I identify pretty strongly as a woman and adhere to the sociocultural expectations that are made of me as one, but there's this sort of odd thing that I do that I don't understand. When I have sexual fantasies, I not only fantasize about two men together, but I fantasize about being one of them -- receiving or giving. The only fantasies I have where I am female is when I fantasize about being with another female...and I'm the dominant one (or whatever the term would be). I used to have what I suspect are fairly typically heterosexual fantasies, but I haven't had one in years, try as I might. I can't find any literature about something like this, academic or otherwise, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Does anyone have any experience with this, or thoughts? It's a little distressing to me because I don't understand it. Thanks, - B
B, This is happening more and more to me to. Not just sexual fantasies, but dreams about winning the lotto as a woman, or getting married as a woman. Sexually I have always been bi / pan so the overall scene may not be too different, but I am now a woman in them all. I have no psych training and cannot help with the reasons behind such things, but you are definitely not the only one. *hhugs* the other B
This has been happening to me ever since I was 13. I've always wished I had breasts, and I have been really interested I anything involving gender transformations. I did not crossdress very often prior to now, but the few times I did I really enjoyed it, and would jump at the opportunity to do so if I had a reason to. Especially, being able to look at myself in the mirror and see a woman, or even just to feel the sensation of having breasts despite them not being real is very appealing (and in much more than simply an 'it turns me on" way). I've also been playing female characters in both video games and tabletop RPGs increasingly often, and just imagining myself as female makes me happy. I have been going to events at the local LGBT center dressed as female and presenting myself as a trans girl, and I've generally enjoyed those. So I don't know. I have a vivid history of imagining myself as female, but I'm not sure if this is still just a fantasy I have or whether I'm actually transgender.
Hey B! This is exactly what's happening with me too. It's very rare that I fantasize about being on the receiving end with guys or girls. It just feels more automatic or natural to think of being the "top" ...and a guy(?!?) It's the main reason I question my gender, but I wonder if it's just a preference of roles rather than actually wanting a male body 24/7. Sure it would be interesting and liberating in some ways, but I am really more indifferent and just don't like to be gendered at all! I think for me I am a soft butch lesbian who happens to be bisexual, but more on the lesbian side. If I only liked girls, I don't think I would have this fantasy so much, but being with a guy complicates my sex role preference. We don't really see butchy girls with men in media or porn, the closest I've seen is some bored-looking extreme femme with a strap on. I think our closest reference to what we want looks like man on man. This is my theory anyway. I do sometimes wonder if I could be ftm, since it would be a simple answer, but I think there might be something else going on that is not really explored yet. What do you think? Do you relate to trans/genderqueer people and/or butch/masculine-of-center women?
Thank you so much for responding. I have never heard of this sort of thing and I think I was more frightened that it doesn't happen to anyone else, so thank you for sharing -- such relief. That's so interesting that it's not just sexual to you two, and makes me think. I like being a woman, I feel no amount of discomfort with my secondary sexual characteristics, but the times I have been in drag as a man, or photographed as one, I really enjoyed it and it felt natural...but so does a bustier and stockings or a maxi dress. I don't know, maybe it means something, maybe it doesn't. I don't find intimate relations with a man enjoyable -- as a woman, it just doesn't feel right. Hmmm. Thank you again for sharing. - B
I think what you're describing here would fit more to your gender expression. If you like wearing "traditional" male clothing and feel comfortable in them, that is totally fine, but doesn't necessarily mean that you're trans. Same goes for performing in drag shows. Sure, it could be a way to figure out your gender, but I think in most cases people just like the performance factor, entertaining people, putting on a show... I think it's safe to say that if you like being a woman, you are one.
