Hey all... I'm just posting because, I dunno, just feel like it. I transitioned IRL 4 years ago (MtF) and I still am kinda ambivalent about the whole thing. I guess it felt easier and safer to live as a boy even if it's not really me. As a boy I wasn't afraid of people so much as I just felt disconnected and not present. As a girl I feel too present and too vulnerable and very afraid. I used to hate myself a lot. I stopped that and now I feel like I can be ok with whoever I am. But, I still don't trust other people to not hurt me in the end and I don't blame them either. It's weird but I'm always waiting for other girls to think I am a freak and reject me as a friend. So I avoid getting close. It's never happened, not like that, but I'm always waiting for it to happen and I test people and get weird and push people away at any sign of genuine acceptance and possible belonging. I think its because in the past, as a kid and teen, all my female friends fell for me in the end and that always destroyed our relationship. Maybe because they saw me as a boy they could relate to, but I didn't reciprocate those feelings. It's hard to forget the past and how I have been treated.. I still somehow expect girls to treat me like a boy even now that I'm living as a girl and they don't treat me like that anymore and haven't in a long time. But I don't let myself get close enough to ever believe it. And also I'm afraid of they find out I'm trans they'll think that makes me different and they can treat me different. Or maybe I'm afraid that I do feel different anyway because my life was different and nobody will understand why I am struggling. I have this feeling like, maybe I really am a boy and I'm just crazy and think I'm a girl. But every time I try to be like a boy I realize I'm not happy and this isn't me and I can't do this forever. I really need to come to terms with it being OK to want to belong as a girl and I wish it would feel safe to identify with other girls. But it doesn't.. I'm always waiting for the past to repeat itself and somehow because of that it always does. I desperately don't want to be alone but I am and I can't seem to really reach out. I feel too vulnerable. I protect myself way too much because I have been hurt too many times. I don't like doing things alone, but My area is kinda remote and I don't have any friends to hang out with. And I'm getting too old to still be acting like a teenager but I can't help it. I keep running away to my fantasies of how life should be but I am really disconnected now from how it is. Now I'm 24 already and people my age are moving on with their lives and I can't seem to. Im afraid of people knowing I am so behind. But I'm afraid of getting too involved in anything like a job or school because then I'll be forced to want and need to be accepted. And I won't be able to run away. And I'll have to be willing to stand up for myself and set boundaries and stuff. I have pretty severe anxiety and I dissociate so it's hard in the moment. But every day that goes by in the meantime, I regret and feel worse and more disconnected and alien. Idk, it sounds stupid but ugh. I feel stuck. Don't know if anyone can relate but yeah... Sorry for the long post
I can't relate but I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with this if it makes you feel better I would be your friend if I knew you irl lol.(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
I second that and I'd say that that sounds a lot like a normal girl problem. I never really had a ton of dysphoria about myself and I've always made sure people treated me as much like a woman as I can get them to but I understand the disconnect. However because I didn't disconnect that bad I totally get the fear. It's like putting your heart out there and hoping nobody crushes it. Well you're not alone and it's better to be naked than a ghost right? If you need me I'm here. Message or anything. I have fear of being rejected. Always have. And most of my cis female friends do as well. It's just who you are and you can work on it. I reassure myself constantly that if I was them I would love myself so why wouldn't they be loving me too?
I don't really know what to say but... it sounds like you're having problems with your confidence. I can relate. You have to try and put yourself out there, even if it's scary. If you imagine your comfort zone as a balloon, think of it this way. Right now, compared to most people, your balloon is quite small. You should blow a little more air at a time into it. You might be scared that someone is going to stick a needle into your balloon. But thankfully anxiety is very good at being unrealistic, and if you see that you can both have more of a presence and be respected, that can give you more hope. <3
Thank you and that's very sweet of you... Yeah I dont want to be a ghost :/ I don't want to complain too much. I really appreciate the positive thoughts as well!! like, well I know lots of people can cope with being trans. I don't know why I would be any different. I guess I mostly don't think of myself as trans and block that thought out and then when I have to remember I'm somehow different than cis girls it actually really hurts. I also feel like Im keeping some big secret even though I'm not trying to its just not usually relevant. I kind of neglect my transition because I don't really understand my identity as a trans person and I just want to pretend it's not a problem I have to deal with. Kinda like, I'M in denial that I am not a cis girl, and I'm afraid of being reminded of that... It feels like all this time I distanced myself from being trans but that ended up distancing me from other people too because I have this fear they will somehow find out... people would act like they accept it but sometimes I feel like it's just lip service... Anyway I'm so amazed at the strength of other trans people to be able to cope. Self-acceptance is hard :icon_sad: ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2016 at 08:18 AM ---------- Hm yeah I guess I just don't know if it's realistic or not. The only people I've told are professionals and they didn't give any opinions on it. Otherwise for 4 years nobody has mentioned my gender at all other than assuming I'm female and it's like, this is what I wanted, right? But by having this invisible problem I feel different in some unseen way... and I kinda blow it out of proportion because I feel like if somebody does find out I wouldn't know what to do.
