These past few months I've been questions my gender identity, over the past few years I've had problems trying to figure out my sexuality but right now I feel like it's my gender also. I'm confused between gender fluid and androgyny and not sure which one I am as I think like a man and in my mind the way I see myself in social situations etc I never see myself as a female or girly type, I've never ever been one to wear dresses and skirts, I'm 20 now and when I was a child I was such a tomboy and never ever did anything that most girls do, I were always with the boys playing football. Over the years I just thought it had something to do with my sexuality but I don't think it's just that. I thought about transgender but I'm sure it's not that as I don't want to change gender, I like having female parts it's more about how I act and by my fashion sense and personality. I wear make up and have long hair and usually dress quite girls but I always wear pants (skinny jeans and leggings) I do like being girly on nights out wearing heels and make up and having my hair done but I also like acting like a boy and dressing more masculine. I get excited when thinking about it, when I were around 10/11 I started getting boobs and seriously didn't like it at all I always tried to push them back in even though that wouldn't work. It was up until around 15/16 that I actually started liking them I used to always wear coats and jackets to cover them up even in the summer I used to be so warm but refused to take my jacket of not because I didn't want boobs, I think it was because I were embarrassed by them as they were quite big for my age and didn't like men looking at them. They don't bother me that much now but I do wish they were smaller even though some girls want bigger boobs and pay money to get them, I've just never really cared aslong as they were atleast a B cup. I like wearing suits, I used to wear like a suit for school with a tie and everything and never really like getting ready after school and used to basically go out in it (obviously not weekend) but I think it were because I felt quite masculine in it but in reality I probably looked like a butch lesbian and I had big boobs also. I used to be so conscious on how I acted in front of my friend in school and people in my school as I do have a male personality and always thought that, like some of the things I used to say and people would look at me like you're a girl you shouldn't be saying that etc. I used to always try to keep quiet because of this and watched what I said infront of people. One time I were walking in the school corridoor and there were people in the way and my two friends were at the back of me and whilst I were walking I basically made my shoulder bigger and tensted them basically like some boys do I don't have a clue why I did this but my Friend at the time noticed it and pointed to me so here Friends next to her could see. I just made it look like i were taking a deep breath. I did look quite manly when I were 15/16 in school especially compared to girls but I am a quiet person but people who don't know that would have thought different. one time I wear walking past a class room and there were kids outside they must have been around 13/14 years old and I heard one kid say to his friend 'she scares me' and it was just one of them moments where I just walked past and didn't really want to say anything as I thought how could I scare him I've never spoke met him only past him in the school corridoors haha. I think if I was back in school id probably be the exact same but look older and more thin and have my hair and make up done better. Also whilst I was in high school for 5 years I also had my hair in a bun or in a pony never once had it down in them 5 years and I really don't know why I think it just really wasn't into being girly then or fashion etc. I basically got a signature look for the person that always has her hair in a bun! I also had my ears stretched back then aswell and I still miss them and debating on stretching it again. I never questioned my sexuality when I were in school and always thought I were straight, it never crossed my mind. There were also this boy in my class that birthday is on the same day as mine and I used to look at him and think to myself that the way he acts is basically how I'd be if I were a boy and it was like looking at myself in a way. I'm like that with most men I see, I guest confused between wanting to be them and wanting to be with them but 90% of the time it's wanting to be them.
