I guess this is just a i need to get some thing off my chest and maybe some help from you guys? I feel like a fraud. I dont know who i am. I said i was genderfluid that felt ok ish at the time, but not anymore... i feel im lying about 2 genders under that, i feel i am forcing the female and no gender days upon myself by putting neutral or female type clothing on myself and going around acting all girly sashaying my hips, twirling my hair etc etc you get the picture. but i went out presenting as a male the other day (i did a poor job at it my long hair was still showing but i was with my mum who im not out to for reasons called i dont know what label is me) and i felt nervous as hell, i felt more nervous than as a female, ive gone in public presenting as female and neutral for 18 years, this is one of the few times ive gone out presenting as male to the best of my abilitys, and i felt nervous, but it felt right to a degree, it felt like i was doing what i wanted and was a step in a right direction. When i look in a mirror i see a reflection, it isnt me, but i like the look of the person i see but i dont feel connected to them, it doesnt seem as me, when i picture myself in my head, i see that person but it doesnt feel right. im so confused now it isnt even funny. its stressing me out, i like to be able to say a word that describes me, having things as unknown stresses me out and i dont like it. god i have issues :bang::bang::bang::bang:
Two things to remember: 1) You're not a fraud. Using the wrong label because you used to think it fits doesn't make you a fraud. Hiding your identity doesn't make you a fraud. Being unsure about your identity doesn't make you a fraud. It's okay not to know. It's okay to want to keep things secret. All of it is okay. 2) Labels are nice but not worth stressing over. Believe me, I know what you're feeling. I love having a word to describe myself. If I don't have some sort of word to describe my feelings, I feel disorganized, confused, and wrong. But at the end of the day, you're just you, even if you don't understand everything about your identity or you don't have a word to describe it quite yet. Maybe for a little while your label could just be "questioning" or "not cis" or something like that. It's okay to not be able to be more specific right now. Figuring out your gender is a process that takes time. It's super frustrating to not be able to speed the process along and get it done with, but it doesn't work like that. All you can do is learn to believe that the feeling of not quite knowing is okay, and wait patiently while you figure it all out.
