want to take Testosterone though (did I spell it right? My spell check is slacking.) I'm a singer, and I'm just beginning to get used to my range and what I can do with my voice. (I almost made the state honor choir this year! That's my biggest achievement of 2015). Although, I do like the idea of having a lower voice. I listen to mainly male singers, and with a male voice it would be easier to do the song covers I want to do. I like to daydream about being the lead singer of a band, and I always picture myself as looking androgynous but leaning more towards male in these daydreams. Okay, so apparently I have mixed feelings about testosterone. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about surgeries yet. That's something I feel uncomfortable really thinking about at the moment.

    So my gender = :help:

    I like male pronouns. I like them a lot. My three closest friends already know I'm not cisgender. Last I told them was that I'm genderfluid, I don't remember what pronouns I told them last because I feel nervous when I talk to people close to me about my gender. I most likely told them female pronouns are okay. .-. My name is Lauren, but I told them to call my Raurie. Wanna know how I came up with it? My friends usually call me Laurie, so I replaced the 'L' with an 'R'. I like the name Raurie, and it feels more unisex. Raurie is also short for Rauroline (Caroline is my middle name so I mixed it with Raurie to create Rauroline because it's well, um, original.) My best friend is pretty good at calling my Raurie. She sometimes slips up and calls me Laurie, but that's okay. We've known each other for three years, and I'm not one to share feelings about my gender or sexuality with her, so of course a new name is something we're both getting used to. My other friends just don't say my name at all, employing the 'better safe than sorry' strategy. They are all supportive though, so that's fantastic. One of them even goes to my school's GSA meetings with me. (Unfortunately I'm super shy and I get anxiety around lots of people, so I never talk at those meetings and I'm only out as pansexual. I'm hoping to be more out next year and participate in GSA more next year, but I doubt that will happen because I almost cry at every meeting when the GSA sponsor teacher is nice to me. Oops.)

    Regardless of whatever gender I am, I want to start dressing more male at school and such. I feel more comfortable that way. I just want to avoid my peers questioning, but I know that's impossible. I'm the 'genius', quiet, shy 'girl' so I doubt people will not let my new appearance slide. Mainly the kids in my Pre-AP and AP classes. My best friend already said that I'm stuck with her, so even if I get bullied, she's always going to be there to hold my hand and wipe away my tears. I don't know about my other friends though, but one best friend is better than none so I'll be okay. I'm still getting used to the whole 'having friends' thing tbh. I was more of the loser who played by themselves on the playground and got bullied for their weight as a kid. ---Probably why my people skills suck. :eusa_doh:

    That's pretty much me and the current state of mind I've been in lately. If you read all of this then you deserve a gold star and cookie. Do any of you have any similar stories? How did you know you were not cis? How did you go about coming out at school? Do you have any advice for me? This felt good to write, now the tornado of emotions in my mind will be gone for a few hours. I hope you have a good day/night. (*hug*)
    I don't usually post anything EVER, but 2016 is a year of hope, so why not? :slight_smile:
     
  2. FoxEars

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    *takes cookie and gold star*
    Hi Raurie, I find myself experiencing similar thoughts to your own. It's hard to lean away from the female "shield", as I'm still trying to accomplish.

    Based off the fact that you're using the female gender as some sort of protection, I'd say you're either transmasculine or transgender.

    Transmasculine- A gender found within the range of, but not including, gender neutral and male.

    Transgender- I'm pretty sure you know that it's just female to male and vice versa.

    If you could choose what gender you could be and suddenly change as if you were born said gender, would you choose male? Or would you be reluctant to go "all the way" as some say.

    I'd also like to add that some male clothes can pass as unisex- mainly jeans and shoes- so you could go for the 'toned down' clothes until -if ever, I know the feeling of being the loser who's bullied because of looks- you feel more comfortable wearing them in public. I know that I find that hard myself, but you have at least two family members on your side!

    P.S, black and guy clothes are amazing!
     
    #2 FoxEars, Jan 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2016
  3. NotKnowing

    Regular Member

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    I'm amazed because I can relate to you so much.
    I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm transgender. That's today. Yesterday and the day before I had huge doubts..
    I like dresses as well (I think?) and I didn't really mind makeup. I don't wear them anymore tho.
    I used to be quite boyish until I became friends with my best friend who is quite girly.. That's when I started the whole "I wanna be more feminine" thing.
    I always felt like I was behind or had missed the class "How to be a girl"
    I practically forced myself to wear makeup because I felt like it was the thing to do...
    (I'm realizing that every sentence I wrote starts with "I", I'm sorry:lol:slight_smile:
    When I go out I wear male's clothes or when I'm with my two closest friends but I'm kind of afraid of meeting people I know dressed like this..
    Welll anyways. Less about me and more about you.
    Since you definitely prefer male pronouns and clothes I'd say your FTM transgender. It's okay to be a feminine guy or to like dresses as a guy :slight_smile:
    If you say "I'm a boy" do you feel relief or uncomfortableness?
     
  4. BreakinDaylight

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First off, thank you for your responses! I was incredibly nervous about what people would say.

    FoxEars - If I could choose what gender I could be and suddenly change as if I were born said gender, I would maybe choose male, but I am reluctant to go "all the way". There are certain aspects of the male body that I like, but there are particular aspects of the female body that I would rather have.
    Jeans and shoes are an excellent spot to start. I looked up transmasculine, and I think it might just be what I am, but I'll have to do more thinking and soul-searching on the subject.
    Thank you very much for your advice! :icon_bigg


    NotKnowing - I'm glad there's people out there who can relate. :slight_smile: I always felt like I missed the "How to be a girl" class too. If I say "I'm a boy" I feel... relief. It feels good to say/think. Thank you for your advice and stories, it's always great to know you're not alone. :icon_bigg

    I really really appreciate your words and wisdom, both of you. (*hug*)
     
  5. FoxEars

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm glad to have helped, it took me a while to figure out I was transmasculine- so don't feel like you're 'taking too long'.