1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Confused as Hell

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by David21201, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. David21201

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2014
    Messages:
    501
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Hey everyone,

    It's been quiet awhile since I have posted. Recently I told some people I trusted I'd prefer to go by David or just my preexisting nickname. I suffer from dysphoria on and off, but I don't label myself as transgender since I feel like I'm not truly trans. Ever since I gave these people my name I have been having severe anxiety attacks that maybe I'm not genderqueer at all and that I'm actually a cis female with a body image problem. I don't know what to do honestly.

    If anyone has any advice on this at all, I'd really appreciate it. This whole gender thing has been confusing me for ages.
     
  2. NotKnowing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2015
    Messages:
    89
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Germany
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I know how you feel. After I told my mother I was trans, I started crying. In my head I was telling myself "What are you doing? This is just you being ridiculous. Of course you're not trans! What have you done?" and stuff like that and I was so anxious that I had made the wrong decision..
    It got better with time. Just give yourself space. And don't worry too much about them judging you. I know it's terrifying and nerve wrecking but just stick through. Don't think about it too much or you will try to act a certain way and you will never figure out what you really want.
     
    #2 NotKnowing, Jan 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2016
  3. karmatoast

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I can totally relate. I don't feel like I'm trans, but I just can't drop it. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I watch a ton of videos on trans issues and I feel guilty that I'm not absolutely sure like a real trans person. Hey, this is just how I feel. I don't know if it's exactly the way you or anyone else feels. This is just me.

    It's difficult to really find in-depth information out there because of how contentious the subject can be. There really ARE people who DEFINITELY identify as a gender other than the one determined at birth. Then there are people who aren't in that category like me.

    For me, I feel guilty because I don't know if I'm just suffering from other emotions and using gender identity as an escape. I'm afraid if I really explore that, I'll no longer have an excuse to use my gender identity as an escape. I don't want to lose the ability to cross dress or have people refer to me as female. Sometimes it feels nice and other times, it just feels like a lie. Is it just a distraction from loneliness? I really haven't had very long to explore this side of me. I'm 29 years old and I only stopped being in the closet a couple of months ago.

    I've always had a private world where I was a female, but I've always put that world aside and kept it hidden. As a kid, I knew it was shameful to tell other people, but it felt like a game. It was a fantasy in my mind that made me happy. I don't feel dysphoria and my orientation is heterosexual for my birth gender. I just don't know how to feel happy. Why am I holding myself back like this? Maybe this is just the way life is and I need to accept it? I'm still struggling with knowing who I am.

    Please remember, these are just my own feelings. And I know there are people out there that are truly transgender. I am only struggling with myself.

    I haven't openly talked about these reservations I'm having. I just don't want the ability to be able to present myself as female to end before I've given it a good amount of time to try it out. I'm still nervous about how people will react so I'm not sure if that nervousness is making me feel like a lie. Mentally, I feel like this is all I have right now and if I stopped, I would just be going through the motions of life again without anything that felt good to focus on.

    Sorry for the rant. I had to let that out.

    Here's my advice. This is such a personal thing that can be difficult to figure out. No one else can give you the answer. The best way to get through it is to 1) talk to a therapist 2) try presenting yourself as the gender with which you identify (WITHOUT undergoing any permanent surgeries nor hormones). 3) Do those things for an extended period of time, as LONG as you can do so safely. Could you go for a year? If you realize that you aren't comfortable with transition, then you don't have to and you won't have anything to regret.

    Through talking with a qualified person, and by experimenting with your gender role in a non-permanent way, you can gain a better understanding of yourself. I wish there was an easier way to do this, but the path to self discovery is still worth the struggle.

    That's just my imperfect solution and opinion.
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2015
    Messages:
    2,270
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is sound fight.
    As well, this is what I am going through right niw
     
  5. karmatoast

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I was think more about what you said... It's possible that you are experiencing some gender fluidity, which is completely acceptable. There's no reason why you have to only choose one side of the gender spectrum. Most people are gender fluid anyway when it comes to what society labels as gender. At any given moment, are you able to relieve some of the dysphoria if you embrace the real you? Whoever you imagine yourself being is allowed to be different at different moments and situations. Maybe it would help thinking positively and ignoring the negative and judgmental voices. Easier said than done, but worth the practice.

    Who are you really? Don't be afraid to color outside of the lines if that's the real picture.