Unfortunately, there are always going to be people who dislike you, for whatever reason, and transgenderism/transsexuality is still poorly understood by the majority of cis people. Even the most successful trans men and women still have their critics, but they're successful despite that (in some cases, because of it). However, most people aren't always thinking about about it, and are even willing to listen and learn, if you take the time to educate them. Regarding the whole rejection from females bit, have you tried being friends with fellow trans women? Sometimes, we push others away without even realizing it, as a defense mechanism. You can't read people's minds, and there's no way to know they think you're a freak, unless they explicitly say so. Give them the benefit of a doubt; it will probably save you a lot of stress at the end of the day. Do you feel vulnerable due to being trans or being a woman? It could be both, but there is a difference. I think it's common for trans people to keep others at an arms distance, since so much is compartmentalized from an early age, and it's often safer, physically, emotionally, spiritually. You could argue some degree is necessary, but you aren't doing yourself any favors but shutting the outside world out, either. Same thing with struggling with feeling like a "real" man or woman, since we only get the cisgender narrative. A trans man or woman is never going to be cis. That's just the cold, hard reality. It doesn't make them less, just different. True, bigots will compare it to a minor surgery, or dressing up, but it's more than that, and trans people have to work that much harder to be seen and accepted as their authentic selves. It does sound like you've made some improvement, so please, don't stop!
@gravechild thanks for your reply... Humm, that's a lot to think about... I think I just don't know where I fit. Being trans takes a lot of persistence and hard work and it's work I've struggled to do for myself. I think I've tried to make every excuse to not have to face reality. Because, I don't need a really fancy, exciting life, I just mostly want to be normal, and being trans seems to have made that impossible for me at every turn. Or, at least, it made it feel impossible. Maybe I could have a perfectly normal life if I just took more risks, Idk. Probably. But, it's not really an issue of what people think I guess, because ultimately it seems like I'm the only one who ever thinks I'm any different from cis girls. But because I think I'm different, I sometimes act anxious and actually become different... :/ I used to be afraid that people secretly actually did think I was different, but yea, it seems like mostly that's only when I'm self-conscious and acting weird. And then they just think I'm acting weird and aren't sure why. I just don't like feeling like I'm hiding something. I'm not hiding anything but people assume that I'm cis so I don't know how to deal with that. Like maybe people will feel lied to because I didn't tell them but it's not my fault they don't consider that some girls in their life could happen to be trans. Somehow I always want to get it off my chest because I'm afraid I'll be rejected for it down the road if people find out... and that's why I keep that distance. But the friends who do know and it's not a big deal, I also end up testing them too much, afraid they secretly think of me as a boy/have feelings for me, and it makes me a horrible friend ;_; but, sometimes it's actually true, at least that they have feelings, and it makes me feel weird when it is, because once the cat's out of the bag I know it's going to ruin everything like it always has. Well, either way, I've clearly got issues... so it's not just about being trans of course. But being trans played a big part in shaping the course of my life and I don't exactly know how to share that side of myself with people. But I do accept it more now than i used to. Edit:Also, actually I'm not gonna lie, I DO think I'm different than most cis girls, and maybe it's just because of socialization and my life history but I do think so and when people argue with me about it and minimize those feelings then that upsets me too. I feel like I can't win and I should generally just shut up and stop talking about myself :///
Maybe you shouldn't shut up but write about it. I use my blog sometimes to write something an anonymous person who I assume will never care or judge me. Most likely just not care. But when I do that I find out more meaning in my own words because I'm the only one paying at tenth. So perhaps you can explain to some unknown entity how it feels to be you or why and then you will start to see what you want to know from other people. ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2016 at 04:41 PM ---------- For instance I have a harder time seeing myself as cis girl because I have no experience with that and people still hardcore judge me. And I hate it because I wish often that I could flip a switch and just have my body and wear my clothes and let it be done. But everyone else spends time crushing me back into my box and calling me a boy so. Instead I lash out with dresses and makeup when I really just want to wear plaid and cargo shorts sometimes and know I can pull it off without looking like teen boy me. But! I spend time thinking about this and I list all my wants and desires and let go of it. It's all just parts of a whole. The pieces don't matter as long as I am expressing what I feel is appropriate for me. But I have to be myself in a vacuum before out in town
I journal a lot.. blogs make me self conscious lol. But it does help. Autally i got self conscious about my thread too because I realized I'm just crazy and it's not really that relevant to being trans.... a little bit, but probably not mostly. But, I really respect people like you who stand up for themselves and keep trying and being true to yourself. That is awesome. I hope you can find the acceptance and comfort you deserve. It's messed up for people to shove you in a box. And, it's also messed up for me to shove myself in one. Or to hide in one either. Ahhhh see I have no excuses
