I've purged over and over again. I'm now 45 years old and finally realize who I truly am. I'm tired of not being able to express how I feel inside. I finally got the courage to tell my wife of 18 years. The problem is that she just can't understand. I'm a woman born in the wrong body. I look into the mirror and feelings of discuss and hate overwhelm me. I don't feel inside the way I look outside. I need to start transition. My wife is very understanding about many things. She is not old fashion and very liberal. When I told her she automatically assumed that it was purely sexual since she knows I have attraction to men. I do have attraction to men but it's because I'm a woman inside. I love women too. I feel all women are beautiful. It's not sexual though. I fear being my true self will end my marriage. I need help! On top of my wife, I'm feeling overwhelmed on where to start the process. I need help! Please help me....:tears:
Your coming out is really shocking especially to someone you've known for a long time. I would sit down with her and talk about how this isn't just a sexual thing. Tell her that this is something you've felt for your whole life but never came to terms with until recently. It's not a choice. You were born this way. Since she seems to be a very liberal individual, I wouldn't worry too much about her flipping out on you. She's probably just really confused because she didn't hear anything about it until now. Explain your situation to her and give her some time to pend this information. Give her a chance to ask any questions she has because she'll probably have a lot. I'm sorry I can't help you much with where to start your transition. I'm FTM transgender. However, everyone's transition is different. You don't have to undergo any surgery to be considered a female. However, if you want your state to legally recognize you as a female, I think you might have to have one surgery. I could be wrong though.
She seems to be pretty open-minded, so I'd just give her some time to adjust. I'm sure the news was shocking to her, besides being misinformed about trans issues. You could show her videos, documentaries or stories about trans people so that she can understand what you're going through. There are thousands of people like you. Tell her nothing could make you happier that going through this journey with the person you love the most, that you want to share your true self with her. I'm not sure if I can help with your transition. You could try and go to an endocrinologist to start hrt (although in some countries you need to have "permission" from a psychologist/mental health professional first). If you do end up going to a therapist, it's better if they are LGBT+ friendly. Good luck!
I came across that site early in my transition, I even pushed for it out of a sense of guilt, but my ex fiancee did not really like the site. She was having a very hard time with everything, and I thought it would really help her, but... It's a place where people can get their pain out. It's a valuable site. Just, a lot of straight people who were in relationships with us have a lot of pain. You have to understand, not all us LGBT people are responsible. A lot of us, like you and I, had a lifetime of frustration, suppression, and pain. That excuses nothing, but the explanation I feel definitely makes it easier to understand and show compassion. Nonetheless, some of us acted on those emotions alone, and simply took up boyfriends or girlfriends outside the relationship, or started self medicating with HRT, or just straight up abandoned our families without so much as a hello. Doing things the way you have done - talking to her, being vulnerable - that isn't easy. And realistically most people don't do things unless they're easy, especially when they're exhausted and nearly completely broken. And so, you'll see a lot of people letting their pain out in a safe place for them to do so, in the ways that people in pain do. Cheating on us serves us right. All of us are terrible people and liars. That kind of thing. It's their Marshal Tucker Band song, with the volume turned up high. It's a good place for what it is. A lot of us create messes and don't clean them up. They help clean up the messes, and get straight spouses - who, they have a point, do not enjoy the levels of social support we enjoy - back on their feet. But it's not for everyone. If your wife reads through it and decides it's not for her, don't push. Otherwise, just from my own experience, I would recommend just space. The most damaging thing my ex fiancee and I did, was try to keep everything "normal". Things are never going to be "normal" again. Your wife knew you are bi. My fiancee knew I cross dressed. She was very liberal. This is always different. Maybe I shouldn't assume, but I am betting she is not bi herself. If that's the case, you are introducing a sexual incompatibility into the relationship. Even if it isn't, you are introducing a very scary reality. She may be worried that if you are openly queer, she will lose friends, or be pitied. She may worry about your safety. To her, this is a threat to the stability of her life. And more than that, it's an attack on the thing she likely cares about more than anything - her future with you. This is going to be rough for both of you. I really feel like, both of you, need friends you can talk to, that aren't each other. You need to show each other that no matter what happens - even if the relationship turns into a lost cause - that you'll always love each other, that you'll always be happy to be in each other's lives, that you'll honor each other and the time you have already spent together. The relationship, itself, it isn't something that is worth turning you two against each other to keep everything "normal". Just let things change. Roll with the punches. You're going to have to learn how to do that anyway if you are planning on transitioning. If the relationship survives - and I genuinely hope it does - it will survive because both of you are happy and getting something out of it, not because you feel obligated or you're terrified of it ending and the uncertain future that comes with it. Just let her have some room, and make her decisions, and make sure you have room and are making your decisions. Get good people to rely on, and support her when she finds people. Make mature decisions about how sexually compatible you are; if it's not possible for you to meet each other's needs at this point, it isn't. No 17 year old jock is going to pop onto your driveway and point at you and laugh if she is with a man or woman that isn't you, and you yourself may find that opening up these floodgates makes it harder to be with women or men. You can't meet all her needs, and this is just going to be rough. Just have faith, that one day this will be behind you both.
I'm speechless. It's wonderful so many of you will take the time and write such a long thought out reply. There are good things and bad things about the internet and this is one of the good things. It's nice to be able to talk with others who understand and have went through or going through similar situations. I need to find strength though. My personality makes it very difficult to transition. The fear I have. Even if I do everything possible to look like I feel inside, I fear being stared down in public and even feeling like someone my hurt or kill me because I may not be 100% passible. I will be judged. I've thought long and hard about doing HRT therapy. I feel it's a must to fully transition. I know there is a higher risk at my age but believe the rewards of feeling complete inside out way the risks. I desire softer skin, more curves, and real feminine breasts even if they are small. I've even considered implants if I decided I wasn't happy after time. All I know it will be very expensive to do it. It's going to take time. There is one good thing I can say. I'm not close with my family. My father is deceased and my only sibling my older brother is not currently in my life. I do have 2 children. An 18 year old daughter and 19 year old son. They live away from me and I don't see them that much these days. I have my wife and mother to the most part. I don't mean it's a good thing not being close to your family. I'm mean transitioning may be a little easier. I do have concerns though. My son is pretty religious and just don't know how he would take it. I will give my wife time to absorb all of this and see what happens. If we both decide in the long run we can't be together, I know I'm going to need a lot of support from others. I'm hoping to meet other Trans people for friendship to share my life with. I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to talk with me. It means a lot to me.
It would be a shock, the man of her dreams isn't really a man. She also maight not like the idea of others thinking she's a lesbian,
This is going to be hard. I already heard that phrase. "I married a man. Not a woman" I did come out and told her how I felt but haven't made it clear I want to transition. I'm assuming she knows because I've heard things like, "You're not taking hormones" You're not going to grow breasts" I understand I need to give her time to absorb all of this. Time will tell but at my age, I don't know how much time I have left in this world. I want and need to spend the remainder of my life being happy and true to myself. I'm not sure how long I can put off starting transition. It really hurts.
