I don't have them often, perhaps twice a year, and they have more to do with violence, or someone (usually a kid or an animal) that I have to rescue or protect. Yesterday night however I woke up after having an awful nightmare related to gender. Don't think is just a coincidence : I'm taking care of solving a lot of personal problems, and medical transition is on the list. Basically it all came down to someone storing my (male) underwear. I asked this person what was she doing and she went 'You are not a man. You should wear something else' I turned to a man who was present and asked him 'Well, you do know me, do you think I should wear knickers instead?' He didn't laughed, but kept a neutral face 'I think that would be the right thing', as if he was stating a fact. Somehow this angered me beyond words, so I went on and burned my (yes, pre op) chest with a cigarette. Didn't hurt me at all. Then I saw myself smashing stuff, and for some weird reason I grabbed a mayo thing and spread the stuff all over the place... Only then I was able to finally wake up... Don't ask me where the power of mayo comes from... I know it's quite silly to get upset, dreams are nothing, but I as I opened my eyes it felt way too disturbing. I never had to face anyone telling me 'you are not a man', I never put me on a position where someone would say that to me. This was also part of the damned reason I spend my teenager years on the closet, unable to tell a soul what was wrong with me. I realize now I might not be ready to face this. I was never ok with being trans, there might still be doubts about how valid is my own identity... They might not be on the surface, but I'm afraid they are somewhere, waiting for a chance to fuck me up... It's just frustrating... You think you made some good progress, and then shit like this comes up... For those who are at least on T, did you had such dreams before, is this common among trans? And to you all.. What do you think this dream could mean?
I don't think this is about you doubting your identity as someone male, the reason the dream disturbed you is that others doubted your identity, so in other words, you know who you are and you want others to see you as you are also. It might be your unconscious's way of telling you that you are wearing a mask right now and it is time to take it off because the world around you is perceiving you as a woman when you are a man. Even those that know you still see you as a woman, it is time they see the real you, free and uninhibited. I recently also had a nightmare about gender which is something very rare, I was a young girl trapped in a maze. In one room I found a group of men that violently detained me and when they were arguing about what to do with me, I managed to escape and I found a room and hid away in a closet, the man who threatened to rape me entered the room but some fairies saved me by telling him I wasn't there. There is obviously heavy symbolism in the dream, being trapped in a maze represents how lost I feel, the man threatening to rape represents the danger in transitoning and showing my true self to others and hiding in the closet and the safety it brings with it. But there is also a second layer to it, I was myself in the dream, despite being trapped, despite the horrifying situation that I found myself in, I felt such a sense of peacefulness about being true to myself that I woke up and felt strangely calm. In your case, the fight and anger that you showed, mixed with a bit of humor has meaning to it. Think about it, you knew you were male in the dream which is why you felt so much anger when you were being misgendered. (*hug*)
I'd say I wear half a mask, but what I reveal seems quite clear to me. There are certain safe spaces where people call me by my real name and knows what's going on, and I can hear the real pronouns and get treated like a man. Obviously these folks do know me very well, and I was positive they appreciated me for being me, just like the man on the dream, and not for any ideal picture they made of me, . There are other spaces where I must spend time of my daily life, where I can't allow myself the luxury of being as straightforward for a number of reasons. I know there are certain members here that lead a double life, and I am one of them. My way of dealing with it is by making subtle (and not so subtle) remarks. As long as I'm among men exclusively, I have no problems with making perfectly clear that I don't want any special needs treatment. I think it's obvious too since I'm wearing men's clothes, acting just like I do in private and being myself. The only thing I haven't done is jumping over the table, rip off my shirt and shout "YES, I AM A MAN, GUYS"... I do have a problem not with being a man (I was done with this years ago), but being trans... As if being trans somehow invalidates me being a man, turning me into something I'd rather kill than let live, and even less let live under my name.