You're far too hard on yourself haha. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Like legitimately. I'll let you in on a huge secret. Everyone is crazy. We are all hiding it too. You coming on here just shows me that you're brave. Nothing more. As a kid I used to bang my head onethe floor when I got mad. I would try to beat my head as hard as I could with the thickest books I owned. And I had textbooks. As a teenager I wrote an anonymous blog with terrible people about feeling insane and wanting to die. I have tried to kill myself. Repeatedly. And I have awful anxiety for no good reason. I used to give myself piercings instead of cutting. I'm crazy. And the reason I'm not afraid of telling you on here, on this very public forum with my name attached and my picture on my profile is because after years of beating myself up and being ashamed and hiding from the world I finally told someone I was suicidal. I had never talked about it. And in that moment I wanted to hide and sleep and never wake up because telling them was terrifying. And you know what they said? "I understand. I feel like that too. " It has nothing to do with being crazy. It has to do with being human and dealing with a world of hurt and being superwoman (my personal role model at times is actually Jessica Jones, but...) when you have no powers at all. I want you to see that as much as I want to run and cry right now because I basically exposed myself to the world, and I'm scared of losing a friend or being judged or rejected, I will not run. Asking you if you're judging me would be pointless because right now, after all these years of slowly coming out about all my illnesses I know that I'm really nothing weird. I'm just one of millions. I wouldn't judge me for saying all those things if I was someone else. I also don't need to worry about what you're thinking (although I am) because you can do what YOU want. You can go "whoa, this girl is cray. Bye Felicia." or you might get help from it. I am unaffected in either instance. My life doesn't need to be improved or hurt by your reaction Alan less I allow it to make me feel happier because I got to be of help. You do judge yourself worse than anyone else and you and I both use the gender boxes to hide and avoid feeling like a freak. It's scary. But that idea that "friends who judge friends weren't friends to begin with," is pretty valid. You are so brave for posting this and you aren't crazy. You are having a hard time and, heck, maybe you've been diagnosed with a mental illness,i have, but it doesn't make you unsalvageably crazy. That's a bogus concept. So stop hiding your crazy and take some time to crap your pants in fear over it and realize that it feels Better to be out in the open than judging yourself for the imagined (as in not real) judgement of those around you. I hope I can find acceptance and comfort too. But I'm starting by talking to you because I believe I might be accepted by you and that is one step closer to being accepted by my parents, my peers, my family, my friends, and if things go absolutely awful in my relationship or friendships I can look forward to the journey to finding a new set of friends or a partner who accept me. BUT you can't hide it. You personally. Message me if it helps. Unload secrets on a trusted friend. And then Unload on an UNTRUSTED friend and if they reject you then *shrug* bye bye old friend. Not that you have to listen to me hahahaha!
@tobacco flower Thanks, it's very sweet of you to write all that. I do know where you're coming from. Well, I used to be almost absolutely shameless and I got made an example of several times, then I overcompensated by becoming way too ashamed of myself and passive aggressive and distant from people. Then I tried to let people in again and I became excessively clingy and demanding and frankly kinda borderline. Then I tried to get better but I tried to figure out my identity like it was a crossword puzzle and that only made me more confused because I was observing myself under a microscope but not actually being myself. So anyway I did try to open up to people and I ruined a lot of relationships by opening up about the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I'm just trying to rein myself in and not be so crazy for once. Because at this point even if i became super self revealing again I'm sure I would mess it up somehow. I'm not ashamed anymore just kinda empty, I've been abandoned and rejected and I moved on, now I guess I need some time to regain my footing. At this point it's hard to genuinely even know how i feel about things in the first place because I ruined everything that was special to me. I was going to end my transition too because I just didn't care anymore and it was easier to earn someone else's conditinal acceptance than live true to myself. But reality kept forcing me to be a girl and in the end I guess I'm glad because being a girl really is right for me but I needed to find that feeling inside myself and not more reasons why I am or am not supposed to feel that way. It used to be easy to put myself out there as a boy because it wasn't me, it didn't feel like it mattered. Now it is me and now it's hard so I just don't want to screw things up anymore. But you're right, I never ruined anything by being transparent I ruined them by being fake and not connected to myself. Anyway, I'm grateful that you'd share your enthusiasm and authenticity with me. It definitely helps. (*hug*) (*hug*)
You got the borderline diagnosis too? I just stated overcoming that little mental mechanism recently. I am glad you do know what it's like to be both ways. It sounds a LOT like how I have been. I think taking time to not be anyone at all helped me this last week. I don't know. Maybe it could help? But I'm really here when you feel like everyone everyone is judging you and you're judging yourself too. I didn't say it before but I respect your bravery more than mine. I have someone to walk to who will never leave me and not everyone has that. Especially in our community and I think you're braver than me just for recognizing your problems and facing them even though they scare you.
