My name is Damien, I am 36 years old and have struggled off and on with gender identity for most of those years. I am very much male on the outside but on the inside its a whole different story. I do feel male and identify as male most of the time. I have crossdressed in my early to mid 20's and would go out dressed, but haven't done that in a very long time. I am engaged to a woman who is supportive. I feel sometimes male sometimes female, at home I am able to wear women's clothes sometimes and I feel more comfortable in them, but I have to present as male all other times. But there are times where I am ok with not wearing women's clothes. It's all very confusing. The most confusing thing is that I experience these phantom breasts, that is the only way i can describe it. I feel they are quite large in size, weight, and I feel them move. When I drive, the seat belt seems to make them uncomfortable. I am almost always aware of them, sometimes I'll reach down to scratch an itch, but nothing is there, I even feel nipples get hard. My brain knows they are there, but they are not. I have done some research but it refers mostly to mastectomy patience experience sensations of the removed breast. I do know that some transgender do feel it, but I don't know if I am. So last week, I finally ordered some breast forms that are the size that i feel i am with hopes of putting something tangible to the phantom breasts. I do occasionally feel a phantom vulva, etc, but not as strongly as my breasts. Any insight, advice, or even commiseration would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Damien
It does sound like you are transgender. Feelings of phantom breasts and a phantom vulva are signs of a strongly hardwired female brain map, meaning that your brain believes your body is that of a typical female, despite the fact that it is not. What you are experiencing is basically the exact definition of gender dysphoria. Although some cisgender people do have dysphoria over one specific sex characteristic (in that case it would be called dysmorphia), cis people do not have significant dysphoria over multiple sex characteristics, as that would make them trans. Note that being transgender a) doesn't mean that you need to take on a female social role unless that is what makes you comfortable and b) doesn't necessarily mean you are female. Transgender simply means that you are not male. You could be nonbinary. You seem to experience pretty typical binary female dysphoria, but you are free to label yourself however you like. Just know that however you choose to label yourself (even if you don't want to think of yourself as trans), as a person who experiences gender dysphoria, you are welcome in the trans community.
Thank you for the insight, it's refreshing that this place is so helpful, I've been browsing I know everyone experiences all this differently. Should I seek counseling to try and make it go away, or do I embrace it? I've never really liked labels but to put a name to what I am feeling confuses me even more, because I look at the standard definitions I fit more in one than the other. I plan to look more at other posts to hopefully learn more. Thanks.
It's not gonna go away. It can definitely be helpful to seek counseling to help you embrace it and to help figure out what the next steps are, but the therapies that claim to make you stop being trans are ineffective and damaging. If the phantom parts you experience cause you distress, it's worth seeking counseling to either help you find coping methods or to pursue physical transition. Many people with dysphoria do choose to transition, but there are also many people who choose not to and instead find ways to cope with and minimize the discomfort. You don't have to label yourself if you don't want to. Your experiences matter more than the words you use to describe them.
If not trans, I would say somewhere in the spectrum of nonbinary-- like bigender, genderfluid, etc. I recommend looking into some of those. Since you don't like labels, I'd just go with the umbrella term nonbinary for now, since you said you feel male sometimes too, correct?
That is correct, I feel male sometimes, except for the phantom breasts, which are always present. My breast forms come friday and hopefully they will help even if it's just in private.
What do you mean when you say you feel male? What does feeling male feel like to you? I hope the breast forms help with your dysphoria! I know binding has done so much for me, and I wish the same success for you
I guess feeling male is more of an abstract sense of masculinity and how others perceive me. In my mind my breasts feel as real as any cis woman's, the occasional vulva I feel is very real to me. I do refer to them as my breasts, because thats how i see them, i did see a counselor but they just wanted to "cure" me. I read about some experiencing a phantom penis and can describe it with great detail while others experience more of a ghost. The Phantom penis must be very distressing.
Women, men, and nonbinary people can all feel masculine. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their gender. I would recommend considering how you would want to be physically and socially. Clearly your brain believes you are (and wants you to be) physically female. In an ideal world, would you want to be seen as a woman too? Would you want to be seen as neutral? Or would you be perfectly content being seen as a man? Definitely don't return to any counsellor who wants to "cure" you. It's worth looking into whether there are any counsellors in your area who are good with trans people.
In a perfect world, I'd love to be seen as female, not always girly, but there is a wide range of femininity. If I could go out as I am with the beast forms and maybe some heels sometimes, that would be great.
