Hi, I'm 17 years old and I've had depression pretty much all my life. However my self hatred was never as bad as it's been in the past year. I look in the mirror and hate what I see, I've almost broken the mirror a few times. After a lot of thought I decided to cut my hair off, I'm a girl so this was a bit extreme, but I looked in the mirror and loved it, it made me look how I wanted. I feel as though I'm consistently at war with myself and my feelings. I've never been a girly girl, although I have moments when I want to look pretty, most of the time I refuse to wear makeup and wear boy clothes. My boyfriend also says I act like a boy, which he is okay with. But I guess.. I don't know if this means I'm Bigender. If I am the boy side is upset with my appearance, I've grown to hate that I have breasts. Also the only people I've told is my boyfriend and sister, next is my therapist. Any thoughts?
Other than your breasts, how do you feel about your body? Particularly things like hips, voice, etc. I think it's entirely possible that you're not cis. You seem to have top dysphoria and possibly more general dysphoria about your body as well. Here are some of the basic questions you can think about: What do you want your body to look like? Flat chest or breasts? Typically male or female figure? High or low voice? Etc. What pronouns seem most accurate? Do you feel more comfortable with female-coded language (girl, woman, lady, pretty, etc.) or male-coded language (boy, man, gentleman, handsome, etc.)? When strangers see you in public, would you want them to assume you are a guy, a girl, or so androgynous they can't tell? Another question to consider is why do you think you're bigender? What part of you feels like you're also a girl?
Well I feel my body looks horrible, mostly because I have no appetite anymore so I weight 95 pounds. However my want for looks changes. Sometimes but rarely I want to wear a dress and wear makeup, but most of time I just want to wear something with pockets and be function and avoid purses. About the pronouns, it started to bother me when every my boyfriend said "she" or my "girlfriend", mostly he said jokingly, "you are a horrible girlfriend," but for some reason I was questioning why he didn't just say person. How people perceive me doesn't really bother me. I want them to see me for what I am in that moment, me. I believe I maybe Bigender because of how I change, although I stay to the guy side more often then the girl. Does that make sense?
